THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


FAMOUS 


FUNNY  FELLOWS 


BRIEF  BIOGRAPHICAL 

SKETCHES  OF  AMERICAN  HUMORISTS 


WILL  M.   CLEMENS 


CLEVELAND,  OHIO 
WILLIAM  W.  WILLIAMS 


COPYRIGHT, 


BY  WILL  M.  CLEMENS. 

All  rights  reset 


CS9P 


CONTENTS. 


>• 

«S  PAGE 

nc        i.  Frontispiece      ....... 

3         2.  Introduction            ......  7 

3.  Samuel  Langhorne  Clemens  ("  Mark  Twain")  .  .  n 

(g         4.  Charles  Farrar  Browne  ("Artemus  Ward ")         .             .  24 

^  5.  Charles  Heber  Clark  ("Max  Adeler")  .  .  -34 

W  6.  Charles  B.  Lewis  ("M.  Quad")  .  ...  41 

§  7.  Henry  W.  Shaw  ("Josh  Billings")  .  .  .  .49 

8.  Jay  Charlton  Goldsmith  ("The  P.  I.  Man  ")       .             .  58 

9.  William  Tappan  Thompson  ("  Major  Jones")          .  .        63 
O       10.  Melville  D.  Landon  ("  Eli  Perkins")        ...  69 

,        ii.  Charles  Follen  Adams  ("  Yawcob  Strauss ")  .  .  .74 

|    .12.  Seba  Smith  ("Major  Jack  Downing")       ...  79 

)        13.  Will  W.  Clark  ("Gillhooley")  ....        84 

;        14.  Irwin  Russell  ......  89 

15.  JohnH.  Williams  ("B.  Dadd ")        .  .  .  .94 

16.  James  M.  Bailey  ("  Danbury  News  Man  ")          .  .  100 
/-  -17.  Charles  H.  Smith  ("  Bill  Arp ")          ....      104 

18.  A.  Miner  Griswold  ("  Fat  Contributor")  .  .  113 

19.  BillNye 117 

20.  Joseph  C.  Neal("  Charcoal  Sketcher")  .  .  123 


447987 


4  CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

21.  George  H.  Derby  ("John  Phoenix")              .           .           .  130 

22.  George  W.  Peck    ......  134 

23.  Alexander  Edwin  Sweet           .....  138 

24.  Samuel  W.  Small  ("  Old  Si")       ....  143 

25.  Charles  Hoyt    .......  146 

26.  Henry  Clay  Lukens  ("  Erratic  Enrique  ")             .            .  150 

27.  William  A.  Wilkins  ("  Hiram  Green.  Esq.")             .            .  154 

28.  Charles  H.  Harris  ("Carl  Pretzel")         .            .            .  161 

29.  Joel  Chandler  Harris  (' '  Uncle  Remus  ")                    .            .  165 

30.  David  Ross  Locke  ("  Petroleum  V.  Nasby")       .            .  170 

31.  Robert  Jones  Burdette  ("  The  Hawkeye  Man  ")        .            .  175 

32.  JoeC.  Aby  ("  Hoffenstein ")         ....  183 

33.  Edward  E.  Edwards    .  .  .  .  .  .189 

34.  Eugene  Field          ......  193 

35.  Stanley  Huntley  ("Spoopendyke  ")    ....  200 

36.  Some  Other  Funny  Fellows           ....  207 


FA  MO  US  FUNN  Y  FELLO  WS. 


INTRODUCTION. 


The  rollicking  newspaper  humor  of  the  day  is 
of  modern  origin.  It  is  even  yet  young  in  years. 
Humorists  and  newspaper  wits  were  once — say  a 
score  of  years  ago — considered  a  rarity  in  Amer- 
ica. At  that  time  humor  of  the  day  meant  the 
productions  of  a  very  few — Mark  Twain,  Joe 
Neal,  Artemus  Ward,  Major  Jones,  and  one  or 
two  others.  To-day  it  means  a  certain  jeu  d'  esprit 
that  can  readily  be  discovered  in  almost  every  first- 
class  newspaper  extant.  In  fact,  every  American 
journal  of  any  prominence  possesses  its  salaried 
paragrapher,  who  is  required  to  produce,  at  stipu- 
lated intervals,  a  certain  quantity  of  original 
humor,  whether  or  no  the  said  paragrapher  be  in 
a  humorous  mood. 

A  paragrapher  is  a  writer  of  paragraphs,  and 
paragraphs,  in  an  American  newspaper,  are  com- 


8  INTRODUCTION. 

monly  understood  to  be  short,  concise,  spicy  and 
readable  gems  of  wit  and  humor.  In  undertaking 
to  present,  in  printed  form,  brief  biographical 
sketches  relative  to  the  life,  character,  and  works 
of  representative  American  humorists,  I  entered 
into  the  work  with  the  idea  of  entertaining  and 
pleasing  the  American  public  at  large,  and  not 
with  the  intent  of  delighting  the  individual  humor- 
ist. 

The  volume  that  I  offer  to  the  reading  public  is 
the  work  of  two  years,  or  at  least  a  portion  of 
that  time.  When  I  first  began  on  the  work  I 
wrote  to  Mark  Twain,  asking  for  a  brief  introduc- 
tion, thinking  that  such  an  acquisition  to  the  book, 
coming  from  such  a  source,  would  be  highly  valu- 
able. At  the  time  of  receiving  my  letter  the 
genial  humorist  was  busily  engaged  putting  the 
finishing  touches  to  his  Tramp  Abroad,  and  he,  as 
a  result,  cruelly — I  will  not  say  wantonly — cut  me 
off  with  a  shilling.  However,  I  give  Twain's  re- 
ply to  my  communication,  for,  notwithstanding  its 
briefness,  the  epistle  contains  at  least  one  small 
grain  of  that  peculiar  wit  for  which  the  funny 
man  of  Hartford  is  noted.  Here  it  is: 


INTRODUCTION.  9 

"HARTFORD,  CONN.,  Nov.  18,  1879. 
M.  CLEMENS: 
"  My  Dear  Friend — Your  letter  received.     Lord 
bless  your  heart !     I  would  like   ever  so  much  to 
comply  with  your  request,    but  I  am    thrashing 
away  at  my  new  book,  and  am  afraid  that  I  should 
not  find  time  to  write  my  own  epitaph  in  case  I 
was  suddenly  called  for. 

'  Wishing  you  and  your  book  well,  believe  me, 
Yours  truly, 

SAMUEL  L.  CLEMENS." 


There  being  such  a  vast  field  from  which  to  se- 
lect the  titles  to  these  sketches,  I  have,  perhaps, 
unintentionally  omitted  or  neglected  a  certain  few 
of  the  great  and  growing  circle  of  funny  men.  I 
have  also  omitted,  intentionally,  such  humorists 
as  Irving,  Bret  Harte,  and  others  of  a  like  stamp, 
who  do  not,  in  any  sense,  belong  to  the  class  of 
newspaper  humorists. 

W.  M.  C. 

CLEVELAND,  OHIO,  1882 


FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS.  II 


SAMUEL,  LANGHORNE  CLEMENS. 

Routledge,  in  his  Men  of  the  Time,  says  that 
Samuel  Langhorne  Clemens,  better  known  by  the 
nom  de  plume  of  Mark  Twain,  was  born  in  Florida, 
Monroe  county,  Missouri,  November  30,  1835. 
During  the  last  ten  years  newspaper  reports  have 
made  Mark  Twain  the  native  of  a  dozen  different 
localities.  According  to  these  reports  Mark  has 
been  born  in  Adair  county,  Kentucky;  in  Fentress 
county,  Tennessee;  in  Hannibal,  Missouri;  and  in 
various  other  places.  However,  it  is  proper  for 
me  to  state  that  Mark  was  born  in  but  one  place, 
and  all  at  one  time.  Routledge  is  evidently  correct 
as  to  both  time  and  place. 

The  parents  of  Mark  Twain  were  married  in 
Kentucky  and  lived  for  some  years  in  that  State. 
His  mother  states  that  he  was  always  an  incor- 
rigible boy,  filled  with  roving  imaginations  from 
his  very  earliest  age,  and  could  never  be  per- 
suaded or  forced  to  attend  to  his  books  and  study, 
as  other  boys  did.  He  lost  his  father  at  the  age 
of  twelve,  and  soon  after  left  school  for  good. 


12          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

When  about  fifteen  years  of  age,  Mark  came  into 
the  house  one  day  and  asked  his  mother  for  five 
dollars.  On  being  questioned  as  to  what  he 
wanted  with  it,  he  said  he  wanted  it  to  start  out 
traveling  with.  He  failed  to  obtain  the  five  dol- 
lars, but  he  assured  his  mother  that  he  would  go 
all  the  same,  and  he  really  went,  nor  did  the  old 
lady  ever  set  eyes  on  him  again  until  he  had  be- 
come a  man.  Starting  out  on  his  travels  he 
learned  the  printing  business,  and  supported  him- 
self by  working  at  the  case. 

Clemens  was  but  seventeen  when  he  resolved 
to  become  a  steamboat  pilot  on  the  Mississippi 
river.  He  learned  the  river  in  due  time  from  St. 
Louis  to  New  Orleans,  a  distance  of  1,375  miles, 
and  followed  the  occupation  of  pilot  until  he  was 
twenty-four  years  old.  In  1861  an  elder  brother 
was  appointed  Lieutenant-governor  of  Nevada 
Territory.  He  offered  Mark  the  position  of  pri- 
vate secretary,  and  the  young  man  deserted  the 
river  and  went  West.  After  a  few  months  he 
abandoned  the  life  of  a  private  secretary,  and 
started  out  to  seek  a  fortune  in  the  mines.  In 
this  he  was  unsuccessful,  although  at  one  time,  for 
the  space  of  a  few  minutes,  Mark  owned  the 
famous  (Comstock  lode,  and  was  worth  millions. 
He  found  all  this  out  after  he  sold  the  claim. 

After  this,  Clemens  became  a  reporter  and  cor- 


SAMUEL  LANGHORNE  CLEMENS.       ^  I  $ 

respondent,  writing  to  the  Territorial  Enterprise 
and  other  papers,  and  occasionally  doing  work  at 
the  case.  He  wrote  at  times  over  the  nom  de 
plume  of  Mark  Twain,  a  title  he  adopted  from  his 
experiences  as  a  pilot  It  was  during  these  years, 
between  1862  and  1866,  that  Mark  perpetrated 
many  broad  and  practical  jokes,  using  his  journal- 
istic position  as  a  channel.  These  publications, 
gave  him  considerable  notoriety  in  the  West,  and 
especially  on  the  Pacific  coast.  For  several  years 
he  was  local  editor  of  the  Virginia  City  Enter- 
prise, but  in  1864  he  removed  to  San  Francisco, 
where  he  was  offered  a  good  position  on  a  paper 
there.  In  1865  he  went  to  the  Sandwich  Islands, 
to  write  up  the  sugar  plantations.  His  letters, 
were  very  readable  and  were  published  mostly  in 
the  Sacramento  Union.  All  this  time  Mark  was 
struggling  with  legitimate  literary  work,  and  pub- 
lished occasional  sketches  in  literary  weeklies, 
which  were  widely  copied  On  his  return  from 
Hawaii  he  lectured  for  a  short  time  in  California 
and  Nevada.  Some  of  his  sketches  having  at- 
tracted attention  in  the  East,  Mark  sailed  for  New 
York  in  the  early  part  of  1867,  and  published  a 
small  volume  of  sketches,  entitled  The  Celebrated 
Jumping  Frog  of  Calaveras,  and  Other  Sketches. 
The  book  sold  well  in  the  United  States,  and  was 
afterwards  republished  in  England.  Nearly  all 


14         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

the  sketches  that  appeared  in  the  book  had  pre- 
viously been  published  in  the  San  Francisco 
papers. 

In  1868,  Mr.  Clemens  formed  one  of  a  party 
who  sailed  in  the  steamship  Quaker  City,  for  an 
extended  excursion  to  Palestine  and  the  Holy 
Land.  He  went  in  the  capacity  of  a  newspaper 
correspondent  as  well  as  for  pleasure,  and  wrote 
interesting  letters  while  abroad  to  the  California 
papers.  Returning  to  America  he  gathered 
his  letters  together  and  re-wrote  them  in  book 
form,  which  he  called  Innocents  Abroad,  or  the 
New  Pilgrim's  Progress.  The  work  was  very 
funny,  yet  notwithstanding  the  rollicking  satire, 
and  laugh-provoking  character  of  the  book,  the 
author  met  with  the  greatest  difficulty  in  getting 
it  published.  He  sent  his  manuscript  to  the  lead- 
ing publishers  of  New  York,  Boston,  and  Phila- 
delphia, and  they  all  refused  it.  Mark's  literary 
vanity  was  sorely  wounded,  and  he  was  about  de- 
termined to  throw  his  book  into  the  fire  when  a 
literary  friend,  Albert  D.  Richardson,  now  de- 
ceased, to  whom  he  handed  the  manuscript,  pro- 
nounced it  very  clever  and  offered  to  take  it  with 
him  to  Hartford,  Connecticut,  where  was  located 
the  American  Publishing  Company,  a  firm  that 
had  issued  several  books  for  Richardson.  After 
much  talk  and  discussion  among  the  directors  of  the 


SAMUEL  LANGHORNE  CLEMENS.         I  5 

publishing  company,  the  book  was  finally  issued. 
Its  success  was  extraordinary,  and  since  its  publica- 
tion over  200,000  copies  of  the  book  have  been 
sold.  The  publishing  company  cleared  $75,000 
by  the  venture. 

In  1869  Twain  tried  journalism  for  a  time  in 
Buffalo,  where  he  held  an  editorial  position  on  a 
daily  paper.  While  there  he  fell  in  love  with  a 
young  lady,  a  sister  of  "Dan" — made  famous  in 
Innocents  Abroad — but  her  father,  a  gentleman 
of  wealth  and  position,  looked  unfavorably  upon 
his  daughter's  alliance  with  a  Bohemian  literary 
character. 

"I  like  you,"  he  said  to  Mark,  "but  what  do  I 
know  of  your  antecedents?  Who  is  there  to  an- 
swer for  you,  anyhow  ?  " 

After  reflecting  a  few  moments,  Mark  thought 
some  of  his  old  California  friends  would  speak  a 
good  word  for  him.  The  prospective  father-in-law 
wrote  letters  of  inquiry  to  several  residents  of  San 
Francisco,  to  whom  Clemens  referred  him,  and 
with  one  exception,  the  letters  denounced  him 
bitterly,  especially  deriding  his  capacity  for  becom- 
ing a  good  husband.  Mark  sat  besides  his  fiancee 
when  the  letters  were  read  aloud  by  the  old  gentle- 
man. There  was  a  dreadful  silence  for  a  moment, 
and  then  Mark  stammered:  "Well,  that's  pretty 
rough  on  a  fellow,  anyhow?" 


1 6  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

His  betrothed  came  to  the  rescue  however,  and 
overturned  the  mass  of  testimony  against  him  by 
saying,  "I'll  risk  you,  anyhow." 

The  terrible  father-in-law  lived  in  Elmira,  New 
York,  and  there  Mark  was  married.  He  had  told 
his  friends  in  the  newspaper  office  at  Buffalo,  to 
select  him  a  suite  of  rooms  in  a  first-class  boarding 
house  in  the  city,  and  to  have  a  carriage  at  the 
depot  to  meet  the  bride  and  groom.  Mark  knew 
they  would  do  it,  and  gave  himself  no  more 
anxiety  about  it.  When  he  reached  Buffalo,  he 
found  a  handsome  carriage,  a  beautiful  span  of 
horses  and  a  driver  in  livery.  They  drove  him  up 
to  a  handsome  house  on  an  aristocratic  street, 
and  as  the  door  was  opened,  there  were  the  parents 
of  the  bride  to  welcome  them  home.  The  old 
folks  had  arrived  on  the  quiet  by  a  special  train. 
After  Mark  had  gone  through  the  house  and 
examined  its  elegant  finishings,  he  was  notified 
officially  that  he  had  been  driven  by  his  own 
coachman,  in  his  own  carriage,  to  his  own  house. 
They  say  tears  came  to  his  wonderfully  dark  and 
piercing  eyes,  and  that  all  he  could  say  was  "Well, 
this  is  a  first-class  swindle." 

Not  long  after  his  marriage,  Mark  settled  down 
in  Hartford,  and  invested  capital  in  insurance  com- 
panies there.  His  second  book,  Roughing  It, 
appeared  in  1871,  and  had  almost  as  large  a  sale 


SAMUEL  LANGHORNE  CLEMENS.         \J 

as  its  predecessor.  He  visited  England  a  few 
months  later,  and  arranged  for  the  publication  of 
his  works  there  in  four  volumes.  On  his  return 
he  issued  his  third  book,  in  partnership  with 
Charles  Dudley  Warner,  which  was  styled  The 
Gilded  Age.  This  was  followed  by  the  Adventures 
of  Tom  Sawyer,  a  book  for  boys,  in  1876.  These 
books  all  commanded  an  immense  sale,  and  several 
editions  have  been  exhausted.  The  American 
Publishing  Company  of  Hartford  represented  these 
works  in  this  country,  Chatto  &  Windus  published 
them  in  England,  and  Mark's  continental  pub- 
lisher was  Tauchnitz  of  Leipzig. 

April  11,  1878,  Mark  Twain  sailed  for  Europe 
on  the  steamship  Holsatia.  He  was  accompanied 
by  his  family,  and  after  drifting  about  for  some 
months  on  foreign  shores,  settled  down  to  spend 
the  summer  in  Germany.  In  1879  ne  returned  to 
his  home  in  Hartford,  and  after  several  months  of 
work  produced  another  book,  A  Tramp  Abroad. 
This  work  had  a  ready  and  a  very  large  sale,  and 
has  become  quite  popular.  In  1881  he  issued 
another  book  through  a  Boston  house,  The  Prince 
and  Pauper.  This  also  has  had  a  large  sale  in 
this  and  other  countries. 

Among  his  other  accomplishments  Clemens  is  a 
politician,  and  has  done  good  service  on  the 
stump  for  the  Republican  party.  For  all  this  he 


1 8  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

is  the  proud  possessor  of  the  title  of  Honorable. 

Many  of  the  most  ludicrous  scenes  in  the  works 
of  Mark  Twain  are  taken  from  life.  The  steam- 
boat scene  in  the  adventures  of  Colonel  Sellers, 
was  witnessed  by  him  when  a  young  man.  His 
adventure  with  a  dead  man  was  in  his  father's 
office  in  Missouri.  His  description  of  the  horror 
creeping  over  him,  as  he  saw  a  ghastly  hand  lying 
in  the  moonlight ;  how  he  tried  to  shut  his  eyes 
and  tried  to  count,  and  opened  them  in  time  to 
see  the  dead  man  lying  on  the  floor  stiff  and  stark, 
with  a  ghastly  wound  in  his  side,  and  lastly  how  he 
beat  a  terrified  retreat  through  the  window,  carrying 
the  sash  with  him,  is  vividly  remembered  by  every 
reader  of  The  Gilded  Age.  The  whole  thing 
transpired  just  as  Mark  recorded  it — the  man  was 
killed  in  a  street  fight  almost  in  front  of  Mr. 
Clemens'  door,  was  taken  in  there  while  a  post 
mortem  examination  was  held,  and  there  left  until 
the  next  morning.  During  the  night  Mark  came 
in,  and  the  scene  he  described  was  really  enacted. 

The  Clemens  mansion  in  Hartford  is  a  model  of 
architectural  beauty,  and  is  elegantly  finished  in  the 
interior.  In  the  library,  over  the  large  fire-place, 
is  a  brass  plate  with  the  inscription  in  old  English 
text:  "The  ornament  of  a  house  is  the  friends 
who  frequent  it. "  Mark  does  not  use  the  library 
for  his  study,  but  does  nearly  all  his  writing  in  the 


SAMT^L    LANGHORNE    CLEMENS.  1 9 

billiard  room  at  the  top  of  the  house.  It  is  a  long 
room,  with  sloping  sides,  is  light  and  airy,  and 
very  quiet.  In  this  room  Mark  writes  at  a  plain 
table,  with  his  reference  books  lying  scattered 
about  him.  He  makes  it  an  invariable  rule  to  do 
a  certain  amount  of  literary  work  every  day,  and 
his  working  hours  are  made  continuous  by  his  not 
taking  a  mid-day  meal.  He  destroys  much  manu- 
script, and  it  is  said  he  rewrote  five  hundred  pages 
of  one  of  his  popular  books.  Mark  is  an  industri- 
ous worker,  and  continues  his  labors  the  year 
round.  In  summer  he  retreats  to  his  villa  on  the 
Hudson,  or  to  a  little  cottage  in  the  mountains 
near  Elmira,  New  York.  There  he  finds  the 
most  quiet  solitude,  and  there  he  works  un- 
disturbed. Mark  is  fond  of  his  home  life,  and 
of  his  three  beautiful  children.  He  has  achieved  a 
notable  success  as  a  lecturer,  both  in  this  country 
and  in  England. 

The  humor  of  Mark  Twain  is  never  forced.  It 
bubbles  up  of  its  own  accord,  and  is  always  fresh. 
In  his  recent  books  he  shows  less  of  genuine  wit 
than  in  his  earlier  works  perhaps,  but  yet  his 
writings  are  always  readable.  He  sent  me,  not  long 
since,  a  printed  slip  of  his  biography,  taken  from 
Men  of  the  Time,  and  on  the  margins  of  this 
appeared  the  following  bon  mot: 


2O  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLC^S. 

"Mv  DEAR  CLEMENS: 

' '  I  haven't  any  humorous  biography — the  facts 
don't  admit  of  it.  I  had  this  sketch  from  Men 
of  the  Time  printed  on  slips  to  enable  me  to  study 
my  history  at  my  leisure.  S.  L.  CLEMENS." 

There  is  a  popular  feeling  abroad  in  the  land  to 
the  effect  that  Mark  Twain  is  a  very  funny  man, 
and  that  he  is  seldom  sober.  This  is  a  grave  mis- 
take. Mr.  Clemens  is  by  nature  a  very  serious, 
thoughtful  man.  True  he  seldom  writes  that 
which  is  not  humorous,  but  occasionally  he  pens  a 
very  careful,  serious  communication,  like  the  fol- 
lowing for  instance,  which  he  addressed  to  a 
young  friend  of  mine  : 

"HARTFORD,  January  16,  1881. 
"Mv  DEAR  BOY: — How  can  I  advise  another 
man  wisely,  out  of  such  a  capital  as  a  life  filled 
with  mistakes?  Advise  him  how  to  avoid  the 
like?  No — for  opportunities  to  make  the  same 
mistakes  do  not  happen  to  any  two  men.  Your 
own  experiences  may  possibly  teach  you,  but 
another  man's  can't.  I  do  not  know  anything  for 
a  person  to  do  but  just  peg  along,  doing  the  things 
that  offer,  and  regretting  them  the  next  day.  It 
is  my  way,  and-everybody's. 

' '  Truly  yours, 

S.  L.  CLEMENS." 


SAMUEL  LANGHORNE  CLEMENS.         21 

A  writer  in  the  San  Francisco  Chronicle  wrote, 
not  many  years  since,  as  follows :  ' '  There  have 
been  moments  in  the  lives  of  various  kind  hearted 
and  respectable  citizens  of  California  and  Nevada, 
when,  if  Mark  Twain  were  up  before  them  as 
members  of  a  vigilance  committee  for  any  mild 
crime,  such  as  mule  stealing  or  arson,  it  is  to  be 
feared  his  shrift  would  have  been  short.  What  a 
dramatic  picture  the  idea  conjures  up,  to  be  sure ! 
Mark,  before  those  honest  men,  infuriated  by  his 
practical  jokes,  trying  to  show  them  what  an  inno- 
cent creature  he  was  when  it  came  to  mules,  or 
how  the  only  policy  of  fire  insurance  he  held  had 
lapsed,  and  how  void  of  guile  he  was  in  any  direc- 
tion, and  all  with  that  inimitable  drawl,  that  per- 
plexed countenance,  and  the  peculiar  scraping 
back  of  the  left  foot,  like  a  boy  speaking  his  first 
piece  at  school.  It  is  but  fair  to  say  that  the  fun 
Mark  mixed  up  for  citizens  in  those  days,  was  not 
altogether  appreciated  in  the  midst  of  it,  for  some 
one,  touched  too  sharply,  surge  bat  amari  aliquid, 
and  Mark  had  another  denouncer  joined  to  the 

wounded   throng He    is  keenly 

sensitive  to  sympathy  or  criticism,  and  relates,  as 
one  of  the  most  harrowing  experiences  of  his  life, 
a  six  hours'  ride  across  England,  his  fellow  trav- 
eler an  Englishman,  who,  shortly  after  they 
started,  drew  forth  the  first  volume  of  the  English 


22  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

edition  of  Innocents  Abroad  from  his  pocket,  and 
calmly  perused  it  from  beginning  to  end  without  a 
smile.  Then  he  drew  forth  the  second  volume 
and  read  it  as  solemnly  as  the  first.  Mark  says 
he  thought  he  should  die,  yet  John  Bull  was  prob- 
ably enjoying  it  after  his  own  undemonstrative 
style." 

In  another  instance  the  same  writer  says  of 
Mark  Twain  :  "This  literary  wag  has  performed 
some  services  which  entitle  him°to  the  gratitude  of 
his  generation.  He  has  run  the  traditional  Sun- 
day-school book  boy  through  his  literary  mangle 
and  turned  him  out  washed  and  ironed  into  a  proper 
state  of  flatness  and  collapse.  That  whining, 
canting,  early-dying  anaemic  creature  was  the 
nauseating  model  held  up  to  the  full-blooded  mis- 
chievous lads  of  by-gone  years  as  worthy  their 
imitation.  He  poured  his  religious  hypocrisy  over 
every  honest  pleasure  a  boy  had.  He  whined  his 
lachrymose  warnings  on  every  playground.  He 
vexed  their  lives.  So,  when  Mark  grew  old  enough 
he  went  gunning  for  him,  and  lo,  wherever  his  soul 
may  be,  the  skin  of  the  strumous  young  pietist  is 
now  neatly  tacked  up  to  view  on  the  Sunday- 
school  door  of  to-day  as  a  warning,  and  the  lads 
of  to-day  see  no  particular  charm  in  a  priggish, 
hydropathical  existence." 

Samuel  Langhorne  Clemens  is  in  th'e  high  tide 


SAMUEL    LANGHORNE    CLEMENS.  23 

of  his  success.  He  is  yet  a  young  man,  as  far  as 
the  literary  life  goes.  Outside  of  his  book  mak- 
ing, he  has  given  the  fun-loving  public  some 
admirable  things  in  the  way  of  wit  and  humor 
through  the  pages  of  the  leading  magazines.  The 
originality  of  his  writings  in  the  past  is  retained 
in  his  work  of  the  present,  and  he  gives  promise 
of  many  original,  things  in  the  future.  He  has  a 
liking  for  the  monotonous  labor  of  literary  work, 
his  health  is  as  yet  unimpaired,  he  has  been  fortu- 
nate in  love  and  in  financial  affairs,  is  consequently 
happy,  and  will  yet  give  to  the  world  of  letters 
many  quaint,  bright,  and  original  ideas.  Artemus 
Ward  and  Mark  Twain  are  without  a  doubt  the 
two  leading  humorists  of  the  present  century. 
While  we  have  the  Artemus  that  was,  we  possess 
the  Mark  that  is.  He  leads  the  van  of  humorists 
who  eke  out  an  existence  in  the  present.  He  is 
the  prince  of  funny  men.  Long  live  the  prince. 


24  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 


CHARLES  FARRAR  BROWNE. 

Probably  no  writer  in  America — or  out  of  it,  for 
that  matter — ever  attained  such  universal  noto- 
riety, in  such  a  brief  space  of  time,  as  did  that 
king  of  American  humorists,  Artemus  Ward.  His 
career  was  short  but  successful,  and  his  fame  will 
live  as  long  as  does  the  English  language.  Charles 
Farrar  Browne  was  born  in  the  hamlet  of  Water- 
ford,  Maine,  on  the  26th  day  of  April,  1834,  and 
died  at  Southampton,  England,  March  6,  1867. 
After  graduating  from  the  free  village  school  at 
Waterford  he  sought  and  obtained  employment  in 
a  printing  office.  As  a  printer's  apprentice  he  trav- 
eled throughout  the  New  England  States,  stopping 
for  a  brief  period  at  one  place  and  then  another. 
Finally  Charles  settled  down  in  Boston,  where  he 
obtained  employment  as  compositor  in  the  office 
of  a  weekly  paper.  He  soon  after  began  to  com- 
pose comic  stories  and  essays  for  different  periodi- 
cals, which  met  with  medium  success. 

Browne  remained  there  but  a  short  time,  how- 
ever, being  of  a  roving  disposition,  and  a  few 


CHARLES    FARRAR    BROWNE.  25 

months  later  he  gave  up  his  idea  of  settling  in 
Boston  and  left  for  the  West,  with  but  one  suit  of 
clothes  (those  were  on  his  back)  and  with  a  few 
cents  in  his  pocket.  He  obtained  work  as  local 
reporter  on  papers  in  Cincinnati  and  Toledo,  Ohio, 
and  finally  brought  up  at  Cleveland  in  1857,  in 
which  city  he  obtained  a  situation  as  reporter  on 
the  morning  Plain  Dealer.  His  old  associates  in 
Cleveland  tell  me  that  Browne  at  this  time  was 
considered  one  of  the  characters  of  the  town. 
His  dress  was  always  shabby  and  scant ;  his  habits 
irregular,  and  his  general  appearance  that  of 
a  country  "greenhorn."  He  delighted  in  wearing 
on  his  head  a  large  crowned  slouch  hat,  and  his 
pantaloons  were  as  a  rule  nearly  a  foot  too  short 
fjr  him.  Being  tall,  slim,  and  bony,  his  appear- 
ance in  those  days  as  he  slouched  along  the  streets 
of  Cleveland  in  search  of  items  could  not  have 
been  very  prepossessing,  to  say  the  least.  "He 
was  then,"  says  a  well  known  humorist,  "a  mild- 
mannered,  sunny-tempered  young  fellow  of  twen- 
ty-three, who  delighted  in  witty  anecdotes,  and 
told  droll  stories  in  an  inimitable  way." 

Despite  his  looks,  Browne  was  a  brilliant  and 
ready  writer.  He  became  involved  in  numerous 
journalistic  quarrels,  and  his  cutting  remarks  and 
timely  rebukes  to  his  cotemporaries  soon  made 
known  the  fact  that  he  could  not  be  mastered. 


26  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

A.  Miner  Griswold,  the  Cincinnati  humorist, 
tells  the  following  story  of  Browne  at  that  time  : 
"The  first  night  of  our  acquaintance  he  took  me 
to  a  school  exhibition  on  Cleveland  heights,  and 
his  whispered  comments  upon  the  performance 
amused  me  greatly.  They  gave  a  portion  of  the 
play  of  Rolla :  '  How  now,  Gomez,  what  bringest 
thou  ?  '  Gomez :  '  On  yonder  mountain  we  sur- 
prised an  old  Peruvian.'  Said  Brown  in  a  whisper, 
'They  knew  him  by  his  bark,  a  small  bundle  of 
which  you  perceive  he  carries  on  his  shoulder.' 
There  have  been  many  Peruvian  bark  jokes  since, 
but  that  was  then  fresh  to  me — too  fresh,  perhaps. 
But  one  finds  plenty  of  funny  people  at  twenty- 
two,  and  I  little  dreamed  that  my  entertainer,  the 
green  young  man  by  the  name  of  Browne,  was 
destined  to  make  the  whole  world  laugh,  and 
weep,  too,  when  it  heard  of  his  death.  It  did 
occur  to  me  as  we  drove  back  in  the  buggy  that 
my  new  friend  was  the  least  bit  eccentric.  After 
riding  along  in  silence  for  a  time  he  suddenly 
declared  that  he  liked  me,  and  asked  me  if  I  had 
any  objections  to  one  embrace.  Then  he  at- 
tempted to  throw  his  arms  around  me,  but  owing 
to  the  darkness,  I  suppose,  he  embraced  a  new 
plug  hat  that  I  wore,  and  when  he  let  go  it  was 
crushed  into  a  shapeless  mass.  He  apologized 
profusely  when  he  discovered  what  he  had  dones 


CHARLES    FARRAR    BROWNE.  2/ 

appeared  to  give  way  to  a  momentary  burst 
of  tears,  and  then  said  that  Shakespeare  wouldn't 
have  succeeded  as  a  local  editor,  because  he  hadn't 
the  necessary  fancy  and  imagination. 

"Barring  an  unreasonable  desire  to  drive  off  the 
canal  bridge  into  the  water,  which  I  prevailed 
upon  him  to  relinquish  with  some  difficulty,  we 
reached  the  city  without  further  incident.  His 
humorous  account  of  the  school  exhibition  in  the 
next  day's  paper  confirmed  me  in  the  impression 
that  the  young  man  by  the  name  of  Browne  pos- 
sessed a  rare  streak  of  original  humor." 

The  following  autumn  Browne  published  his 
first  "Artemus  Ward"  letter  that  was  extensively 
copied,  an  account  of  the  Atlantic  cable  celebra- 
tion in  Baldwinsville ;  followed  soon  after  by  the 
Free  Lovers  of  Berlin  Heights,  and  later  his  let- 
ters from  "Artemus  Ward,  showman,"  appeared, 
which  attracted  general  attention. 

In  the  early  part  of  1860,  Browne  surrendered 
his  position  as  city  editor  of  the  Plain  Dealer,  and 
left  Cleveland  for  New  York.  In  the  metrop- 
olis he  was  engaged  as  a  contributor  to  Vanity 
Fair,  a  comic  weekly  paper  that  had  but  recently 
been  established.  Vanity  Fair  was  a  success  for  a 
time,  but  it  was  not  lasting.  Some  months  after 
his  arrival  in  New  York,  Browne  was  offered  the 
position  as  editor  of  the  publication,  and  after 


28  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

some  hesitancy,  he  accepted.  The  paper  sus- 
pended soon  after,  and  the  young  humorist  was 
thrown  upon  his  own  resources  once  again.  Sev- 
eral positions  were  offered  him  on  various  New 
York  journals,  but  he  concluded  to  give  up  jour- 
nalism for  a  time  and  turn  his  attention  to  lectur- 
ing. 

His  first  lecture,  which  was  of  a  humorous 
nature,  was  delivered  in  New  York  city,  Decem- 
ber 23,  1 86 1,  and  was  well  received.  As  a  lec- 
turer he  was  at  once  acknowledged  as  a  success, 
and  immediately  delivered  his  mirth  provoking 
orations  in  various  parts  of  the  country.  In  1862 
he  published  his  first  book,  entitled  Artemus 
Ward,  His  Book.  In  1863  he  paid  a  visit  to  the 
Pacific  coast,  making  an  overland  trip,  visiting 
Salt  Lake  city,  and  addressing  large  audiences 
wherever  he  stopped. 

Returning  to  New  York  city  in  1864,  he  opened 
his  illustrated  lectures  on  California  and  Utah  with 
immense  success.  About  this  time  his  other 
books,  Artemus  Ward  Among  the  Mormons,  and 
Ward  Among  the  Fenians,  appeared.  In  1866  he 
was  prevailed  upon  by  his  friends  to  visit  England, 
where  he  became  a  regular  contributor  to  Punch, 
and  gave  his  lecture  on  the  Mormons,  in  the  British 
metropolis.  But  while  he  was  convulsing  all  Lon- 
don with  laughter  he  was  fast  falling  a  victim  to 


CHARLES  FARRAR  BROWNE.          29 

consumption,  and  becoming  worse  he  went  to 
Guernsey  in  1867  for  the  benefit  of  his  health. 
He  became  no  better,  and  when  he  was  just  about 
preparing  to  return  to  America,  he  died  at  South- 
ampton, March  6,  1867.  By  his  will,  after  pro- 
viding for  his  mother,  leaving  legacies  to  his 
friends,  and  his  library  of  valuable  books  to  a 
school-boy  friend  in  his  native  village,  he  left  the 
bulk  of  his  property  in  trust  to  Horace  Greeley 
for  the  purpose  of  founding  an  asylum  for 
printers. 

Mark  Twain,  in  a  private  letter  to  a  friend  in 
Tennessee,  says  of  Artemus  Ward  : 

"He  was  one  of  the  kindest  and  gentlest  of 
men,  and  the  hold  he  took  on  the  English  people 
surpasses  imagination.  Artemus  Ward  once  said 
to  me  gravely,  almost  sadly  : 

"  '  Clemens,  I  have  done  too  much  fooling,  too 
much  trifling  ;  I  am  going  to  write  something  that 
will  live." 

"  'Well,  what  for  instance? 

"In  the  same  grave  way,  he  said : 

"'A  lie.' 

"It  was  an  admirable  surprise.  I  was  just 
ready  to  cry;  he  was  becoming  pathetic." 

There  have  been  hundreds  of  stories  of  Artemus 
Ward  going  the  rounds  of  the  American  press 
during  the  past  twenty  years.  A  few  of  them  are 


30  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

founded  on  facts,  some  of  them  are  good,  but 
many,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  are  base  fabrications. 
This  is  not  the  case,  however,  with  the  little  re- 
minder that  certain  residents  of  Pottstown,  Penn- 
sylvania, are  wont  to  tell.  Ward  was  advertised 
to  deliver  his  famous  lecture  on  the  Mormons,  in 
the  town  hall,  at  Pottstown,  during  the  winter  of 
one  of  the  earlier  years  of  the  war.  Much  curios- 
ity was  excited  by  the  announcement  of  his  com- 
ing, and  there  was  every  reason  to  expect  that  the 
hall  would  be  crowded  on  the  evening  of  the  lec- 
ture. A  fierce  snow  storm  raged  all  day,  how- 
ever, and  the  night  was  wild  and  stormy.  When 
the  lecturer  was  driven  to  the  hall,  he  found  waiting 
for  him  only  five  men,  who  had  defied  the  storm. 
Advancing  to  the  stage,  and  beckoning  with  the 
finger,  as  to  a  single  individual,  Artemus  said,  in 
an  ordinary  conversational  tone : 

"  Come  up  closer." 

Not  knowing  precisely  what  to  do,  the  audience 
of  five  compromised  with  their  embarrassment  by 
doing  nothing.  Artemus  changed  his  tone  to 
that  used  by  one  who  wished  to  coax,  and  said : 

"  Please  come  up  closer,  and  be  sociable.  I  want 
to  speak  to  you  about  a  little  matter  I  have  thought 
of." 

The  audience,  thus  being  persuaded,  came  up  a 
little  closer,  and  the  humorist  said  : 


CHARLES  FARRAR  BROWNE.          31 

"I  move  that  we  don't  have  any  lecture  here 
this  evening,  and  I  propose  instead  that  we  ad- 
journ to  the  restaurant  beneath  and  have  a  good 
time." 

Ward  then  put  the  motion,  voted  on  it  himself, 
declared  it  carried,  and,  to  give  no  opportunity  for 
an  appeal  from  the  chair,  at  once  led  the  way  to 
the  restaurant.  There  he  introduced  himself  to 
his  intended  auditors,  and  spent  several  hours  in 
their  company,  richly  compensating  them  for  dis- 
appointment in  the  matter  of  the  lecture,  by  the 
wit  and  humor  of  the  stories  that  he  told.  That 
was  how  Artemus  Ward  lectured  in  Pottstown. 

Glancing  hurriedly  through  Ward's  volume  of 
sketches,  I  find  none  more  amusing  than  his  de- 
scription of 

THE  CENSUS. 

The  sences  taker  in  our  town  being  taken  sick, 
he  deppertised  me  to  go  out  for  him  one  day,  and 
as  he  was  too  ill  to  give  me  information  how  to 
perceed,  I  was  consekently  compelled  to  go  it 
blind.  Sittin'  down  by  the  roadside  I  draw'd  up 
the  follerin'  list  of  questions,  which  I  proposed 
to  ax  the  people  I  visited : 

Wat's  your  age  ? 

Whar'  was  you  born  ? 

Air  you  married,  and  if  so,  how  do  you  like  it? 

How  many  children  hav'  you,  and  do  they  sum"- 


32  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

ciently  resemble  you  so  as  to  proclood  the  possi- 
bility of  their  belongin'  to  any  of  your  nabers  ? 

Did  you  ever  have  the  measles,  and  if  so,  how 
many  ?  • 

Hav'  you  a  twin  brother  several  years  older  than 
yourself? 

How  many  parents  have  you? 

Do  you  read  Watt's  Hymns  reg'lar? 

Do  you  use  bought'n  tabacker  ? 

Wat's  your  fitin'  weight  ? 

Air  you  troubled  with  biles  ? 

How  does  your  meresham  culler? 

State  whether  you  air  blind,  deaf,  idiotic,  or  got 
the  heaves? 

Do  you  know  any  Opry  singers,  and  if  so  how 
much  do  they  owe  you  ? 

What's  the  average  of  virtoo  in  the  Ery  canawl  ? 

If  four  barrels  of  emtin's  pored  onto  a  barn 
floor  will  kiver  it,  how  many  plase  can  Dion 
Boucicault  write  in  a  year  ? 

Is  beans  a  reg'lar  article  of  diet  in  your  family  ? 

How  many  chickens  hav'  you,  on  foot  and  in 
the  shell  ? 

Air  you  aware  that  Injiany  whisky  is  used  in 
New  York  shootin'  galrys  insted  of  pistols,  and 
that  it  shoots  furthest  ? 

Was  you  ever  at  Niagry  Falls  ? 

Was  you  ever  in  the  penitentiary  ? 


CHARLES    FARRAR    BROWNE.  33 

State  how  much  pork,  impendin'  crysis,  Dutch 
cheese,  poplar  survinity,  standard  poetry,  chil- 
dren's strainers,  slave  code,  catnip,  red  flannel, 
ancient  history,  pickled  tomatoes,  old  junk,  per- 
foomery,  coal  ile,  liberty,  hoopskirts,  etc.,  have 
you  got  on  hand  ? 

But  it  didn't  work.  I  got  into  a  row  at  the 
first  house  I  stopt  at,  with  some  old  maids.  Dis- 
believin'  the  answers  they  give  in  regard  to  their 
ages  I  endeavored  to  open  their  mouths  and  look 
at  their  teeth,  same  as  they  do  with  horses,  but 
they  floo  into  a  violent  rage  and  tackled  me  with 
brooms  and  sich.  Takin'  the  sences  requires  ex- 
perience, like  as  any  other  bizness. 


Browne  had  few  if  any  enemies,  and  hosts  of 
friends.  Everyone  with  whom  he  became  ac- 
quainted became  his  friend.  He  was  as  genial  as 
he  was  humorous,  and  his  former  companions 
who  are  yet  alive  look  back  upon  the  time  when 
Artemus  Ward,  the  king  of  American  humorists, 
took  their  proffered  hand  and  shook  it  warmly  in 
his  original  and  friendly  way. 


34  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 


CHARLES  HEBER  CLARK. 

On  the  eastern  shore  of  Maryland  is  situated  a 
town  known  to  the  post-office  authorities  as  Ber- 
lin. It  was  in  Berlin  in  the  warm  month  of  July, 
1841,  that  Charles  Heber  Clark,  "Max  Adeler," 
first  saw  the  light  of  day. 

His  father  was  a  clergyman  in  the  Episcopal 
church,  but'  this  appeared  to  have  little  effect 
on  Charles,  who,  like  all  bad  boys,  grew  up  to 
make  fun  of  everybody  and  everything.  He  was 
sent  to  Georgetown,  District  of  Columbia,  early" 
in  'life,  being  shipped  by  express  and  labeled 
"handle  with  care."  He  attended  school  for  a 
brief  period,  learning  but  little,  and  jumped  into 
the  mercantile  world  by  moving  his  linen  to  Phila- 
delphia. 

The  mercantile  business  appeared  to  agree  with 
his  constitution  until  1865,  when  he  bethought 
himself  that  he  had  been  sent  into  this  wicked 
world  for  the  express  purpose  of  becoming  a 
journalist.  He  subsequently  began  his  editorial 
career  on  the  Philadelphia  Enquirer  during  that 


CHARLES    HEBER    CLARK.  35 

same  year.  Clark  made  rapid  advancement  in 
journalism,  and  in  1867  became  one  of  the  edi- 
tors of  the  Evening  Bulletin,  of  which  paper  he  is 
at  present  one  of  the  proprietors. 

It  was  soon  after  Clark  entered  upon  his  edi- 
torial duties  at  the  Bulletin  office  that  the  droll 
humor  of  his  pen  began  to  attract  general  atten- 
tion. His  most  amusing  articles  were  written  in 
the  intervals  of  his  private  life,  and  the  more  seri- 
ous daily  newspaper  work  to  which  he  devoted  him- 
self. He  is  not,  and  never  was,  a  paragrapher,  but 
has  thrown  out  to  the  world  his  droll  and  grotesque 
humor  in  the  form  of  narratives.  His  fun  is  of 
the  most  rollicking  kind,  and  ranks  him  along  with 
Mark  Twain  and  Artemus  Ward.  Three  volumes 
of  humor  have  appeared  from  his  pen. 

His  best  known  books  are  Out  of  the  Hurly 
Burly,  and  Elbow  Room.  These  works  appeared 
several  years  ago  simultaneously  in  this  country 
and  in  England.  The  sales  were  large,  and  over 
five  thousand  copies  of  Elbow  Room  were  sold  in 
London  within  a  month  after  its  publication.  Both 
books  have  been  issued  in  Canada,  where  the 
piratical  publishers  sold  them  by  the  thousand. 

His  latest  work,  issued  quite  early  in  1882,  en- 
titled The  Fortunate  Island  and  Other  Stories,  is 
meeting  with  a  wide  sale.  It  is  destined  to  be- 
come very  popular.  Mr.  Clark  is  fond  of  his 


36  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

home  and  family.  His  residence  is  located  in  a 
remote  but  beautiful  suburb  of  Philadelphia,  where 
he  hopes  to  live  to  a  ripe  old  age.  Mr.  Clark  is 
an  excellent  musician,  and  for  a  number  of  years 
he  acted  in  the  capacity  of  organist  for  one  of  the 
Quaker  City  churches. 

Besides  his  book-making  Mr.  Clark  still  retains 
a  firm  hold  on  journalism.  He  takes  a  leading  in- 
terest in  his  paper,  the  Bulletin,  and  writes  the 
dramatic  criticisms  and  a  portion  of  the  editorials. 
He  also  edits  the  humorous  department  of  Our 
Continent,  a  well-known  literary  weekly,  published 
in  Philadelphia. 

As  a  writer  and  composer  of  ooituary  verse 
Max  Adeler  has  probably  no  equal,  unless  it  be 
another,  older,  and  more  prominent  Philadelphia 
journalist — Childs,  of  the  Ledger.  The  following 
rare  exotics  are  selected  from  Out  of  the  Hurly 
Burly : 

"Four  doctors  tackled  Johnny  Smith — 

They  blistered  and  they  bled  him; 
With  squills  and  anti-bilious  pills 
And  ipecac  they  fed  him. 

"They  stirred  him  up  with  calomel 

And  tried  to  move  his  liver; 

But  all  in  vain — his  little  soul 

Was  wafted  o'er  the  river." 

Of  another  little  youngster,  just  departed,  Max 
warbles : 


CHARLES    HEBER    CLARK.  37 

"Little  Alexander's  dead; 

Jam  him  in  a  coffin; 
Don't  have  as  good  a  chance 

For  a  funeral  often. 
"Rush  his  body  right  around 

To  the  cemetery, 
Drop  him  in  the  sepulchre 
With  his  uncle  Jerry." 

In  another  instance,  Adeler  gets  off  the  follow- 
ing horrible  concoction : 

"O!  bury  Bartholomew  out  in  the  woods, 

In  a  beautiful  hole  in  the  ground, 
Where  the  bumble-bees  buzz  and  the  woodpeckers  sing, 

And  the  straddle-bugs  tumble  around; 
So  that  in  winter,  when  the  snow  and  the  slush 

Have  covered  his  last  little  bed, 
His  brother  Artemas  can  go  out  with  Jane 

And  visit  the  place  with  his  sled. " 

Then,  I  am  pleased  to  give  another  choice  se- 
lection from  Clark's  wonderful  storehouse : 

"The  death  angel  smote  Alexander  McGlue, 

And  gave  him  protracted  repose; 
He  wore  a  checked  shirt  and  number  nine  shoe, 

And  he  had  a  pink  wart  on  his  nose. 
"No  doubt  he  is  happier  dwelling  in  space 

Over  there  on  the  evergreen  shore. 
His  friends  are  informed  that  his  funeral  takes  place 
Precisely  at  quarter  past  four." 

The  same  volume  contains  an  admirable  bit  of 
drollery  in  the  following  take-off  on  art  criticism: 
ART  NEWS. 

We  have  received  from   the  eminent  sculptor, 
Mr.  Felix   Mullins,    of  Wilmington,   a  comic  has 


447987 


38          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

relief,  designed  for  an  ornamental  fireboard.  It 
represents  an  Irishman  in  his  night-shirt  running 
away  with  the  little  god  Cupid,  while  the  Irish- 
man's sweetheart  demurely  hangs  her  head  in  the 
corner.  Every  true  work  of  art  tells  its  own 
story ;  and  we  understand,  as  soon  as  we  glance 
at  this,  that  our  Irish  friend  has  been  coquetted 
with  by  the  fair  one,  and  is  pretending  to  transfer 
his  love  to  other  quarters.  There  is  a  lurking 
smile  on  the  Irishman's  lips,  which  expresses  his 
mischievous  intentions  perfectly.  We  think  it 
would  have  been  better  to  have  clothed  him  in 
something  else  than  a  night-shirt,  and  to  have 
smoothed  down  his  hair.  We  have  placed  this 
chef '  d*  ceuvre  upon  a  shelf  in  our  office,  where  it 
will  undoubtedly  be  admired  by  our  friends  when 
they  call.  We  are  glad  to  encourage  such  prog- 
gress  in  Delaware  art. 

Adeler  has  given  the  public  an  admirable  satire 
in  his 

IMPROVED  CONGRESSIONAL   RECORD. 

If  Congress  resolve  to  act  upon  the  sugges- 
tion of  Senator  Miller  that  the  Congressional 
Record  be  issued  as  a  weekly  and  sent  to  every 
family  in  the  country,  some  modification  ought  to 
be  made  in  the  contents  of  the  Record.  The 
paper  is  much  too  heavy  and  dismal  in  its  present 


CHARLES    HEBER    CLARK.  39 

condition  to  be  welcomed  in  the  ordinary  Ameri- 
can household.  Perhaps  it  might  have  a  puzzle 
department,  and  if  so  one  of  the  first  puzzles 
could  take  the  shape  of  an  inquiry  how  it  happens 
that  so  many  Congressmen  get  rich  on  a  salary  of 
five  thousand  a  year.  The  department  of  answers 
to  correspondents  could  be  enriched  with  references 
to  letters  from  office  seekers,  and  the  department 
of  Household  Economy  could  contain  explana- 
tions of  how  the  members  frank  their  shirts  home 
through  the  post-office  so  as  to  get  them  in  the 
family  wash.  As  for  the  general  contents,  de- 
scribing the  business  proceedings  in  the  Senate 
and  the  House,  we  recommend  that  these  should 
be  put  in  the  form  of  verse.  We  should  treat 
them,  say,  something  in  this  fashion: 

Mr.  Hill 

Introduced  a  bill 
To  give  John  Smith  a  pension; 

Mr.  Bayard 

Talked  himself  tired, 
But  said  nothing  worthy  of  mention. 

This  would  be  succinct,  musical,  and  a  degree 
impressive.  The  youngest  reader  could  grasp  the 
meaning  of  it,  and  it  could  be  easily  committed  to 
memory.  Or  a  scene  in  the  House  might  be  de- 
picted in  such  terms  as  these: 

A  very  able  speech  was  made  by  Cox,  of  Minnesota, 
Respecting  the  necessity  of  protecting  the  black  voter, 
Twas  indignantly  responded  to  by  Smith,  of  Alabama, 


4O  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

Whose  abominable  talk  was  silenced  by  the  Speaker's  hammer. 
Then  Atkinson,  of  Kansas,  rose  to. make  an  explanation, 
But  was  pulled  down  by  a  colleague  in  a  state  of  indignation. 
And  Mr.  Alexander,  in  a  speech  about  insurance, 
Taxed  the  patience  of  his  hearers  pretty  nearly  past  endurance, 
After  which  Judge  Whittaker  denounced  the  reciprocity 
Treaty  with  Hawaii  as  a  scandalous  monstrosity. 

Of  course  versification  of  the  Congressional 
Record  would  require  the  services  of  a  poet  laure- 
ate of  rather  unusual  powers.  If  Congress  shall 
accept  seriously  the  suggestions  which  we  make 
with  an  earnest  desire  to  promote  the  public  inter- 
est, we  shall  venture  to  recommend  the  selection 
of  the  Sweet  Singer  of  Michigan  as  the  first  occu- 
pant of  the  laureate's  office." 


CHARLES       B        LEWIS.  4! 


CHARLES  B.  LEWIS. 


The  Detroit  Weekly  Free  Press  is  a  famous 
American  newspaper.  For  a  decade  it  has 
amused  and  instructed  a  hundred  thousand  fam- 
ilies in  the  United  States  and  Canada,  yet  prior 
to  1870  the  paper  was  almost  unknown  outside  the 
•limits  of  the  City  of  the  Straits.  The  humorous 
column  of  the  Free  Press  and  the  witty  descrip- 
tive articles  printed  over  the  signature  of  "  M. 
Quad,"  explains  the  secret  of  the  success  of  this 
popular  Detroit  newspaper. 

Charles  B.  Lewis,  who  is  the  proprietor  of  that 
typographical  nom  de  plume  "  M.  Quad, "  began 
writing  for  the  Free  Press  as  far  back  as  1870,  and 
since  that  time  the  success  of  the  paper  has  been 
almost  phenomenal.  The  Detroit  Free  Press  has 
not  only  attained  an  immense  circulation  in  this 
country,  but  has  carried  its  success  across  the 
Atlantic,  where  in  the  great  English  metropolis 
a  weekly  edition  of  the  Detroit  Free  Press  is 
issued  for  the  amusement  and  gratification  of  all 
English-reading  Europe. 


42  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

The  life  of  M.  Quad  has  been  a  most  romantic 
one,  and  if  properly  told  would  fill  a  volume. 
He  is  now  over  fifty  years  of  age,  and  is  a  native 
of  East  Liverpool,  Ohio.  At  the  early  age  of  four- 
teen, Lewis  became  "printers'  devil"  in  the  office 
of  the  Lansing  (Michigan)  Journal.  At  the 
breaking  out  of  the  war  he  enlisted  in  a  Michigan 
regiment  and  served  both  in  cavalry  and  infantry, 
winning  many  laurels  on  the  field  of  battle.  After 
the  war  he  went  West  and  tried  Indian  fighting 
for  a  time.  Winning  a  lieutenantcy  he  retired 
and  entered  journalism.  In  1868  he  came  near 
being  killed  by  being  blown  up  on  the  steamer 
Magnolia,  on  the  Ohio  river.  When  he  came  down 
he  was  dragged  out  on  the  shore  by  an  old 
woman,  who  laid  him  out  unconscious,  among  the 
dead  and  wounded  on  the  beach.  He  was  taken 
for  a  dead  negro  and  was  carted  away  to  the 
morgue  for  burial. 

He  revived  after  a  time,  his  wounds  were  dressed 
and  he  recovered  in  a  few  days.  Afterwards  he 
wrote  a  humorous  account  of  the  explosion,  which 
was  in  a  vein  so  irresistibly  funny  that  it  started 
him  on  the  road  to  fame.  In  1870  he  finally  set- 
tled down  as  a  humorous  writer  on  the  Detroit 
Free  Press,  with  which  journal  he  has  been  con- 
nected ever  since. 

Lewis   published   Goaks   and    Tears    in    1875, 


CHARLES   B.    LEWIS.  43 

which  he  prefaced  by  a  "a  brief  biography  of  M. 
Quad,  the  Free  Press  man,  written  by  his  mother- 
in-law."  In  this  production  he  says  of  himself: 

BIOGRAPHY    OF    M.    QUAD. 

There  was  nothing  remarkable  about  his  baby- 
hood except  his  red  hair  and  the  great  quantity  of 
soothing  syrup  necessary  to  keep  him  toned 
down. 

He  was  born  of  humble  parents.  His  father 
had  never  been  on  a  jury,  delivered  a  Fourth  of 
July  oration,  or  been  sued  for  slander,  and  his 
mother  had  never  rescued  anybody  from  drown- 
ing, or  delivered  a  lecture  on  woman's  rights. 

He  never  had  any  brothers  or  sisters.  He 
might  have  had  in  due  time,  but  his  midnight 
howls  wore  his  mother  out  when  he  was  two  years 
old,  and  she  went  to  join  the  angels  and  left  him 
to  howl  it  out. 

His  father  was  accidentally  shot  while  courting 
a  second  wife,  and  the  boy  kicked  the  clothes  off 
the  bed  to  find  himself  an  orphan. 

He  was  the  sole  heir  to  all  the  property,  and 
the  property  consisted  of  a  wheelbarrow,  a  tooth- 
brush, and  one  or  two  other  things.  The  boy's 
uncle  swooped  down  on  the  estate,  stole  every 
thing  but  the  debt  it  was  owing,  and  the  orphan 
was  given  a  grand  bounce  into  the  cold  and  heart- 
less world. 


44          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

But  little  is  known  of  his  boyhood.  He  prob- 
ably had  patches  before  and  behind,  like  other 
orphans  ;  wept  over  the  grave  of  his  mother  in  his 
sad  moments,  and  crawled  under  the  circus  canvas 
in  his  hours  of  sunshine.  Nothing  in  his  demeanor 
attracted  the  attention  of  John  Jacob  Astor  or 
Commodore  Vanderbilt,  and  consequently  he  had 
more  cuffs  than  fat  clerkships. 

At  the  age  of  fifteen  he  was  invited  to  go  up 
in  a  balloon. 

He  didn't  go. 

When  he  was  seventeen  he  decided  to  become 
a  pirate,  and  all  the  captains  of  the  Erie  canal  dis- 
couraged him. 

At  eighteen  he  was  in  the  legislature — sat  there 
and  heard  a  speech  and  then  left  with  the  other 
spectators. 

At  twenty  he  was  foreman  of  a  fire  company, 
but  was  impeached  because  he  couldn't  "  holler  " 
as  loudly  as  "  No.  7." 

He  had  just  reached  his  majority  when  he  led  a 
rich  and  beautiful  girl  to  the  altar — and  handed 
her  over  to  the  bridegroom.  He  commenced  in 
that  year  to  be  a  "head-writer"  on  newspapers. 
Was  almost  daily  informed  that  his  proper  sphere 
was  acting  governor  of  a  state,  or  in  commanding 
armies,  but  he  stuck  to  journalistic  work. 

He  was  funny  from  the  start,  but  it  took  eight- 


CHARLES    B.    LEWIS.  45. 

een  years  to  make  people  believe  it.  He  has  had 
many  wives,  and  is  the  father  of  scores  of  happy 
children.  He  has  had  the  cholera  and  small-pox, 
written  articles  varying  from  astronomy  to  the 
best  manner  of  curing  hams,  been  wrecked,  shot, 
assassinated,  and  banished,  and  is  to-day  hale> 
hearty,  and  bald-headed. 

All  reports  about  a  steamboat  blowing  him  up 
are  canards.  He  blew  the  boat  up. 

For  further  particulars  see  circulars. 

For  ten  years  after  M.  Quad  joined  forces  with 
the  Detroit  Free  Press  he  wrote  steadily  for  that 
journal,  and  rarely  allowed  an  issue  of  the  paper 
to  be  made  without  a  humorous  article  from  his 
pen.  Since  1880,  however,  little  or  no  humor  has 
appeared,  Mr.  Lewis  changing  suddenly  from  a 
gay,  rollicking  style  to  descriptive  sketches, 
thoughtful  and  pathetic.  In  1881  he  made  a 
lengthy  visit  to  the  South  and  tramped  over  the 
old  battlefields  of  the  Rebellion.  In  the  columns 
of  the  Free  Press  he  described,  in  a  series  of  weekly 
letters,  the  battles  and  the  battlefields  of  the  en- 
gagements with  which  he  had  been  connected  dur- 
ing the  war.  These  letters  were  written  under  the 
title  of  Sixteen  Years  After,  and  signed  by  M. 
Quad.  They  have  been  copied  extensively  by  the 
American  and  foreign  press. 


46  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

One  of  the  raciest  things  that  has  ever  appeared 
from  the  pen  of  Charles  B.  Lewis,  is  the  follow- 
ing: 

NEW  YEAR'S  ADDRESS. 

Once  more  the  whirligig  of  time  has  yanked  an 
old  year  out,  and  a  new  one  in. 

Glad  on't. 

If  there  is  anything  lonesome  and  monotonous, 
it  is  last  year.  The  old  year  had  a  few  charms, 
but  the  new  one  promises  to  give  them  half  a  mile 
the  start,  and  then-  go  under  the  string  first. 

And  yet  one  feels  a  trifle  sad  to  part  with  the 
old  year,  when  he  comes  to  think  it  over.  As 
memory's  bob-tail  car  pulls  us  down  the  long  lane 
of  the  past,  one  lodks  out  of  the  window  at  the 
well-remembered  objects  of  former  days,  and  his 
heart  saddens. 

Where's  the  fat  girl  who  rested  her  head  on  your 
bosom  when  the  old  year  was  new  ?  Gone— yes, 
gone — slid  out  to  take  charge  of  the  snake-cage  in 
a  traveling  museum  of  natural  wonders,  and  your 
wounded  heart  sorrowfully  but  vainly  calls, — 

"Come  back,  fat  girl — come  back?" 

Where's  the  alligator  boots  which  sat  around 
the  festive  board  last  new  year's  day?  Where's 
the  silk  umbrella  you  left  on  the  doorstep  this 
morning? 

Where's  the  ton  of  coal  and  the  jar  of  country 


CHARLES    B.    LEWIS.  47 

butter  you  laid  in  about  that  time?  Where's  the 
plumber  who  agreed  to  "come  right  up,"  and 
thaw  that  water-pipe  out?  The  sad  wind  sighing 
through  the  treeless  leaves,  solemnly  puckers  its 
mouth,  and  sadly  answers, — 

"Gone  up ! " 

One  by  one  they  have  fallen  beside  the  curb- 
stone of  life's  dreary  highway,  have  been  swept 
over  and  almost  forgotten,  while  you  and  I  have 
been  spared  to  put  up  the  stoves  another  time,  and 
to  have  the  landlord  raise  the  rent  on  us — drat 
him  !  It  makes  one  feel  sad,  especially  the  rent 
business. 

Farewell,  old  year !  If  you  go  west  to  grow  up 
with  the  country,  or  go  south  to  run  a  steamboat, 
we  hope  you'll  be  honest,  seek  respectable  com- 
pany, and  make  your  daily  life  a  striking  example 
for,  and  a  terrible  warning  to,  the  man  who  goes 
around  playing  the  string  game  on  unsuspecting 
people. 

Welcome,  new  year!  Howdy?  If  convenient, 
give  us  some  new  clothes,  a  few  thousand  in  cash, 
and  a  race-horse,  and  prove  by  your  actions  that 
you  mean  to  do  the  right  thing  by  a  fellow.  Give 
us  some  strawberry  weather  this  month,  wollop 
the  pesky  Indians  into  behaving  themselves,  and 
make  it  uncomfortable  for  grasshoppers  and  potato- 
bugs.  Be  around  with  some  decent  weather  when 


48  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

a  fellow  wants  to  go  fishing,  and  let  'er  rain  to 
kill  when  the  women  go  out  to  exhibit  their  new 
bonnets.  Do  the  fair  thing  by  all  of  us,  including 
New  Jersey,  and  we  won't  stand  by  and  see  you 
abused. 


HENRY    W.    SHAW.  49 


HENRY  W.  SHAW. 

"Josh  Billings,"  the  far-famed  writer  of  Yankee 
proverbs,  is  over  sixty  years  of  age,  yet  hale  and 
rather  hearty.  He  was  born  in  western  Massa- 
chusetts, and  after  having  a  hard  time  of  it  in  life, 
working  at  various  times,  in  various  places,  in  var- 
ious states,  at  various  occupations,  he  finally  set- 
tled down  to  the  peace  and  quiet  of  an  author, 
with  an  occasional  lecturing  tour.  This  has  been 
the  life  history  of  Henry  W.  Shaw,  whose  eccen- 
tric mode  of  spelling  has  made  him  famous.  His 
eccentricities  are  not  assumed  and  artificial,  but  a 
part  of  the  man,  and  in  his  daily  conversations  he 
uses  the  same  apt  and  peculiar  similies  that  are 
characteristic  of  his  pen  productions. 

In  1872,  when  asked  by  a  friend  to  give  some 
facts  relative  to  his  life,  Josh  wrote  the  following 
biography,  which  is  very  characteristic  of  the  man : 

"I  was  born  in  Berkshire  county,  Massachu- 
setts, during  the  nineteenth  century,  of  highly 
respectable  parents,  and  owe  what  little  success  I 
have  obtained  to  the  wisdom  of  my  father  and  the 


t;o  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

piety  of  my  mother.  At  the  fragrant  age  of 
fifteen  I  set  my  face  westward  and  followed  it  until 
I  stood  on  the  banks  of  the  wide  Missouri,  with- 
out any  plans  for  life,  and  but  little  better  in  feel- 
ings than  a  cheerful  vagrant.  For  twenty-five 
years  the  various  wanderings  of  a  border  life  made 
me  acquainted  with  scenes  and  experiences  better 
calculated  to  cut  the  character  sharp,  than  to  re- 
fine it,  and  if  I  escaped  without  scars,  it  was 
simply  because  the  susceptibility  of  my  nature 
looked  upon  most  things  in  this  life  as  simply  a 
joke. 

' '  In  common  with  most  all  Americans  who 
have  to  push  early,  to  test  their  own  wings,  I  en- 
gaged in  all  the  usual  enterprises  of  a  frontiers- 
man, having  been  at  times  a  land  hunter,  farmer, 
drover,  steamboat  captain,  auctioneer,  politician, 
and  even  pioneer,  for  I  partially  organized  an  en- 
terprise, as  early  as  1835,  to  cross-  the-  .Rock^ 
mountains.  This  last  named  enterprise  was  a  pro- 
found failure,  but  its  inception  and  preliminary 
arrangements  afforded  me  one  of  the  choicest 
relics  of  my  early  adventures,  and  that  in  three 
letters,  now  in  my  possession,  written  to  me  per- 
sonally by  Henry  Clay,  John  Quincy  Adams,  and 
Martin  Van  Buren,  recommending  me  and  the  un- 
dertaking to  the  kind  care  and  patronage  of  all 
people  and  all  nations. 


HENRY    W.    SHAW.  51 

"  If  I  may  be  said  to  ever  have  commenced  a  lit- 
erary career  it  certainly  was  much  later  in  life  than 
most  men  commit  the  folly,  for  I  had  passed 
forty-five  years  before  I  ever  wrote  a  line  for  the 
publick  eye.  What  little  reputation  I  may  have 
made,  has  been  accomplished  within  the  last  nine 
years,  and  I  consider  that  I  owe  all  this  little  to 
the  kindness  of  the  world  at  large,  who,  while 
they  have  discovered  but  little  wit,  or  even  humor, 
in  what  I  have  written,  have  done  me  the  credit 
to  acknowledge  that  my  productions  have  been 
free  from  malice.  I  pin  all  my  faith,  hope,  and 
charity  upon  this  one  impulse  of  my  nature,  and 
that  is,  if  I  could  have  my  way,  there  would  be  a 
smile  continually  on  the  face  of  every  human  be- 
ing on  God's  footstool,  and  this  smile  should  ever 
and  anon  widen  into  a  broad  grin. 

"  I  have  not  the  inclination  to  go  into  an  extended 
account  of  the  trials  and  failures  that  I  have  met 
with  since  I  first  put  on  the  cap  and  bells,  but  I 
can  assure  you  that  I  would  not  contend  with 
them  again  for  what  little  glory  and  stamps  they 
have  won  for  me.  I  have  written  two  books,  but 
my  pet  is  Josh  Billings'  Farmer's  Almanac,  which 
has  been  issued  for  the  last  three  years,  the  annual 
sale  of  which  has  exceeded  one  hundred  thou- 
sand copies.  This  little  waif  will  soon  make  its 


52  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

appea'rance  for  1873,  and  I  hope  to  make  it  a  wel- 
come guest  for  many  years  to  come. 

' '  My  lectures,  if  they  can  be  called  lectures, 
are  three  in  number,  rejoicing  under  the  very 
familiar  titles  of  Milk,  What  I  Know  About 
Hotels,  and  the  Pensive  Cockroach.  In  this  last 
discourse,  a  large  invoice  of  reptiles,  beasts,  and 
fishes  are  handled,  without  mercy,  commencing 
with  the  dreamy  cockroach  and  touching  lightly 
at  times  the  cunning  of  the  fox,  the  strange  un- 
certainty of  the  flea,  and  the  wondrous  hypocracy 
of  the  cat. 

"  Please  excuse,  my  dear  sirs,  in  this  hasty  sketch 
what  may  appear  not  to  be  true,  for  he  who  writes 
about  himself  is  in  great  danger  of  telling  too 
much,  or  too  little.  My  only  apology  for  this 
monograph  is,  that  it  has  been  written  at  your 
request. 

"Yours  calmly, 

JOSH  BILLINGS." 

Mr.  Shaw  began  writing  for  the  literary  weeklies, 
and  even  now  writes  a  half  column  or  so  of  his 
quaint  paragraphs  for  the  New  York  Weekly. 
His  almanac  and  other  books  have  been  published 
through  the  house  of  George  W.  Carleton,  New 
York,  and  have  had  a  wonderful  sale.  It  is  said 
that  Josh  has  made  at  least  $100,000  by  his  writ- 


HENRY    W.    SHAW.  53 

ings.  It  has  been  stated  that  his  uncouth  manner 
of  spelling  was  adopted,  in  the  first  instance,  quite 
as  much  through  fear  of  his  ability  to  spell  cor- 
rectly, as  through  the  wish  to  be  odd.  He  avoided 
criticism  by  intentional-  and  habitual  misspelling. 
He  is  by  nature  a  philosopher,  and  the  experiences 
of  his  whole  life  are  classified  in  his  mind,  as  illus- 
trations of  this  or  that  quality  of  human  nature. 
Soon  after  he  became  famous  in  the  walks  of 
literature,  Shaw  entered  the  lecture  field.  He  be- 
came at  once  very  popular,  and  drew  large  and 
cultured  audiences  in  the  East  and  West.  His 
last  lecturing  tour  of  any  length  proved  very 
profitable  to  him.  He  lectured  on  The  Probabil- 
ities of  Life,  which  was  divided,  as  he  says,  into 
twenty-four  chapters.  The  hand-bills  announcing 
this  lecture  read  as  follows  : 

"Josh  Billings  will  deliver  his  new,  and  as  he 
calls  it,  serio-comic  lecture,  on  'The  Probabilities 
of  Life*  (perhaps  rain,  perhaps  not).  Divided 
into  twenty-four  cantos,  as  follows :  A  Genial 
Overture  of  Remarks  ;  the  Long  Branch  Letter  ; 
Human  Happiness  as  an  Alternative ;  the  Live 
Man,  a  Busy  Disciple  ;  a  Second  Wife,  a  Good 
Risk  to  Take  ;  the  Poodle  with  Azure  Eyes  ;  the 
Handsome  Man,  a  Failure ;  Short  Sentences,  Sharp 
at  Both  Ends  ;  the  Fastidious  Person,  Fuss  and 
Feathers  ;  Patience,  Slow  Poison  ;  What  I  Know 


54  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

about  Hotels,  a  Sad  History  ;  the  Flea,  a  Brisk 
Package ;  the  Domestic  Man,  a  Necessary  Evil  ; 
Answers  to  Correspondents  ;  Jonah  and  his  Whale ; 
Marriage,  a  Draw  Game;  Mary  Ann,  a  Modest 
Maiden  ;  the  Mother-in-law,  one  of  the  Luxuries  ; 
Proverbs,  Truth  on  the  Half  Shell ;  the  Mouse,  a 
Household  Hord  ;  the  Life  Insurance  Agent ;  the 
Caterpillar,  a  Slow  Bug ;  the  First  Baby,  too 
Sweet  for  Anything ;  Sayings  of  a  promiscuous 
nature.  And  much  other  things." 

Shaw's  advertising  dodges  have  all  been  of  a 
funny  and  striking  character.  The  following  lines 
appeared  on  a  postal  card  that  was  sent  broadcast 
during  the  winter  of  1877  : 

'  Josh  Billings  and  the  Young  Man.  Young 
man,  don't  kry  for  spilt  milk,  but  pik  up  yure  pail 
and  milking  stool,  and  go  for  the  next  cow. 
Yures  affekshionately,  Josh  Billings.  For  sale  or 
To  Let.  Price  Neat,  But  Not  Gaudy.  Contem- 
plating a  trip  to  California  during  the  winter  of 
1877,  I  will  read  my  old  and  venerable  lecture, 
'  MILK,'  before  any  association  who  may  desire 
to  hear  it.  The  '  Milk  '  in  this  lecture  is  con- 
densed, and  will  keep  sweet  in  any  climate. 
"  Your  cheerful  friend, 

JOSH  BILLINGS." 

Josh  is  getting  old,  and  each  succeeding  year 
his  literary  productions  are  fewer  and  shorter. 


HENRY    W.    SHAW.  55 

Out  of  the  fortune  he  has  made  by  his  pen,  only 
$50,000  is  retained  in  his  possession.  He  is  an 
odd-looking  genius,  tall,  stoop-shouldered,  with  a 
large  head,  massive  face,  deep-set  eyes,  and  grizzly 
beard.  His  hair,  which  was  formerly  brown,  is 
now  an  iron  gray,  and  his  stiff,  drooping  mous- 
tache is  fast  changing  to  the  same  color.  He 
parts  his  hair  in  the  middle,  combs  it  smoothly 
behind  his  ears,  allowing  it  to  fall  loosely  on  his 
neck  like  the  locks  of  a  school-girl. 

A  newspaper  writer,  in  speaking  of  Josh  not 
long  since,  said  :  "  As  he  grows  older,  he  seems 
to  become  more  and  more  supremely  regardless 
of  persons,  surroundings,  or  opinions.  As  he 
greets  one  with  the  machine  like  '  How  do  ye  do,' 
or  an  inanimate  '  Good  day, '  the  impression  is 
conveyed  that  he  has  arrived  at  the  state  of  life 
and  prosperity  where  he  deems  fate  powerless  to 
work  any  alteration  for  the  worse.  Billings  is 
essentially  a  man  to  himself,  taciturn  and  unob- 
trusive everywhere.  He  is  now  a  willing  but  unat- 
tractive lecturer.  He  and  his  wife  pass  a  quiet, 
relegated,  but  doubtless  contented  life,  in  an 
unpretentious  dwelling  in  Sixty-third  street,  New 
York  city,  the  garret  of  which  is  made  to  answer 
the  combined  purpose  of  literary  sanctum  and 
storehouse." 

Shaw  has  written  many  witty  things  besides  his 


5 6  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

quaint    "Proverbs,"    which    made    him    famous. 
The  following  is  an  example  : 

THE  HEIGHT  OF  SUBLIMITY. 

AN  ADVERTISEMENT  BY  JOSH  BILLINGS. 

I  kan  sell  for  eighteen  hundred  and  thirty-nine 
dollars,  a  pallas,  a  sweet  and  pensive  retirement, 
located  on  the  virgin  banks  of  the  Hudson,  kon- 
taining  85  acres.  The  land  is  luxuriously  divided 
by  the  hand  of  riatur  and  art,  into  pastor  and  til- 
lage, into  plain  and  deklivity,  into  stern  abrupt- 
ness and  the  dallianse  ov  moss-tufted  medder; 
streams  of  sparkling  gladness  (thick  with  trout) 
danse  through  this  wilderness  of  buty,  tow  the  low 
musik  of  the  kricket  and  grasshopper.  The  ever- 
green sighs  az  the  evening  zephir  flits  through  its 
shadowy  buzzum,  and  the  aspen  trembles  like  the 
love-smitten  hart  of  a  damsell.  Fruits  of  the 
tropicks,  in  golden  buty,  melt  on  the  bows,  and 
the  bees  go  heavy  and  sweet  from  the  fields  to 
their  garnering  hives.  The  stables  are  worthy  of 
the  steeds  of  Nimrod  or  the  studs  of  Akilles,  and 
its  henery  was  bilt  expressly  for  the  birds  of  para- 
dice  ;  while  somber  in  the  distance,  like  the  cave 
of  a  hermit,  glimpses  are  caught  ov  the  dog-hotrse. 
Here  poets  have  come  and  warbled  their  laze,  here 
sculpters  have  cut,  here  painters  hav  robbed  the 
scene  of  dreamy  landskapes,  and  here  the  philoso- 
pher diskovered  the  stun  which  made  him  the 


HENRY    W.    SHAW.  57 

alkimistov  natur.  As  the  young  moon  hangs  like 
a  curting  ov  silver  from  the  blue  breast  of  the  ski, 
an  angel  may  be  seen  each  night  dansing  with 
golden  tip-toes  on  the  grass.  (N.  B. — The  angel 
goes  with  the  place.) 

To  show  what  Josh's  Proverbs  are  like,  I  annex 
a  few  as  a  finale  to  this  sketch : 
PROVERBS. 

Thare  haz  been  menny  a  hero  born,  lived  and 
died  unknown,  just  for  the  want  ov  an  opportunity. 

T.hare  ain't  nothing  that  will  sho  the  virtues 
and  vices  of  a  man  in  so  vivid  a  light  as  profuse 
prosperity. 

It  is  a  good  deal  ov  a  bore  to  have  others  luv 
us  more  than  we  luv  them. 

Mi  dear  boy,  allwuss  keep  sumthing  in  re- 
serve. The  man  who  can  jump  six  inches  further 
than  he  ever  haz  jumpt,  iz  a  hard  customer  to  beat. 

Thare  ain't  nothing  on  arth  that  will  take  the 
starch  so  klean  out  ov  us,  as  to  git  kaught  bi  the 
phellow  we  are  trying  to  ketch. 


58  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 


JAY  CHARLTON  GOLDSMITH. 

Thirty-eight  or  forty  years  ago,  Jay  Charlton 
Goldsmith,  of  the  New  York  Herald,  was  ushered 
into  the  world  with  little  if  any  ceremony. 
He  was  born  in  a  small  village  in  eastern  New 
York,  not  far  from  the  great  metropolis.  Like 
other  dutiful  sons,  Jay  pleased  his  parents  by  at- 
tending school  until  he  was  thirteen  years  of  age. 
He  then  entered  a  lawyer's  office  and  mingled 
with  his  legal  learning  the  study  of  phonography. 
About  this  time  he  began  acting  as  correspond- 
ent for  the  Herald  from  the  rural  district  wherein 
he  lived.  At  the  age  of  sixteen  he  was  one  of 
the  editors  of  the  Register,  a  small  evening  paper 
published  at  Patterson,  New  Jersey. 

The  health  of  the  young  man,  however,  for- 
bade his  steady  working  in  a  newspaper  office, 
and  a  year  later  he  was  compelled  to  relinquish 
his  position.  He  immediately  began  preparations 
for  a  journey  abroad,  his  intention  being  to  travel 
two  years  on  the  continent.  He  changed  his 
mind  at  the  last  moment  and  went  to  California, 


JAY  CHARLTON  GOLDSMITH.          59 

and  from  there  to  the  Sandwich  Islands.  During 
these  travels  he  penned  very  creditable  and  quite 
readable  letters  to  the  Herald.  He  also  wrote 
occasionally  for  other  journals.  On  his  return, 
after  an  absence  of  a  year,  he  accepted'  an  edi- 
torial position  in  the  office  of  the  Republican,  at 
Savannah,  Georgia.  His  health  again  failing  him, 
he  was  driven  from  the  South  by  the  climate. 

In  1867  he  returned  to  New  York  city,  where 
he  became  a  reporter  and  occasional  editorial 
writer  for  the  Tribune.  When  Oakey  Hall  became 
mayor  of  New  York,  Goldsmith,  who  was  a  warm 
personal  friend,  became  his  private  secretary.  He 
retained  this  office  for  four  years.  Early  in  1873 
he  succeeded  Mr.  E.  G.  Squier  as  editor  of  Frank 
Leslie's  Illustrated  Newspaper.  While  editing 
this  journal  he  wrote  many  critical,  terse  articles, 
which  attracted  general  attention.  His  health 
again  failing,  he  made  a  second  visit  to  the  Pacific 
coast  two  years  later.  About  this  time  Goldsmith 
commenced  writing  to  the  Danbury  News,  a  series 
of  letters  signed  by  "Jay  Charlton,"  which  became 
a  feature  of  that  famous  publication. 

Five  or  six  years  later,  finding  himself  greatly 
improved  in  health,  he  again  accepted  a  situation 
on  the  New  York  Herald,  and  has  retained  it 
ever  since.  One  of  his  duties  was  to  write  the 
Personal  Intelligence  column.  He  determined  to 


6O  FAMOUS   FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

make  it  spicy,  and  wrote  short  items  that  could 
be  read  between  bites  at  the  breakfast  table.  The 
name  of  the  "P.  I  Man,"  by  which  Goldsmith  is 
so  widely  known,  was  probably  derived  from  this 
fact 

He  is  said  to  be  the  editor  of  the  Weekly  Her- 
ald, and  adds  much  to  the  character  and  worth  of 
that  popular  edition  of  Bennett's  famous  news- 
paper. Goldsmith  is  an  odd  looking,  but  not 
unhandsome  genius.  He  wears  his  black  hair 
long  and  it  hangs  down  upon  his  neck  and  fore- 
head in  profusion.  He  possesses  a  poetic  face, 
which  is  adorned  with  heavy  side-whiskers. 

Jay  Charlton's  Hints  to  Farmers  is  one  of  his 
best  efforts.  It  shows  what  horrible  puns  he 
is  capable  of: 

HINTS  TO  FARMERS. 

Early  Rose  potatoes  should  be  planted  early. 
It  is  not  called  Early  because  it  grows  on  rose 
bushes,  but  because  it  gets  up  at  five  o'clock  in 
the  morning.  Do  not  make  the  mistake  of  peeling 
these  potatoes  before  planting.  The  potato  is  to 
be  eaten  whole.  Mashed  potatoes  should  be  sown 
broadcast. 

The  string  bean  is  the  best  bean  for  growing  on 
strings.  One  string  will  do  for  ten  beans.  Some 
of  the  high  strung  beans  need  poles.  These  may  be 
pulled  up  and  taken  on  fishing  excursions,  and  be 


JAY    CHARLTON    GOLDSMITH.  6 1 

returned  with  the  line  attached.  The  best  strings 
for  these  beans  are  B  strings. 

The  Champion  of  England  peas  were  named 
after  Tom  Sayers,  the  great  prize  fighter.  These 
peas  do  not  need  any  pods  on  them.  We  have 
planted  them  for  many  years  without  pods  on 
them.  One  great  advantage  of  the  Champion  of 
England  peas  is  that  they  spar  for  themselves. 
Tom  Sayers  got  away  with  two  quarts  of  them 
once,  but  he  trusted  too  much  to  his  own  ability. 
You  cannot  handle  the  Champion  of  England  with- 
out gloves.  In  selecting  ground  for  them  it  is 
best  to  have  the  sun  in  their  eyes.  They  can  stand 
a  good  deal  of  rough  weather,  but  have  been 
known  to  yield  to  a  knock-down  blow.  Peas 
should  never  be  eaten  with  a  knife,  because  they 
roll  off.  It  is  best  to  pour  them  into  a  funnel. 

Oats  should  not  be  planted  wild.  Still  we  have 
known  oats  sown  wild  to  produce  a  larger  crop 
than  the  tame  oats.  Many  of  them  are  sown  by 
moonlight  and  some  by  gas-light,  but  it  is  some- 
times worse  for  the  man  who  raises  them  than  for 
the  oats  themselves.  The  best  place  to  sow  oats 
is  in  doors  by  a  nice  fire,  and  with  a  little  sprink- 
ling of  cold  water.  Whiskey  is  a  destroyer  of  the 
crop,  and  although  very  good  for  harrowing  in, 
induces  a  growth  of  weeds.  In  Scotland  the  oats, 
are  fed  to  men,  and  in  England  to  horses ;  so  that 


62  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

a  famous  Scotchman  said  that  nowhere  could  such 
horses  be  found  in  the  world  as  in  England,  and 
nowhere  such  men  as  in  Scotland.  This  is  the 
reason  why,  on  the  borders,  inns  are  sometimes 
called  oatells.  Oats  are  very  heating,  and  many 
a  Scotchman  who  eats  them  is  compelled  to  come 
up  to  the  scratch.  Thus  arises  also  that  famous 
expression  "hot  Scotch,"  which  refers  to  a  High- 
lander who  has  had  too  many  oats.  They  warm 
him  up. 

Do  not  fail  to  raise  sheep.  The  proportion 
should  be  three  dogs  to  one  sheep.  They  will 
make  it  lively  for  the  sheep.  When  you  go  wool- 
gathering take  your  dinner  with  you,  for  you  may 
get  lost.  Lambs  are  best  cooked  a  lamb  mode. 
Chinamen  eat  rice  with  mutton.  Hence  their 
knives  and  forks  are  called  chop  sticks.  Thus 
a  Chinaman  will  say,  "Lamby  hard  to  bleat." 
Lambs  are  best  when  they  begin  to  gamble — you 
bet — on  the  green.  It  is  funny,  but  Lamb's  finest 
work  was  on  pigs.  Yet,  vice  versa,  we  have  seen 
pigs  getting  in  their  best  work  on  lamb  and  peas. 


WILLIAM    TAPPAN    THOMPSON.  63 


WILLIAM  TAPPAN  THOMPSON. 

The  subject  of  this  sketch,  although  one  of  the 
oldest  of  American  humorists,  is  comparatively 
unknown  at  the  present  time.  William  Tappan 
Thompson  was  born  in  the  village  of  Ravenna, 
Portage  county,  Ohio,  on  the  3ist  day  of  August, 
1812.  He  came  from  a  good  family,  his  father 
being  a  native  of  Virginia,  and  his  mother  the 
daughter  of  an  Irish  exile.  At  the  age  of  twelve 
years  young  Thompson'  was  an  orphan,  and  was 
thrown  upon  his  own  resources  in  the  city  of 
Philadelphia.  He  entered  the  office  of  the  Phila- 
delphia Chronicle,  where  he  remained  for  two  years 
working  as  a  printer's  apprentice. 

At  the  age  of  eighteen  he  left  his  newly  found 
occupation  and  went  to  Florida  with  Acting-Gov- 
ernor Wescott  as  his  private  secretary.  About 
the  same  time  he  began  the  study  of  law.  In 
1835,  ne  was  at  work  again  as  a  printer,  in  the 
office  of  the  Sentinel  at  Augusta,  Georgia.  Later 
on  in  the  same  year  he  became  a  volunteer  with 


64  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

the  Richmond  Blues  and  served  for  nearly  two 
years  in  the  Seminole  war. 

Late  in  the  autumn  of  1836  Mr.  Thompson 
issued  the  first  number  of  the  Augusta  Mirror, 
but  it  proved  a  dismal  failure.  It  was  during  the 
Mirror  trouble  that  the  young  editor  became  the 
duly  wedded  husband  of  a  daughter  of  Joseph 
Carrie,  a  well-to-do  merchant  of  Barnwell,  South 
Carolina,  and  Augusta,  Georgia.  After  the  death 
of  the  Mirror,  Mr.  Thompson  took  editorial  charge 
of  the  Madison  Miscellany,  and  it  was  his  writings 
for  this  journal  that  in  after  years  made  him  famous 
as  a  humorist. 

During  his  idle  moments  Mr.  Thompson  began 
a  series  of  letters  from  "  Major  Joseph  Jones  of 
Pirieville."  These  were  begun  in  1842,  and  became 
very  popular — so  much  so,  in  fact,  that  before  a 
year  had  elapsed  after  their  first  appearance,  the)' 
were  collected  in  a  volume  and  published  under 
the  title  of  Major  Jones'  Courtship.  In  the  pref- 
ace of  the  book  the  author  dedicated  the  work  to 
his  old  commander  in  the  Seminole  war,  General 
Duncan  L.  Clinch. 

Edition  after  edition  of  the  book  was  issued, 
and  it  was  known  in  every  city  and  town  on  this 
side  of  the  Atlantic.  Later,  it  was  reprinted  in 
London,  where  it  had  an  enormous  run  for  several 
years.  A  recent  writer  in  a  New  Haven  paper 


WILLIAM    TAPPAN    THOMPSON.  65 

says  of  Major  Jones'  Courtship:  "Its  style  is 
rollicking  without  grossness ;  piquant,  yet  devoid 
of  all  exaggeration.  Re-reading  these  letters  to- 
day, the  freshness  and  vigor,  which  so  charmed 
my  youthful  fancy  for  the  grotesque  in  home  life, 
are  reflected  from  every  page  " 

The  preface  of  the .  book  was  written  April  10, 
1843,  and  among  other  things  contains  the  follow- 
ing: "It's  a  great  deal  easier  to  write  a  heap  of 
nonsense  than  it  is  to  put  a  good  face  on  it  after 
its  rit — and  I  don't  know  when  I've  had  a  job  that 
puzzled  me  so  much  how  to  begin  it.  I've  looked 
over  a  whole  heap  of  books  to  see  how  other 
writers  done,  but  they  all  seemed  to  be  about  the 
same  thing.  They  all  feel  a  monstrous  dasire  to* 
benefit  the  public  one  way  or  other;  some  is  anx- 
ious to  tell  all  they  know  about  certain  matters, 
just  for  the  good  of  the  public,  some  has  been 
swaded  by  friends  to  give  the  book  to  the  public, 
and  others  have  been  induced  to  publish  their 
ritens  just  for  the  benefit  of  future  generations, — 
but  not  one  of  'em  ever  had  an  idea  to  make  a 
cent  for  themselves  !  Now,  none  of  these  excuses 
don't  zactly  meet  my  case.  I  don't  spose  the 
public — cept  it  is  them  as  is  courtin — will  be  much 
benefited  by  readin  my  letters — I'm  sure  Mr. 
Thompson  wouldn't  went  to  all  the  expense  just 
to  please  his  friends,  and  for  my  part  I'm  perfectly 


66  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

willin  to  let  posterity  write  their  own  books.  So 
I  don't  see  any  other  way  than  to  jest  come  rite 
out  with  the  naked  truth— and  that  is,  that  my 
book  was  made  fust  a  purpose  to  sell  and  make 
money.  Ther  ain't  a  single  lie  in  the  book,  and 
I'm  termined  ther  sha'n't  be  none  in  the  preface. 

"I  hain't  got  no  very  grate  opinion  of  myself, 
but  I've  always  tried  to  live  honest,  and  what  little 
character  I  is  got  I  want  to  keep.  When  Mr. 
Thompson  just  writ  me  word,  he  was  gwine  to 
put  my  letters  in  a  book,  I  felt  sort  o'  skeered, 
for  fear  them  bominable  criticks  might  take  hold 
of  it,  and  tare  it  all  to  flinders — as  they  always 
nabs  a'most  every  thing  that's  got  a  kiver  on  ;  but, 
when  •!  come  to  think,  there  were  two  ways  of 
gettin  into  the  field — under  and  over  the  fence. 
Well,  the  criticks  is  like  a  pretty  considerable  high 
fence  round  the  public  taste;  and  books  get  into 
the  world  of  letters  jest  as  a  boy  does  in  a 
pertater  patch — some  over,  and  some  under. 
Now  and  then  one  gets  hung,  and  the  way  it  gets 
peppered  is  distressin — but  them  that  gets  in  under 
the  fence  is  jest  as  safe  as  them  that  gits  in  over. 
Seein  as  I  is  perfectly  satisfied  with  the  under 
route,  I  don't  think  the  criticks  will  tackle  my 
book — if  they  does,  all  I  can  say  is,  I  give  'em 
joy  with  their  small  potaters. " 

After   the  success  of  Major  Jones'    Courtship, 


WILLIAM    TAPPAN    THOMPSON.  67 

Mr.  Thompson  issued  other  works  from  time  to 
time.  Major  Jones'  Sketches  of  Travel  appeared 
a  few  years  later,  and  was  followed  by  The 
Chronicles  of  Pineville.  Mr.  Thompson  also 
wrote  a  farce  entitled,  The  Live  Indian,  and  a  dram- 
atization of  The  Vicar  of  Wakefield.  Messrs. 
Carey  &  Hart,  of  Philadelphia,  bought  the  copy- 
right of  Major  Jones'  Courtship  in  1848,  for  the 
paltry  sum  of  $250.  In  1856  Mr.  Thompson  pre- 
pared for  the  press,  Hotchkiss'  Codification  of  the 
Statute  Laws  of  Georgia,  and  in  1858  became  con- 
nected with  the  Western  Continent,  a  weekly 
illustrated  paper  published  in  Baltimore. 

Two  years  later  he  sold  his  interest  in  the  West- 
ern Continent,  and  went  to  Savannah,  where,  in 
company  with  John  M.  Cooper,  he  issued  the 
Savannah  Morning  News,  which  is  now  valuable 
newspaper  property.  During  the  Rebellion  Mr. 
Thompson  was  appointed  aid  to  Governor  Brown, 
which  position  he  held  until  the  fall  of  Savannah. 
In  1877  he  was  a  member  of  the  Georgia  Constitu- 
tional convention,  which  is  the  full  extent  of  his 
political  career.  For  the  past  thirty  years  he  has 
been  the  editor  of  the  Morning  News,  and  has  been 
one  of  the  leading  citizens  of  Savannah.  His 
work  at  present  is  the  superintendency  and  the 
occasional  writing  of  editorials  for  his  newspaper. 


68  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

It  is  many  years  since  he  gave  to  the  world  a  speci- 
men of  his  old-time  humor. 

Since  writing  the  above,  I  have  been  pained  to 
learn  of  the  sudden  death  of  Mr.  Thompson,  at 
his  home  in  Savannah,  on  the  24th  day  of  March, 
1882.  His  death  revives  the  subject  of  his  works, 
and  his  several  books  are  to  be  republished  in 
Philadelphia  at  an  early  date. 


MELVILLE    D.    LANDON. 


MELVILLE  D.  LANDON. 

Eli  Perkins  is  a  name  well  known  to  Americans. 
In  fact  he  is  so  well  known  that  sundry  news- 
paper writers,  who  should  feel  heartily  ashamed 
of  themselves  for  so  doing,  have  classed  Eli  Per- 
kins with  Gath,  Private  Dalzell,  George  Francis 
Train,  and  other  equally  noted  characters.  The 
same  sundry  newspaper  writers  have  stated  at 
various  times  that  Eli  Perkins  was  the  greatest  liar 
in  all  America.  This  is  a  base  falsehood,  and  an 
attack  upon  the  name  of  a  honorable  gentleman. 
A  liar,  indeed  !  If  the  humorists  of  America  are 
to  be  thus  defiled  simply  because  they  exaggerate 
good  stories,  solely  for  the  purpose  of  displaying 
their  wit,  why  the  occupation  of  humorist  is 
valueless. 

Melville  D.  Landon,  better  known  as  Eli  Per- 
kins, is  not  only  a  humorist,  but  is  author,  lectur- 
er, and  journalist  as  well.  He  was  born  in  Eaton, 
Madison  county,  New  York,  in  the  year  1840. 
His  freshman  year  was  passed  at  Madison  univer- 
sity, and  in  1861  he  graduated  from  Union  col- 


70  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

lege  under  Dr.  Nott,  and  two  years  later  he  re- 
ceived the  honorary  degree  of  Master  of  Arts. 
He  entered  journalism  soon  after  this,  and  after 
several  years  of  hard  work  he  went  to  Europe 
and  Asia,  returning  in  1868. 

Eli  Perkins  was  by  nature  a  humorist,  yet  he 
devoted  himself  at  first  entirely  to  serious  writings. 
In  1871  he  issued  his  first  book  from  the  press  of 
George  W.  Carleton,  New  York.  It  was  a  large 
volume  of  over  six  hundred  pages,  and  was  a  de- 
tailed history  of  the  Franco-Prussian  war.  It  was 
a  book  solemn  as  the  grave,  yet  full  of  thrilling 
description.  It  commanded  a  large  and  ready 
sale. 

An  old  friend  tells  the  following  interesting  anec- 
dote of  Mr.  Landon  at  this  time:  "In  1872,  at 
the  age  of  thirty-three,  a  great  change  came  over 
Mr.  Landon.  It  was  then  for  the  first  time  that 
he  unchecked  his  pen,  and  allowed  fun  and  humor 
to  creep  unobstructed  into  his  writings.  The 
'occasion  was  a  series  of  letters  written  from  Sara- 
toga, since  republished  in  Saratoga  in  1901. 
These  letters  were  written  for  the  New  York  Com- 
mercial Advertiser,  at  the  instance  of  Hugh  J. 
Hastings,  a  veteran,  fun-loving  journalist  The 
Commercial  was  then  almost  a  dead  newspaper. 
It  was  never  seen  on  the  news-stands,  and  was 
only  taken  in  a  few  old  families,  who  still  stuck  to 


MELVILLE    D.    LANDON.  /I 

the  paper  because  of  its  antiquity,  it  having  been 
established  in  1794. 

"Perkins  appeared  one  day  at  the  leading  news- 
stand in  Saratoga,  and  marching  up  with  great 
pride,  informed  the  newsman  that  he  was  going 
to  write  for  the  Commercial. 

'"For  the  Co —  what?"  asked  the  man. 

" '  For  the  Co-mercial — the  Commercial  Adver- 
tiser." 

" '  Never  heard  of  it,  sir, "  replied  the  newsman. 

" '  Well,  I  am  going  to  write  for  it,  and  I  want 
you  to  order  it." 

"  'No  use,  can't  sell  it  sir,  and ' 

'"But  I'll  buy  it — buy  all  you  have  left,"  expos- 
tulated Eli. 

"  'All  right,'  said  the  newsman,  'then  I'll  order 
five  copies.' 

"Every  day  after  that  these  letters  were  pub- 
lished in  the  Commercial  under  the  signature  of 
Eli  Perkins.  They  set  Saratoga  on  fire.  The 
demand  for  them  was  immense.  On  the  street 
cars  in  New  York,  and  on  the  balconies  in  Sara- 
toga, people  were  reading  the  letters  and  asking 
'Who  is  Eli  Perkins?'  In  four  weeks  after  the 
humorist  commenced  writing  six  hundred  copies 
of  the  Commercial  were  sold  in  Saratoga  alone. 

"In  a  word,  the  articles  made  Eli  Perkins  famous. 
They  were  widely  read  and  copied,  and  many  of 


72  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

them  were  reproduced  in  France  and  Spain.  Per- 
kins and  Mark  Twain  were  the  only  humorists  at 
that  time  since  the  death  of  Artemus  Ward,  and  it 
was  no  wonder  that  there  was  a  demand  for  their 
writings." 

A  few  years  later  the  Saratoga  letters  were 
gathered  together,  illustrated  by  Arthur  Lumley, 
and  republished  in  a  large  volume  by  Sheldon  & 
Co.,  of  New  York.  Still  later  Mr.  Landon  issued 
another  book — a  volume  of  humorous  sketches — 
entitled  Eli  Perkins  at  Large.  This  production 
had,  and  yet  has,  an  immense  sale.  In  1872,  he 
entered  the  lecture  field,  and  for  eight  or  ten  years 
he  has  convulsed  hundreds  of  audiences  in  every 
part  of  'the  country,  North,  East,  South,  and 
West.  He  has  also  kept  up  his  literary  work, 
and  has  been  corresponding  regularly  for  the  Chi- 
cago Tribune.  His  letters  to  this  well  known 
journal  have  been  widely  copied  and  are  noted  for 
their  sparkling  wit  and  rollicking  humor. 

Eli  produced  something  intensely  funny  when 
he  wrote 

ELI    PERKINS   ON    AMERICAN    BULLS. 

Punctuation  makes  a  great  many  bulls  in  this 
country.  The  other  day  I  picked  up  a  newspaper 
in  Wisconsin  full  of  curious  things.  I  enclose  a 
few  specimens: 

"The  procession  at  Judge  Orton's  funeral  was 


MELVILLE    D.    LANDON.  73 

very  fine  and  nearly  two  miles  in  length  as  was  the 
beautiful  prayer  of  the  Rev.  Dr.  Swing  from  Chi- 
cago." 

Another: 

"A  cow  was  struck  by  lightning  on  Saturday 
belonging  to  Dr.  Hammond  who  had  a  beautiful 
spotted  calf  only  four  days  old." 

A  distressing  accident  is  thus  chronicled : 

"A  sad  accident  happened  to  the  family  of 
John  Elderkin  on  Main  street,  yesterday.  One  of 
his  children  was  run  over  by  a  market  wagon  three 
years  old  with  sore  eyes  and  pantalets  on  that 
never  spoke  afterwards." 

The  next  morning  after  lecturing  at  Jonesville, 
I  saw  this  paragraph : 

' '  George  Peck,  an  intemperate  editor  from  Mil- 
waukee fell  over  the  gallery  last  night  while  Eli 
Perkins  was  lecturing  in  a  beastly  state  of  intoxi- 
cation. 

"The  coroner's  jury  brought  in  a  verdict  that 
Mr.  Peck  came  to  his  death  by  remaining  too  long 
in  a  cramped  position  while  listening  to  Mr.  Per- 
kins' lecture  which  produced  apoplexy  on  the 
minds  of  the  jury." 


74          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 


CHARLES  POLLEN  ADAMS. 

Some  years  ago,  a  poem  in  broken  German 
verse,  overflowing  with  the  richest  of  humor,  ap- 
peared in  a  Boston  paper.  It  was  entitled  Leedle 
Yawcob  Strauss,  and  commanded  general  atten- 
tion immediately  upon  its  publication.  It  was 
copied  widely  and  was  sent  on  its  way  across  the 
ocean,  delighting  hundreds  on  the  other  side  of  the 
Atlantic.  The  poem  ran  thus  : 

"  I  haf  von  funny  leedle  poy, 

Vot  gomes  schust  to  my  knee; 
Der  queerest  schap,  der  Greatest  roke 

As  efer  you  did  see  ; 
He  runs,  and  schumps,  und  schmashes  dings 

In  all  barts  off  der  house — 
But  vot  off  dot?     He  vas  mine  son, 

Mine  leedle  Yawcob  Strauss. 

"  He  gets  der  measles  und  der  mumbs, 

Und  eferyding  dot's  out  ; 
He  sbills  mine  glass  of  lager  pier, 

Foots  schnuff  into  mine  kraut  ; 
He  fills  mine  pipe  -mil  Limburg  cheese — 

Dot  vas  der  roughest  chouse  ; 
I'd  take  dot  vrom  no  oder  poy 

But  leedle  Yawcob  Strauss. 


CHARLES  FOLLEN  ADAMS.  75 

"  He  dakes  der  milk  ban  for  a  dhrum, 

Und  cuts  mine  cane  in  dwo, 
To  make  der  shtick  to  beat  it  mit — 

Mine  cracious,  dot  vas  drue  ! 
I  dinks  mine  head  vas  schplit  about 

He  kicks  up  such  a  touse? 
But  nefer  mind,  der  poys  vas  few 

Like  dot  young  Yaw  cob  Strauss. 

"  He  asks  me  questions  sooch  as  dese  : 

Who  baints  mine  nose  so  red  t 
Who  vas  it  cuts  dot  schmoodt  blace  oudt 

Vrom  the  hair  ubpon  mine  hed  ? 
Und  vhere  der  plaze  goes  vrom  der  lamp 

Vene'er  der  glim  I  douse  ? 
How  gan  I  all  dese  dings  eggsplain 

To  dot  schmall  Yawcob  Strauss  ? 

"  I  somedimes  dink  I  schall  go  vild 

Mit  sooch  a  grazy  poy, 
Und  vish  vonce  more  I  gould  haf  rest 

Und  beaceful  dimes  enshoy  ; 
But  ven  he  vas  ashleep  in  ped, 

So  quiet  as  a  mouse, 
I  prays  der  Lord,  '  Dake  anydings, 

But  leaf  dot  Yawcob  Strauss. '  " 

When  in  later  years  another  poem,  "  Dot  Leedle 
Loweeza,"  a  companion  piece  to  "Leedle  Yawcob 
Strauss,"  appeared,  the  fame  of  the  author, 
Charles  Pollen  Adams,  rose  still  higher.  "Dot 
Leedle  Loweeza  "  was  equally  as  good  as  its  pred- 
ecessor, and  concluded  as  follows  : 

"  Vhen  winter  vas  come,  midst  its  coldt,  shtormy  veddher, 

Katrina  und  I  musd  sit  in  der  house 
Und  dalk  of  der  bast,  by  der  fireside  togedder, 

Or  blay  mit  dat  laughter  of  our  Yawcob  Strauss. 
Oldt  age,  mit  its  wrinkles,  pegins  to  remind  us 


76          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

Ve  gannot  shtay  long  mit  our  children  to  dwell ; 

Budt  soon  ve  shall  meet,  mit  der  poys  left  behind  us, 

Und  dot  shweet  Loweeza,  dot  lofe  us  so  well." 

There  are  many  other  poems  that  have  been 
written  by  Mr.  Adams  in  a  manner  similar  to  his 
first  two  efforts,  which  have  attracted  general  at- 
tention. Charles  Follen  Adams  does  not  follow 
the  occupation  of  a  journalist  or  literary  man, 
but  is  a  well  known  merchant  of  Boston. 
He  is  a  genuine  Yankee,  and  his  parents  come 
of  good  old  Puritan  stock.  From  his  mother's 
side,  he  is  a  direct  descendant  from  Hannah  Dus- 
tan,  famous  in  the  history  of  the  Deerfield  mas- 
sacre. He  is  a  man  of  middle  age  and  of  small 
stature.  A  friend  thus  describes  him  :  "  He  is  a 
dapper  little  gentleman,  neat  and  natty  in  his  per- 
sonnel, just  as  though  he  had  stepped  from  a  band 
box,  a  shrewd,  sharp,  yet  kindly  face,  a  keen,  but 
bright  and  laughing  eye,  which  tells  of  a  fine 
sense  of  humor,  a  close  shaven  face,  with  the 
exception  of  a  'bald  browed  mustache,'  which 
gives  a  manly  tone  to  the  well  shaped  mouth  and 
rounded  chin,  of  medium  and  slender  physique, 
he  steps  off  with  a  nervy,  springy  walk,  and  a 
sunny  smile  or  a  genial  word  for  his  many  friends 
and  acquaintances  as  he  passes  them  on  the  way." 

Mr.  Adams  lives  happily  with  his  family  at  No. 
36  Rutland  square,  where  he  spends  his  leisure 
moments  in  writing  for  the  press.  He  contributes 


CHARLES  FOLLEN  ADAMS.  77 

regularly  a  column  of  bright,  witty  paragraphs  in 
the  Cambridge  Tribune,  and  occasionally  writes 
for  the  Detroit  Free  Press,  and  other  publications. 
Once  in  a  great  while  he  drops  into  poetry  for  the 
magazines. 

A  collection  of  his  poems  was  published  in 
book  form  by  a  Boston  house,  a  year  or  two  ago, 
under  the  title  of  "Leedle  Yawcob  Strauss  and 
Other  Poems."  The  volume  had  an  immense  sale 
and  is  still  very  popular.  Mr.  Adams  is  engaged 
in  the  mercantile  business  on  Hanover  street,  and 
will  probably  remain  so  connected  with  the  busi- 
ness world  for  many  years. 

Mr.  Adams  does  not  confine  his  writings  wholly 
to  the  German  dialect.  In  a  recent  number  of 
The  Century  he  contributes  some  verses  which 
he  is  pleased  to  call  Prevalent  Poetry. 

"  A  wandering  tribe  called  the  Sioux 
Wear  moccasins,  having  no  shioux. 
They  are  made  of  buckskin 
With  the  fleshy  side  in, 
Embroidered  with  beads  of  bright  hyioux. 

"  When  out  on  the  war  path,  the  Sioux 
March  single  file — never  by  tioux — 

And  by  blazing  the  trees 

Can  return  at  their  ease 
And  their  way  through  the  forest  ne'er  lioux." 

After  two  more  verses  in  a  similar  strain,  Mr. 
Adams  concludes  as  follows  : 


78  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

"  Now  doesn't  this  spelling  look  cyiouxrious? 
'Tis  enough  to  make  anyone  byiouxrious  ! 

So  a  word  to  the  wise  ! 

Pray  our  language  revise 
With  orthography  not  so  injiouxrious." 


SEBA   SMITH.  79 


SEBA  SMITH. 

Before  the  close  of  the  last  century  a  famous 
humorist  was  born  in  the  town  of  Buckfield,  in 
the  State  of  Maine.  Seba  Smith  was  his  name, 
yet  during  his  entire  life  few  persons  knew  him 
by  that  title.  Speaking  of  him  as-  "Majer 
Jack  Downing,"  however,  instantly  recalls  him  to 
mind,  and  he  at  once  becomes  well  known. 

Seba  Smith  was  born  on  the  ipth  day  of  Sep- 
tember, 1792.  As  early  as  1818  he  graduated 
from  Bowdoin  College,  and,  a  year  or  two  later, 
settled  in  Portland,  where,  in  1820,  he  became  the 
editor  of  the  Eastern  Argus.  In  1830  he  trans- 
ferred his  labors  to  the  Portland  Courier,  with 
which  journal  he  was  connected  until  1837.  It 
was  during  this  time  that  Mr.  Smith  wrote  a  series 
of  letters  for  his  paper.  They  were  of  a  political 
nature,  and  took  well  with  the  public.  They  be- 
came so  popular  that  in  1833  they  were  collected 
in  a  volume  and  published  in  Boston,  under  the 
caption  of  Life  and  Letters  of  Majer  Jack  Down- 
ing. The  letters  were  humorous  in  the  extreme, 


80  FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

and  being  written  on  prominent  political  subjects, 
they  became  widely  popular. 

In  1841,  Smith  issued,  also  through  a  Boston 
house,  a  poem  of  considerable  length,  entitled 
Powhattan.  The  next  year  the  friends  of  Majer 
Jack  Downing  found  him  in  New  York  city,  where 
he  became  actively  engaged  in  literary  work.  His 
writings  continued  to  be  popular,  and  his  books 
were  written  in  rapid  succession.  Away  Down 
East,  or  Portraitures  of  Yankee  Life,  appeared  in 
1843,  and  in  1846,  a  book  entitled  Dewdrops  of  the 
Nineteenth  Century  was  issued.  This  was  fol- 
lowed by  a  work,  New  Elements  of  Geometry, 
and  other  books  of  a  serious  nature. 

In  1859,  towards  the  close  of  the  year,  Mr. 
Smith  issued  another  volume  of  political  humor, 
which  he  called  My  30  Years  Out  of  the  Senate. 
This  book  had  a  wide  reputation,  and  attained  an 
immense  sale.  The  "late  unpleasantness"  found 
Mr.  Smith  hard  at  work,  although  now  an  old 
man.  In  1864,  he  issued  a  book  entitled  Majer 
Jack  Downing  of  the  Downingville  Militia.  .An 
English  edition  of  the  work  now  lies  before  me. 
It  was  printed  in  Paternoster  Row,  London,  and 
contains  just  thirty  chapters.  On  the  title  page  is 
the  following: 

"The   constitution  is  a  dimmycratic   machine, 


SEBA    SMITH.  8  I 

and  its  got  to  run  as  a  dimmycratic  machine,  or  it 
won't  run  at  all!" 

MAJER  JACK  DOWNING  TO  LINCOLN. 

One  of  the  richest  things  in  the  book  is  "A. 
Linkin's  Proclamashin  Concerning  Majer  Jack 
Downing's  Book."  This  excellent  "take-off"  on 
a  President's  proclamation  is  dated  Washington, 
July  15,  1864,  and  is  as  follows: 

"Whereas,  my  friend,'  Majer  Jack  Downing, 
of  the  Downingville  millisha,  has  issued  a  Book 
of  Letters,  containing  his  views  on  public  affairs, 
the  war,  etc.,  etc. 

' '  Now,  therefore,  I  do  hereby  issue  this,  my 
Proclamashin,  enjoyning  upon  every  loyal,  as  well 
as  disloyal,  citizen,  includin'  loyal  Leegers,  Aboli- 
tionists, Republikans,  War  Dimmycrats,  Copper- 
heads, Clay  Banks,  Charcoals,  &c.,  to  buy  this 
book  and  to  read  the  same,  under  penalty  of  the 
confiscation  of  all  their  property,  includin'  niggers 
of  every  descripshin.  Furthermore,  all  officers 
under  me,  whether,  civil,  military,  or  otherwise, 
are  hereby  ordered,  under  penalty  of  court  mar- 
shal, to  purchase  the  said  book  and  read  it.  This 
order  applies  to  all  Postmasters  and  their  Clerks 
(who  are  also  ordered  to  assist  in  the  sale  of  the 
book),  to  all  Custom  House  officials,  Provo-Mar- 
shalls,  to  all  Tax  Collectors,  Assessors,  Recrute- 
ing  Officers,  Runners,  Brokers,  Bounty  Jumpers, 


82  FAMOUS   FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

and  espeshully  to  all  Government  Swindlers,  Con- 
tractors, Defaulters,  &c.,  to  all  Furrin  Ambassa- 
dors, Ministers,  Penitentiaries,  male  and  female, 
&c  &c.  Further  mor.e,  Generals  Grant,  Sherman 
and  all  other  Generals,  including  Ginneral  Banks, 
will  see  to  it  that  the  Majer's  letters  are  widely 
circulated  in  the  armies,  as  the  menny  good  stories 
of  mine,  as  well  as  of  the  Majer's,  in  the  book, 
will  keep  the  sojers  in  good  sperits. 

"  Further  more,  if  eny  disloyal  editer  shall  pre- 
sume to  say  enything  against  this  book,  or  advise 
eny  person  not  to  sell  or  circulate  the  same,  or  aid 
or  abet  them  in  so  doing,  he  shall  at  once  be  ar- 
rested and  his  paper  stopped. 

' '  Further,  if  any  person,  in  order  to  avoid  the 
penalties  mentioned  above,  shall  borrow  said  book, 
he  shall,  if  it  be  proved,  be  fined  $1000  in  gold. 
If  there  be  no  proof,  he  shall  be  sent  to  Fort  La- 
fayette. 

"  Finally  every  person  perchasing-  a  copy  of  the 
Majer's  Letter  shall  be  exempt  from  the  draft. 
All  others  are  at  once  to  be  seized  and  sent  to  the 
front. 

"  Done,  in  this,  my  city  of  Washington,  in  the 
fourth  year  of  my  reign.  A.  LINKIN." 

The  thirty  letters  following  are  all  dated  Wash- 
ington and  give  a  humorous  account  of  matters 
political  at  the  National  capital  at  that  time. 


SEBA    SMITH.  83 

Miss  Elizabeth  Oakes,  a  well  known  writer,  was 
married  to  Mr.  Smith  when  she  was  sixteen  years 
of  age.  She  was  born  in  Cumberland,  Maine,  in 
1831,  and  was  a  noted  novelist  for  upwards  of 
twenty  years.  She  has  published  in  all  something 
like  fifteen  different  works.  She  issued,  in  1851, 
a  volume,  Woman  and  Her  Needs,  which  became 
quite  popular. 

Mr.  Smith  retired  to  private  life  at  the  close  of 
the  war,  and  died  on  the  29th  of  July,  1868,  at  his 
homestead  in  Patchogue,  Rhode  Island.  His  wife 
survived  him  and  was  living  in  North  Carolina 
several  years  ago.  She  gave  up  writing  ten  years 
since. 


84  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 


WILL  W.  CLARK. 

Natives  of  western  Pennsylvania  are  familiar  with 
two  very  characteristic  names,  "Frisbee"  and 
"Gilhooley."  A  short,  stout,  rather  good  looking 
young  man  of  twenty-eight  or  more  is  the  father 
of  both  cognomens,  and  every  grown  up  resident  in 
smoky  Pittsburgh  will  tell  you  who  he  is.  Will  W. 
Clark,  the  paragrapher  of  the  Pittsburgh  Leader, 
does  not  enjoy  a  national  reputation,  although  he 
deserves  it.  His  character  sketches  signed  "Fris- 
bee"  and  "Gilhooley"  are  choice  tidbits  of  hu- 
mor, while  his  "All  Sorts"  column  in  the  Evening 
Leader  is  rarely  dry  or  out  of  humor. 

Clark  was  born  in  Pittsburgh,  and  will  probably 
die  there.  He  is  married  and  is  the  happy  parent 
Df  three  children.  Although  but  six  years  in  the 
journalistic  harness,  Will  is  already  an  old  hand  at 
the  business  and  is  an  accomplished  reporter.  He 
is  a  hard-working  journalist,  who  looks  ahead  for 
bread  and  butter  rather  than  for  fame. 

His  humor  is  peculiar,  and  I  can  give  no  better 
example  of  it  than  a  life  of  himself,  written  by 
himself,  for  himself.  It  is  as  follows : 


WILL    W.    CLARK.  85 

"MY  DEAR  CLEMENS: 

' '  My  biography  is  not  a  particularly  .interesting 
chapter,  and  is  in  fact  the  romance  of  a  poor  young 
man.  Still  I  think  I  am  a  humorist.  Away  down 
in  the  innermost  recesses  of  my  system  I  feel  I  am 
a  humorist,  but  by  some  unfortunate  combination 
of  circumstances  the  public  has  never  tumbled  to 
the  fact,  with  the  proper  precision  and  accuracy; 
the  public  wouldn't  tumble  if  a  marble  front  would 
fall  on  it.  That  is  probably  the  reason  I  am  on 
the  ragged  edge  of  genteel  poverty  at  the  present 
time  instead  of  rolling  in  luxury. 

"  I  was  born  in  the  classic  precincts  of  Hardscrab- 
ble,  of  poor  and  presumably  honest  parents.  I 
took  a  fancy  to  literature  from  my  mother,  who 
was  a  Scotch-Irish  woman,  a  great  reader,  and 
knew  Burns  by  heart. 

' '  The  old  man  was  an  Englishman  with  a  bald 
head  and  side  whiskers,  and  had  a  faculty  of  accu- 
mulating money,  a  faculty,  I  regret  to  say,  which 
is  not  hereditary  in  our  family.  He  used  to  re- 
mark, with  some  of  that  fine  humor  which  I  pos- 
sess to  such  an  intense  degree,  that  he  came  from 
Derbyshire,  '  where  they  were  strong  in  the  arm 
and  weak  in  the  head. ' 

"The  most  striking  evidence  of  weakness  on  his 
part  was  his  presenting  me  with  a  watch,  in  con- 
sideration of  which  I  was  not  to  enter  the  army. 


86  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

On  this  occasion  I  became  apprised,  for  the  first 
time,  that  .1  was  a  humorist,  as  I  had  no  notion 
of  going  to  the  front.  I  think  it  is  much  better  to 
be  a  miserable  poltroon  during  a  war  than  a  one- 
legged  organ-grinder  after  it. 

'  'It  is  singular  that  as  a  boy  I  was  a  good  deal 
like  other  boys.  At  school  I  was  the  teacher's 
pet.  She  liked  me  because  I  was  pretty,  and  she 
noticed  that  budding  genius  which  has  developed 
so  grandly  since,  but  of  which  the  public  has  failed 
to  take  proper  cognizance.  When  I  had  reached 
decimals  in  arithmetic  and  could  declaim  '  Rolla's 
Address  to  the  Peruvians, '  the  old  man  considered 
that  my  education  was  complete,  and  put  me  to 
work. 

"  He  was  a  rough  carpenter,  and  I  became  a  rough 
carpenter.  I  think  I  was  the  roughest  carpenter 
in  the  United  States.  I  built  a  shed  once  that 
was  constructed  in  a  mariner  so  diametrically 
opposite  to  all  the  rules  of  carpentry,  that  it  caved 
in  three  days  after  its  completion  and  killed  two 
coal  heavers.  On  another  occasion  my  employer 
noticed  that  I  put  a  lock  on  upside  down  and  hung 
a  door  the  wrong  way.  He  kindly  but  firmly 
suggested  that  I  should  quit.  After  revolving  the 
question  in  my  own  mind  I  did  quit ;  I  thought 
the  employer  would  be  angry  if  I  didn't. 

"When  my  father  died  he  left  me  some  money 


WILL    W.    CLARK.  8? 

and  'I  was  pretty  well  fixed,  but  in  a  moment  of 
abberation  of  mind  I  yielded  to  the  advice  of  some 
of  my  friends  and  joined  a  building  and  loan  asso- 
ciation. That  settled  it ;  in  a  short  time  the  asso- 
ciation gobbled  my  property  and  was  loaning  my 
money  to  some  one  else.  If  I  had  a  hundred  sons 
I  would  advise  them  all  to  be  solicitors  for  or  pres- 
idents of  building  and  loan  associations.  There's 
money  in  it. 

"  After  that  I  made  the  most  gigantic  mistake  of 
my  life.  I  got  a  job  on  a  newspaper  as  a  reporter, 
and,  after  stoving  my  legs  up  running  a  route,  I 
bloomed  out  as  a  humorist  writer.  As  I  said 
before,  the  people  don't  know  I'm  a  humorist, 
but  that  is  due  to  their  lack  of  appreciation,  and  is 
no  fault  of  mine.  I  have  written  some  of  the 
most  exquisitely  ail-but  funny  things  I  ever  saw, 
and  I  am  now  engaged  on  a  series  of  important 
jokes  for  an  almanac.  I  have  a  wife,  three  chil- 
dren, and  an  occasional  dose  of  dyspepsia. 

"  I  do  not  intend  to  retire  from  business  for  some 
time.  The  newspaper  business  is  easy,  and  espe- 
cially easy  is  the  task  of  running  the  funny  end  of 
it.  A  fellow  has  merely  to  be  funny  when  he  feels 
sad,  and  to  grind  out  humorous  items  every  day 
in  the  year.  Then  the  salary  of  newspaper  men 
is  so  enormous  that  college  graduates  would  rather 
take  a  situation  on  a  newspaper  than  get  a  job 


88  •          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

driving  a  street  car.  I  am  still  grinding  out  men- 
tal pabulum  for  the  public,  and  still  waiting  for 
some  appreciative  newspaper  publisher  to  offer  me 
a  situation  at  $5,000  per  annum. 

W.  W.CLARK." 


IRWIN    RUSSELL. 


IRWIN  RUSSELL. 


The  night  before  Christmas,  1879,  witnessed 
the  death  of  one  of  the  brightest  young  humor- 
ists the  United  States  has  ever  called  her  own. 
Of  bright  intellect  and  finished  education,  Irwin 
Russell  was  rapidly  winning  a  name  in  American 
literature,  when  taken  ill,  as  the  result  of  over- 
work ;  he  lingered  a  few  days,  and  died  Christmas 
Eve. 

Little  is  known  of  the  early  days  of  Irwin  Rus- 
sell. He  was  born  in  Fort  Gibson,  and  at  an  early 
age  was  left  an  orphan,  relying  on  his  own  exer- 
tions for  a  livelihood.  He  studied  law  and  began 
the  practice  of  it  in  his  native  city,  but,  becoming 
enamored  with  the  life  of  a  Bohemian,  he  started 
for  New  Orleans  in  search  of  fame  and  fortune- 
He  obtained  employment  at  local  writing  in  vari- 
ous newspaper  offices,  and  finally  found  regular 
employment  in  the  editorial  rooms  of  the  New 
Orleans  Times.  Then  he  left  the  South  and 
turned  up  in  New  York  city,  where  he  struggled 
with  fate  for  a  time.  His  existence  was  a  battle 


gO  FAMOUS    FUNNY-  FELLOWS. 

with  necessity  from  the  first.  It  seemed  that  he 
was  born  unlucky.  Although  his  prospects  were 
always  fine,  he  never  lived  to  establish  himself  per- 
manently anywhere.  Few  men  ever  received  so 
many  buffets  from  the  hand  of  fate. 

Alone  and  friendless  in  New  York,  young  and 
ambitious,  yet  weak  and  moneyless,  success  and 
he  were  strangers.  The  health  of  the  poor  boy 
failed  him,  and  he  would  have  died  had  he  re- 
mained in  New  York.  He  shipped  on  board  of 
a  steamer  bound  for  the  gulf,  and  worked  his  way 
home — not  home,  for  he  had  none,  but  to  New 
Orleans,  where  he  had,  at  least,  a  few  friends 
among  the  journalists  of  that  city.  He  returned 
to  work  upon  the  Times,  and  published  some  of 
the  daintiest  bits  of  dialect  humor  ever  given  to 
the  public. 

By  a  strange  coincidence  his  last  published  lines 
were  written  upon  the  subject  of  his  own  grave. 
They  appeared  in  the  New  Orleans  Times,  De- 
cember 1 4th,  just  ten  days  before  the  author  gave 
up  the  struggle  with  fate  and  died. 

THE  CEMETERY. 

"I  stand  within  this  solemn  place, 

And  think  of  days  gone  by — 

I  think  of  many  an  old-time  face, 

Here's  where  those  faces  lie, 

"I  think  of  when,  what  time  God  please, 
The  hour  shall  came  to  me, 


IRWIN    RUSSELL.  9! 

That  covered  with  the  clay,  like  these, 
My  face  shall  masked  be. 

"No  marble  monument  shall  rise 

Above  that  grave  of  mine — 
No  loving  friends  will  wipe  their  eyes 
When  life  I  shall  resign. 

"But  when  I  leave  my  life — have  left 

My  every  present  care — 
I'll  find  a  home  of  care  bereft; 
My  friends  are  living  there. 

The  New  Orleans  Times,  in  speaking  of  Irwin 
Russell,  after  his  death,  said  of  him:  "  He  was 
employed  occasionally  on  this  paper,  and  while 
so,  wrote  many  a  pretty  little  poem,  and  many  a 
little  catch  which  reveal  an  inner  life,  which  hard 
lines  hid  from  the  view  of  the  world.  His  fund 
of  humor  showed  itself  best  in  dialect  writing,  and 
some  things  he  has  written  have  already  found 
permanent  resting  places  in  the  compiled  editions 
of  American  humorous  verse." 

For  several  years  Irwin  Russell  was  an  interest- 
ing and  valued  contributor  to  Scribner's  Monthly, 
and  some  of  his  poems  have  appeared  since  his 
death,  in  The  Century.  The  productions  were 
mostly  of  the  negro  dialect  order,  and  occasion- 
ally they  consisted  of  Irish  sketches  in  verse. 
About  the  last  thing  published  was  an  Irish  dialect 
poem,  entitled  Larry's  on  the  Force,  which  ap- 
peared in  The  Century.  The  poem  tells  in  the 


92          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

fourth  verse  of  Larry's  appearance  as   a    police- 
man: 

"  He  shtips  that  proud  and  shtately-loike,  you'd  think  he  owned  the 

town, 

And-houlds  his  shtick  convenient  to  be  tappin'  some  wan  down — 
Aich  blissed  day,  I  watch  to  see  him  comin'  up  the  sthrate, 
For  by  the  greatest  i>it  of  luck,  our  house  is  on  his  bate." 

Russell's  crowning  effort  was  a  piece  of  dialect 
verse  entitled  The  First  Banjo.  It  appeared  in 
Scribner's,  and  is  worthy  of  reprint  here : 

THE  FIRST  BANJO. 

Go  'way  fiddle  !— folks  is  tired  o'  hearin'  you  a-squawkin'. 
Keep  silence  fur  yo'  betters — don't  you  heah  de  banjo  talkin'  ? 
About  de  'possum's  tail  she's  gwine  to  lecter — ladies,  listen  !  — 
About  de  ha'r  what  isn't  dar,  an'  why  de  ha'r  is  missin'. 

"Bar's  gwine  to  be  an  oberflow,"  said  Noah,  lookin'  solemn — 

For  Noah  tuk  the  Herald,  an'  he  read  de  ribber  column — 

An'  so  he  sot  his  hands  to  work  a-cl'arin'  timber-patches, 

An'  'lowed  he's  gwine  to  build  a  boat  to  beat  de  steamah  "Natchez." 

Ol'  Noah  kep'  a-nailin',  an'  a-chippin',  an'  a-sawin'  ; 
An'  all  de  wicked  neighboirs  kep'  a-laughin'  an'  a-pshawin' ; 
But  Noah  didn't  min'  'em — knowin'  what  wuz  gwine  to  happen  ; 
An'  forty  days  and  forty  nights  de  rain  it  kept  a-drappin'. 

Now,  Noah  had  done  cotched  a  lot  ob  ebery  sort  o'  beas'es — 

Ob  all  de  shows  a-trabbelin'  it  beat  'em  all  to  pieces  ! 

He  had  a  Morgan  colt,  an'  sebral  head  o'  Jarsey  cattle — 

An'  drew  'em  'board  de  ark  as  soon's  he  heared  de  thunder  rattle. 

Den  sech  anoder  fall  ob  rain  ! — it  come  so  awful  hebby 

De  ribber  riz  immegitly,  an'  bursted  troo  de  lebbee  ; 

De  people  all  wuz  drownded  out — 'cept  Noah  an'  de  critters, 

An'  men  he'd  hired  to  work  de  boat— an'  one  to  mix  de  bitters. 


IRWIN    RUSSELL.  93 

De  ark  she  kep'  a-sailin',  an"  a-sailin',  an'  a-sailin'; 

De  lion  got  his  dander  up,  an"  like  to  bruk  de  palin' — 

De  sarpints  hissed — de  painters  yelled— tell — what  wid  all  de  fussin'. 

You  c'u'd'n't  hardly  heah  de  mate  a-bossin'  roun'  an'  cussin'. 

Now,  Ham,  de  only  niegar  what  wuz  runnin'  on  de  packet, 
Got  lonesome  in  de  barber-shop,  and  c'u'dn't  stan'  de  racket; 
An'  so,  for  to  amuse  he-self,  he  steamed  some  wood  an'  bent  it, 
An'  soon  he  had  a  banjo  made — de  fust  dat  wuz  invented. 

He  wet  de  ledder,  stretched  it  on;  made  bridge,  an'  screws,  an'  apron; 

An'  fitted  in  a  proper  neck — 'twas  bery  long  and  tap'rm' ; 

He  tuk  some  tin  and  twisted  him  a  thimble  for  to  ring  it  ; 

An'  den  de  mighty  question  riz:  how  wuz  he  gwine  to  string  it  ? 

De  'possum  had  as  fine  a  tail  as  dis  dat  Fs  a  singin'; 
De  ha'r's  so  long,  an'  thick,  an'  strcnj — jes"  fit  for  banjo  stringm' — 
Dat  niggar  shaved  'em  off  as  short  as  washday  dinner  graces  ; 
An'  sorted  ob  'em  by  de  size,  from  little  E's  to  basses. 

He  strung  her,  tuned  her,  struck  a  jig — 'twas  Nebber  Min'  de  Wedder — 
She  soun'  like  forty-lebben  bands  a-playin'  all  togedder; 
Some  went  to  pattin',  some  to  dancin';  Noah  called  de  figgers— 
An'  Ham  he  sot  an'  knocked  de  tune,  de  happiest  ob  niggars  ! 

Now,   sence  dat  time — it's  mighty  strange  — dere's  not  de  slightest 

showin'. 

Ob  any  ha'r  upon  de  cunnin'  'possum's  tail  a-growin'; 
An'  curi's  too — dat  nigger's  ways  ;  his  people  nebber  los"  'em — 
For,  whar  you  finds  de  niggar,  dar's  de  banjo  an'  de  possum  ! 


-FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 


JOHN  H.  WILLIAMS. 

Mr.  J.  H.  Williams,  better  known  as  "the  Nor- 
ristown  Herald  man,"  is  one  of  the  few  successful 
latter-day  humorists.  He  was  born  in  Montgom- 
ery county,  Pennsylvania,  and  after  a  few  years  of 
common  school  education,  he  located  in  Norris- 
town,  a  lively  town  of  the  Keystone  State,  serv- 
ing an  apprenticeship  as  a  printer's  devil.  In 
1860  he  began  writing  for  the  New  York  Mercury 
over  the  signature  of  "  B.  Dadd."  About  this 
time  he  also  produced  a  series  of  letters  signed 
"A.  Ward,  Jr.,"  which,  by  the  way,  were  excel- 
lent imitations,  and  were  widely  copied,  some  pa- 
pers dropping  the  Jr.  and  crediting  them  to  Arte- 
mus  Ward  himself.  For  several  years  Williams 
resided  in  Wilmington,  Delaware,  but  in  1871  he 
returned  to  Norristown  and  became  attached  to 
the  Herald.  Williams  is  considered  one  of. the 
most  rollicking  writers  on  the  American  press.  He 
is  still  a  young  man  and  has  been  married  for 
several  years.  He  forbade  my  writing  a  biogra- 
phy for  him  and  begged  of  me  to  allow  him  to 


JOHN    H.    WILLIAMS.  95 

compose  his  own  "obituary,"  as  he  is  pleased  to 
call  it.      Here  is  what  he  wrote: 
' '  MY  DEAR  MR.  CLEMENS  : 

"A  man's  biography  auto  always  be  written  by 
himself.  A  disinterested  party  is  liable  to  omit 
some  of  the  facts.  A  personal  history  should 
above  all  things  be  truthful — devoid  of  fulsome- 
ness,  and  embrace  all  the  important  events  of  its 
subject's  life,  good  or  bad.  Too  many  biogra- 
phers lie  like  a  patent  medicine  advertisement. 
This  is  to  be  regretted. 

' '  My  memory  is  too  treacherous  to  write  my 
own  life  anyhow.  I  have  been  informed  that  I  was 
present  on  the  occasion  of  my  birth,  but  I  haven't 
the  slightest  recollection  of  it — as  some  one  has 
previously  remarked. 

"  I  am  older — am  uglier — than  I  was  two  score 
years  ago. 

' '  Then,  young  ladies  would  chuck  me  under  the 
chin  and  gushingly  exclaim :  "B'ess  its  purty  'ittle 
heart." 

"Now — they  don't. 

' '  And  I  am  rather  glad  of  it,  for  the  aforesaid 
young  ladies  must  be  nearly  sixty  years  old  now, 
and  some  of  them  wear  glasses  and  decayed  teeth. 
If  I  had  time,  dear  reader,  I  could  tell  you  how,  in 
1492,  under  the  noin  de plume  of  Christopher  Colum- 
bus, I  discovered  America.  This  is  a  fact  not  gen- 


96  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

erally  known.  Sometimes  it  seems  like  a  wild, 
weird  dream.  You  may  have  read  something 
about  the  discovery.  It  was  considered  important 
at  the  time  ;  but  more  than  one  person,  no  doubt, 
upon  looking  around  and  seeing  the  distressing 
amount  of  misery  in  America,  and  observing  how 
bogus  mining  companies,  policy  shops,  rowing 
matches,  political  corruption  and  other  frauds 
flourish  like  a  green  baize,  will  regret  that  I  ever 
discovered  it. 

' '  I  have  one  wife. 

' '  I  could,  if  my  other  duties  permitted,  de- 
scribe how,' in  1773,  I  surrounded  thirty-two  wild 
Indians,  and  after  a  hand-to-hand  conflict  last- 
ing seven  hours,  I  killed  twenty-four  of  the  red- 
skins, wounded  sixteen,  and  took  eleven  prisoners. 
The  remainder  fled.  Aside  from  being  pierced  by 
twenty-one  arrows,  I  escaped  without  a  scratch. 

"  And  yet  I  was  never  made  the  hero  of  a  dime 
novel !  Probably  because  I  didn't  wear  long  hair 
and  a  soft  hat  as  big  around  as  a  cart  wheel. 

"I  am  not  addicted  to  bicycle  riding — and 
therefore  still  retain  the  respect  of  my  neighbors. 

"If  it  was  not  my  hour  to  go  out  and  see  a 
man,  it  would  afford  me  great  pleasure  to  allude 
to  the  day  that  I  landed  at  Plymouth  Rock,  with 
a  lot  of  pilgrims,  without  any  "rocks"  in  my 
pocket.  I  shall  never  do  it  again. 


JOHN    H.    WILLIAMS.  p/ 

"  I  never  wrote  a  comic  opera. 

"This  assertion,  if  made  public,  would  be  re- 
ceived with  an  air — or  rather  a  tornado  of  in- 
credulity. It  would  be  accepted  as  a  wild,  reckless 
piece  of  exaggeration.  And  yet  it  is  a  positive 
fact. 

"  I  shall  not  refer  to  the  time  I  fell  at  Bunker 
Hill — caused  by  stepping  on  a  banana  skin, — nor 
mention  the  fact  that  I  once  struck  a  gentleman 
called  Billy  Patterson.  I  forgot  the  date  of  the 
latter  event ;  but  I  desire  to  say  in  extenuation 
that  Mr.  Patterson  struck  me  first.  And  yet  he 
had  the  facial  prominence  to  sue  me  for  assault 
and  battery.  However,  the  grand  jury  ignored 
the  bill,  and  saddled  the  cost  upon  the  plaintiff. 

' '  I  have  never — never,  understand,  without  any 
'  hardly  '  qualification  about  it — lectured. 

"My  wife  has,  to  an  audience  of  one. 

"I  don't  suppose  it  would  interest  the  general 
public  to  know  that,  about  sixty  years  ago,  while 
at  breakfast,  I  was  blown  up  with  dynamite,  by  a 
party  of  enraged  subscribers  of  our  paper.  Their 
provocation  was  great,  but  I  think  they  were  a 
little  too  impetuous,  as  it  were.  In  an  unguarded 
moment,  I  printed  the  alleged  pun,  'What  did 
the  corn-brake?  '  and  thousands  of  our  subscribers 
nearly  lost  their  reason  trying  to  discover  the  joke, 
which  they  naturally  thought  must  lurk  therein. 


58  FAMOUS    FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

About  fifty  of  them  arose  in  their  might, — and 
dynamite, — and  elevated  things.  I  lost  two  arms 
and  two  legs.  But  this  was  not  the  worst.  A 
religious  weekly  chromo  was  irreparably  ruined. 
Perhaps  I  should  explain  that  the  arms  and  legs 
belonged  to  a  chair  and  a  table,  respectively. 

' '  This  little  incident  effectually  cured  me  of 
punning  in  print.  I  have  not  made  a  joke  since. 

"I  invented  the  'fifteen  puzzle,'  but  I  would 
rather  not  have  this  piece  of  imprudence  made 
known  until  I  get  my  life  heavily  insured. 

"Since  1850  I  have  killed  my  grandmother, 
burned  an  orphan  asylum,  embezzled  fifty  thou- 
sand dollars,  and  committed  arson.  These  facts 
came  out  soon  after  I  was  nominated  for  a  polit- 
ical office.  They  came  out  in  an  opposition 
paper.  They  always  do  ;  and  the  only  way  to 
prevent  their  appearance  is  to  buy  the  paper — 
or  its  editor. 

' '  I  have  never  been  in  jail  or  in  Congress — 
though  there  may  be  worse  people  in  both  pla — . 
But,  as  I  remarked  at  the  outset,  I  am  compelled 
to  forego  the  pleasure  of  sending  you  a  biograph- 
ical sketch.  I  suppose  my  esteemed  friend,  Eli 
Perkins,  would  write  one  for  me  for  a  mere  pit- 
tance, but  I  would  rather  journey  through  life 
without  a  biography  to  my  back,  than  to  have  one 


JOHN    H.    WILLIAMS.  99 

that  does  not  breathe  the  spirit  of  truth,  in  every 
line — truth    that   is   neither   warped   nor   bent — 
sweet,  pure,  undefiled  truth  that  will  wash. 
"Yours,  etc., 

J.  H.   WILLIAMS." 


IOO  FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 


JAMES  M.  BAILEY. 

Albany,  New  York,  claims  Mr.  James  M.  Bailey, 
of  the  Danbury  News,  as  her  offspring.  The  boy- 
hood days  of  the  Danbury  News  man  were 
characterized  by  nothing  unusual  or  exciting.  At 
an  early  age  he  left  school  and  sought  a  situa- 
tion in  a  grocery  store.  As  a  grocer,  James  proved 
an  utter  failure,  and  without  hesitation  left  his 
newly  found  occupation,  and  soon  after  took  to 
the  law,  building  air  castles  of  a  great  and  glorious 
future. 

Not  satisfied,  however,  with  the  fullness  of  his 
money  coffers,  Bailey  deserted  the  law  to  seek  a 
more  profitable  business.  He  gave  up  all  profes- 
sional desires  and  turned  mechanic,  serving  two 
long  years  as  a  carpenter.  But  in  1862  the  war 
of  the  Rebellion  again  changed  his  occupation, 
and  Bailey,  with  all  the  patriotism  of  an  American 
youth,  enlisted  as  a  private  in  the  Seventh  regiment 
of  Connecticut  volunteers.  For  three  years  he 
fought  with  a  desperation  only  equalled  by  his  des- 
perate attempts  at  producing  pun^,  in  after  years. 


JAMES    M.     BAILEY.  IOI 

In  the  early  part  of  1866  Bailey,  in  company 
with  T.  Donovan,  purchased  the  Danbury  (Con- 
necticut) Times.  In  1870  the  firm  purchased  the 
only  opposition  paper  in  the  town,  and  named  the 
result  of  the  combination  the  Danbury  News.  In 
1873  Bailey  made  a  trip  to  California,  and  in  April 
of  the  next  year  went  to  Europe,  where  he 
remained  until  1875.  During  these  travels  he 
wrote  constantly  for  his  paper,  and  by  so  doing 
acquired  the  title  of  "the  Danbury  News  Man." 

In  1873  Bailey  issued,  through  the  Boston  house 
of  Lee  &  Shepard,  his  first  volume  of  humorous 
sketches,  under  the  caption  of  Life  in  Danbury. 
The  book  had  a  tremendous  sale  for  several  years, 
and  fully  fifty  thousand  copies  were  sold.  In  the 
fall  of  the  same  year  he  produced  an  almanac,  the 
first  and  last  work  of  the  kind  he  ever  published. 

As  a  lecturer  Bailey  has  never  been  a  great 
success.  Perhaps  if  he  had  entered  the  lecture 
field  in  1874,  at  which  time  he  was  far  more  pop- 
ular than  at  any  time  during  his  life,  he  would 
have  realized  a  small  fortune  from  his  lectures. 
But  as  a  speaker  he  never  made  the  name  he  has 
acquired  through  his  writings.  Jn  1877,  They  all 
Do  It  was  issued  and  so  well  was  the  volume  re- 
ceived that  the  Danbury  News  Man's  name  again 
became  a  household  word.  Another  work  which 


IO2  FAMOUS    FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

appeared  in  1879,  also  became  quite  popular.     It 
was  entitled  Mr.  Phillips'  Goneness. 

Bailey's  first  humorous  paragraph  appeared  in 
the  News  in  1872,  and,  by  January  of  the  next 
year,  his  productions  were  being  published  in 
almost  every  paper  in  the  country.  About  this 
time  a  special  edition  of  the  News  was  issued  for 
general  circulation  throughout  the  country.  It 
took  exceedingly  well  for  several  years,  but  was 
discontinued  about  two  years  ago.  Bailey  has 
acquired  his  fame  and  fortune  through  his  own 
endeavors  and  struggles  in  the  world.  He  is  a 
self-made  man  in  every  respect.  He  is  quite  pre- 
possessing in  his  personal  appearance,  his  manner 
is  dignified  and  pleasing,  his  demeanor  modest  and 
unassuming,  and  his  countenance  honest  and 
frank.  In  his  face  there  is  nothing  to  note  his 
humor,  save  the  merry,  bright,  and  unmistakable 
twinkle  of  the  eye. 

Some  time  ago  an  entertainment  was  given  in 
New  York,  in  honor  of  Robert  J.  Burdette,  of  the 
Burlington  Hawkeye.  To  W.  A.  Croffut,  who 
gave  the  entertainment,  the  Danbury  News  Man 
wrote  the  following  letter  of  request : 

"My  DEAR  CROFFUT: — Your  invitation  re- 
ceived, and  I  thank  you  heartily  for  it,  while  I 
regret  that  I  am  unable  to  accept  it  Age  and  the 
cares  of  life  (I  have  two  of  the  puzzles)  are  giving 


JAMES    M.     BAILEY.  IO3 

me  away,  and  prevent  me  from  taking  a  journey 
to  your  city.  Besides  we  are  getting  ready  to 
move,  and  my  wife  feels  that  much  of  the  sym- 
metry of  the  performance  would  be  lost,  if  I 
were  not  here  to  permeate  it  with  my  presence. 
One  of  our  carpets  is  so  worn  that  it  could  hardly 
be  trusted  in  the  hands  of  a  stranger,  and  it  will 
be  necessary  for  me  to  shake  it  in  person.  This  I 
cannot  very  well  avoid,  or  I  would.  Confiden- 
tially, my  desire  to  be  here  is  to  prevent  the 
removal  to  the  new  house  of  about  two  tons  of 
old  rubbish  that  no  one  but  a  woman  would  think 
of  carting  around.  You  are  married  and  will 
understand  me.  Give  my  regards  to  the  guest  of 
the  evening,  and  tell  him  that  I  hope  to  have  the 
pleasure  some  time  of  taking  him  by  the  hand. 
"Yours  sincerely, 

J.   M.  BAILEY." 


IO4         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 


CHARLES   H.  SMITH. 

Charles  H.  Smith  (Bill  Arp)  is  one  of  the  oldest 
of  living  humorists.  Under  the  nom  de  plume  of 
Bill  Arp  he  has  given  the  world  some  very  rich 
things  in  the  way  of  humor,  and  the  columns  of 
the  Atlanta  (Georgia)  Constitution,  have,  during 
the  past  few  years,  teemed  with  his  witty,  spark- 
ling letters.  Bill  Arp  is  known  all  over  the  South, 
and  in  many  of  the  Gulf  States  his  reputation  is 
equal  to  that  of  Mark  Twain. 

Mr.  Smith  lives  in  a  retired  manner  at  his  coun- 
try-seat near  Cartersville,  Georgia.  From  this 
rural  retreat,  he  writes  me  of  his  life  as  follows: 

"Speaking  as  though  I  was  another  fellow,  let 
me  say  that — Major  Charles  H.  Smith  was  born 
in  Lawrenc'eville,  Georgia,  June  15,  1826 — that 
is  to  say,  the  '  major '  part  was  not  born  then, 
though  I  suppose  he  was  born  all  at  once, 
but  the  title,  the  prefix,  the  dignity  I  mean, 
wasn't  born  to  him  until  June,  1861,  when  he  was 
knighted  by  Jeff  Davis,  and  assigned  to  the  staff 
of  Colonel  Barton,  with  aspirations  more  sanguine 


CHARLES    H.     SMITH.  IO5 

than  sanguinary.  The  Major  used  to  be  a  '  peace 
colonel,'  but  was  reduced  to  a  war  major,  for  you 
must  know  that  these  peace  colonels  abounded 
in  the  land.  There  was  no  harm  in  them,  and  the 
title  signified  only  a  patriotic  devotion  to  the 
political  fortunes  of  the  governor — that  is,  the 
commander  in  chief. 

"  You  must  know,  if  you  do  not,  that  Georgia 
boasted  of  an  army  and  navy  in  the  good  old 
times.  The  navy  was  altogether  imaginary,  pic- 
turesque, esthetic,  and  did  not  muster  nor  parade ; 
but  the  army  was  a  fact,  and  was  mobilized  twice 
a  year,  not  in  corpses,  or  cores,  or  whatever  you 
call  them,  but  in  brigades  and  regiments,  in  each 
county,  and  as  the  commander  in  chief  could  not 
be  in  every  county  at  the  same  time  to  review 
his  '  meelish, '  he  had  to  attend  by  proxy,  there- 
fore he  appointed  a  proxy  in  every  county,  with 
the  rank  of  colonel.  This  honor  when  conferred 
was  intended  as  a  kind  of  mucilage  that  cemented 
the  donee  to  the  donor,  and  the  donee  was  ex- 
pected to  cry  '  encore '  if  the  donor  wanted  to  be 
re-elected  to  the  gubernatorial  chair.  Parties  were 
pretty  equally  balanced  in  Georgia,  and  every  time 
we  had  a  new  governor  we  had  a  new  set  of  col- 
onels, say  an  hundred  or  more,  on  the  average, 
every  two  or  four  years.  This  is  how  we  boasted 
of  so  many  peace  colonels,  for  when  a  man  once 


106  FAMOUS    FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

got  the  title  he  kept  it,  no  matter  if  he  didn't  keep 
the  office.  All  this  is  to  explain  how  Major  Smith 
came  to  be  a  colonel  under  Governor  Howell 
Cobb,  and  was  afterwards  reduced  to  his  present 
rank.  He  says  he  really  prefers  the  minor  title 
to  the  major,  for  it  is  based  on  a  war  footing, 
and  besides,  the  ladies  have  a  way  of  saying 
'  major  '  with  a  softer  and  sweeter  inflection  than 
they  used  to  say  colonel. 

"The  Major  was  born  and  bred  as  usual,  but 
his  singular  parentage  is  to  be  made  a  note  of. 
His  father  was  a  Massachusetts  man,  and  his 
mother  a  native  of  Charleston.  This  combination 
was  happy  enough  in  itself,  but  developed  in  the 
'boy'  a  disposition  to  fits  of  passion,  on  which 
occasions  he  used  to  bite  himself  and  bump  his 
head  against  the  door,  but  his  good  mother  always 
said  he  couldn't  help  it,  for  it  was  South  Carolina 
fighting  Massachusetts. 

"The  Major's  father  was  a  merchant,  and  as  the 
boy  grew  up  he  trained  him  to  trade  and  traffic 
behind  the  counter.  Later  in  life  he  sent  him  'to 
a  manual  labor  institute,  where  the  boys  were  ex- 
pected to  pay  for  their  board  by  working  in  the 
field  three  hours  every  day.  Presumptuous  ex- 
pectation !  It  generally  took  the  boys  about  three 
hours  to  find  their  tools  and  get  ready  for  work. 
Link  pins  were  stolen,  and  by  the  time  the  wagon 


CHARLES    H.    SMITH.  IO/ 

reached  the  field  the  wheel  came  off.  When  the 
overseer  was  watching  one  squad  another  slipped 
off  to  the  creek  to  go  in  bathing,  and  so  in  due 
time  the  school  collapsed.  The  'boy'  was  next 
initiated  into  the  mysteries  of  riding  the  mail  to 
a  neighboring  village.  This  was  not  considered  a 
very  elegant  or  aristocratic  occupation.  The  steed 
was  a  kind  of  equine  dromedary,  and  jogged 
along  at  his  leisure  without  regard  to  whip  or 
spur.  The  monotony  of  this  employment  be- 
came very  monotonous  to  the  boy,  and  gave  him 
abundant  leisure  for  mental  exercise. 

"  There  is  nothing  romantic  or  thrilling  about 
riding  an  old-fashioned  mail — nothing  like  the 
long  express  across  the  plains  that  Mark  Twain 
has  so  bewitchingly  described  in  Roughing  It; 
no  fleet-footed  mustang,  no  'ostler  standing  with 
another  ready  at  the  station,  no  running  against 
time,  no  passing  returning  post-boys  with  a  smile 
and  a  salute,  no  nothing  but  an  occasional  old 
woman  coming  to  the  fence  with  a  pair  of  socks 
she  wanted  to  send  to  town  to  exchange  for  in- 
digo or  copperas,  and  as  she  looked  OVCF  her 
spectacles  inquired  'Are  you  the  mail  boy?' 
The  youth  sometimes  looked  smilingly  at  her  as 
he  replied :  '  Why — yes — mam,  you  didn't  think 
I  was  a  female  boy,  did  you  ? ' 

"In  due  time  the  boy  graduated  at  this  business, 


IO8  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

and  his  father  sent  him  to  college.  He  had  as 
good  a  time  there  as  is  usual.  He  made  many 
pleasant  acquaintances,  some  lasting  friendships, 
and  a  love  or  two,  and  at  the  close  of  his  career 
married  a  daughter  of  Judge  Hutchins.  He  next 
studied  law  with  the  judge,  and  after  his  admission 
to  the  bar,  removed  to  Rome,  Georgia,  and 
founded  a  partnership  with  Judge  Underwood,  a 
gentleman  noted  for  his  ability,  both  as  a  judge 
and  a  statesman.  This  partnership  was  pleasant 
and  profitable.  It  was  obliged  to  be  profitable  as 
a  matter  of  necessity,  for  it  continued  until  there 
were  a  score  of  children  in  the  two  families,  .and 
paternal  ancestors  knew  but  little  of  economy,  or 
its  prudence  of  laying  up  money  for  a  rainy  day. 

"  Prior  to  the  war  Major  Smith  had  frequently 
indulged  his  inclinations  for  humorous  and  critical 
observations  on  men  and  measures,  but  it  was  not 
until  the  spring  of  1861  that  his  peculiar  genius 
found  a  field  rich  enough  to  harvest  in.  The 
famous  proclamation  of  President  Lincoln,  order- 
ing the  people  of  the  rebellious  South  to  '  cease 
their  turbulent  demonstrations  and  to  disband 
their  military  companies,  and  disperse  and  retire 
to  their  homes,  within  thirty  days,  under  penalty 
of  being  arrested  and  tried  for  treason, '  seemed 
very  ludicrous  and  absurd  to  the  hot  bloods  of  the 
South,  who  really  felt  like  they  could  whip  all  the 


CHARLES    H.    SMITH.  lOg 

world  and  the  rest  of  mankind,  and  so  the  Major 
burlesqued  it  in  his  way  as  though  he  was  an  un- 
lettered countryman  who  wanted  to  disperse  but 
couldn't.  He  said  he  'had  done  his  darndest  to 
disperse,  but  the  boys  were  so  hot  that  when  you 
throwed  water  on  'em  they  sizzed,  and  that  was 
the  way  they  was  making  up  their  companies.' 
If  a  boy  '  sizzed '  they  took  him,  and  if  he  didn't, 
they  didn't,  and  he  respectfully  asked  '  Mr.  Link- 
horn  '  for  a  little  more  time. 

"The  Major  read  his  manuscript  to  two  or  three 
friends  in  his  office,  and  at  the  conclusion  noticed 
that  the  original  Bill  Arp  stood  at  the  door  a  list- 
ener. 

' '  Bill's  merry  eyes  seemed  to  enjoy  it,  and  he 
came  forward  with  a  query,  '  Colonel, '  said  he, 
'  are  you  gwine  to  print  that  ? ' 

'"I  think  I  will,  Bill,'  said  he. 

"  'What  name  are  you  gwine  to  put  to  it?'  said 
Bill. 

"  'I  don't  know,  Bill,'  said  he. 

"  'Well,  put  mine,  by  golly;  for  them's  my  sen- 
timents,' said  Bill,  and  so  Bill  Arp's  name  was  put 
to  please  him,  and  it  was  thus  that  the  nom  de 
plume  was  acquired.  This  same  Bill  Arp  kept  a 
ferry  near  Rome,  and  was  so  fond  of  hearing  law- 
yers talk  that  he  would  slip  off  from  his  ferry  dur- 
ing court  week  and  stay  all  day  in  the  court  house, 


HO  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

or  he  would  frequent  their  office  just  to  get  into 
good  company.  He  was  wholly  unlettered,  could 
neither  read  nor  write,  but  had  a  good  mother  wit 
of  his  own,  and  was  never  considered  an  interloper 
by  any  sociable  crowd.  He  was  wont  to  say  that 
every  poor  man  ought  to  be  tackled  on  to  a  rich 
one;  that  he  belonged  to  Colonel  Johnston,  and 
didn't  want  a  better  master.  He  was  asked  one 
day  who  he  was  going  to  vote  for,  and  says  he: 
'I  don't  know,  till  I  see  Colonel  Johnston,  and  he 
won't  know,  till  he  see  Judge  Underwood,  and  the 
Judge  won't  know  till  he  hears  from  Alexander 
Stephens,  but  who  in  the  dickens  tells  Alec  Steph- 
ens, I'll  be  dogged  if -I  know.' 

' '  Bill  Arp  joined  the  army  with  the  Major,  in  the 
same  command,  on  June  8,  1861.  Bill  lost  two 
sons  in  the  conflict,  but  got  through  safe  himself, 
and  lived  until  1878.  Peace  to  his  ashes. 

"  In  1866  Major  Smith  was  unanimously  chosen 
to  represent  his  district  as  State  Senator,,  and  was 
made  chairman  of  the  financial  committee.  This 
is  the  only  official  dignity  he  has  borne,  and  this 
was  wholly  unsought.  In  1877  he  retired  from 
his  profession  to  the  more  peaceful  and  congenial 
pursuit  of  tilling  the  soil,  and  seems  extremely 
happy  in  his  communion  with  nature  and  the  quiet 
seclusion  of  his  family  from  the  follies  and  cares  of 
society  life.  He  has  ten  living  children,  and  has 


CHARLES    H.    SMITH.  Ill 

a  lot  of  grandchildren  coming  on,  whose  greatest 
delight  is  to  go  to  grandpa's  and  play  in  the  branch 
and  catch  minnows,  ride  the  colts,  and  hunt  hens' 
nests,  and  fish  all  the  day  long.  The  Major  says 
a  grandparent  has  no  business  living  in  town,  on  a 
half-acre  lot,  for  it  is  no  pleasure  to  the  grandchil- 
dren to  visit  him  and  grandma  in  a  pent  up  Utica 
or  a  Rome  either.  They  want  latitude  and  longi- 
tude, so  let  grandparents  move  into  the  country, 
where  the  little  chaps  can  come  and  go,  and  spread 
out  and  'holler,'  and  be  happy.  Solomon  says 
that  children's  children  are  the  glory  of  a  man, 
and  there  is  nothing  better  to  work  for  than  glory." 

In  a  recent  letter  to  the  author  of  this  volume 
Major  Smith  tells  a  funny  story  in  his  own  pecu- 
liar style.  He  says  : 

"  Speaking  of  children,  reminds  me  of  Dr. 
Johnston,  and  so  I  must  tell  you  that  I  spent  a  few 
days  last  winter  with  General  Loring,  who  was 
born  and  bred  a  soldier.  He  was  in  the  cavalry 
service  in  the  far  West  with  Fremont  and  Carson 
all  his  youth,  next  in  the  confederate  army  as  a 
major-general,  and  next  as  chief  of  the  Khedive's 
army  in  Egypt.  He  returned  laden  with  glory 
and  honors,  and  fine  clothes.  He  had  his  servant 
man  to  dress  in  the  Khedive's  jeweled  suit  for  my 
inspection.  He  showed  me  his  portfolio  of  splen- 
did engravings,  and  photographs  of  all  the  notable 


112          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

things  in  the  old  world.  Every  few  pages  we 
would  come  to  the  photo  of  a  beautiful  woman, 
and  he  would  carelessly  remark  :  '  Only  a  lady 
friend  of  mine. '  The  General  is  a  bachelor  of 
some  sixty  years,  and  I  so  much  admired  his  con- 
versation, I  ventured  to  say  that  he  ought  to  write 
a  book  of  his  travels  and  exploits,  and  reminded 
him  what  Dr.  Johnston  said  to  Boswell  :  '  Every 
man  owes  something  to  posterity,  a  debt  that  he 
can  and  ought  to  pay.  He  should  do  one  or  more 
of  three  things.  Plant  a  tree,  the  shade  of  which, 
or  the  fruit  of  which  would  pleasure  him,  or  write 
a  book,  the  sentiments  of  which  would  benefit 
him,  or — get  a  child  that  would  be  an  honor  to 
the  human  race.' 

' '  '  Now,  General,'  said  I,  '  Have  you  ever  writ- 
ten a  book  ?  ' 

"  '  No,'  said  he. 

' '  '  Have  you  ever  planted  a  tree  ?  ' 

"  '  Never,'  said  he. 

' ' '  Have  you  ever  begotten  a  child  ? ' 

'"None  to  speak  of,'  said  he." 


A.     MINER    GRISWOLD.  1 13 


A.  MINER  GRISWOLD. 

Alphonso  Miner  Griswold  was  born  near  Utica, 
Oneida  county,  New  York,  January  26,  1834. 
His  youth  was  spent  in  the  usual  way,  and  in 
1856  he  graduated  at  Hamilton  college,  with  more 
or  less  honor.  It  was  not  until  November, 
1857,  that  "Gris"  entered  the  journalistic  world 
by  accepting  a  position  as  reporter  on  the  Buffalo 
Daily  Times,  then  owned  and  edited  by  the  late 
Henry  W.  Faxen.  When  the  Times  was  merged 
into  the  Republic,  Griswold  transferred  his  talents 
to  the  latter  sheet. 

In  May,  1858,  Griswold  began  writing  under  the 
nom  de  plume  of  "The  Fat  Contributor."  His 
humor  was  racy  and  original,  and  he  was  classed 
among  the  leading  fun  makers  of  the  day.  He 
went  to  Detroit  in  the  autumn  of  1858,  and 
accepted  a  position  on  the  Advertiser.  A  year 
later  he  removed  his  talents  to  Cleveland,  where 
he  labored  in  the  office  of  the  Plain  Dealer,  pub- 
lished by  Hon.  W.  W.  Armstrong.  He  succeeded 
Artemus  Ward  as  assistant  editor,  and  during  the 


114         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

early  part  of  the  war  he  wrote  many  patriotic  and 
ringing  editorials.  After  a  brief  season  on  the 
Cleveland  Leader,  "Gris  "  removed  to  Cincinnati, 
and  in  1863  became  a  member  of  the  staff  of  the 
Evening  Times,  which  position  he  continued  to 
hold  for  nearly  ten  years. 

In  the  latter  part  of  1872,  in  company  with 
others,  he  began  the  publication  of  the  Cincinnati 
Saturday  Night,  a  journal  which  now  enjoys  a  pros- 
perous existence.  He  became  the  sole  proprietor 
of  the  paper  in  1874,  and  was  for  some  years  as- 
sisted in  his  labors  by  his  wife,  a  lady  of  numerous 
scholarly  attainments. 

Griswold  resides  in  a  quiet,  out-of-the-way  street, 
just  off  the  busy  thoroughfares  of  the  Queen  City 
of  the  West,  and  lives  in  a  retired,  happy  manner. 
During  later  years  he  has  occasionally  made  a  lect- 
ure tour,  delivering  his  famous  lecture,  Injun 
Meal,  and  others  to  delighted  audiences. 

'  Artemus  Ward  and  Griswold  were  the  best  of 
friends,  and  the  "Fat  Contributor"  tells  many  an- 
ecdotes of  his  experience  in  the  world  alongside 
of  Browne.  Speaking  of  Artemus*  Ward,  in  a 
humorous  way,  Griswold  once  said  in  a  humorous 
•article : 

"When,  in  1863,  Ward  conceived  the  idea  of 
making  a  lecture  tour  through  California — a  great 
undertaking  in  those  days — he  offered  me,  to  ac- 


A.    MINER    GRISWOLD.  115 

company  him  as  agent,  a  salary  that  would  cause 
the  insignificant  pay  of  a  Cleveland  local  to  blush 
with  shame.  Not  knowing  that  lecturers,  and 
especially  humorists,  have  a  way  of  engaging 
every  man  as  agent  who  professes  a  desire  to  travel, 
I  made  all  preparations  to  go,  resigned  my  situa- 
tion, and  anxiously  awaited  my  summons. 

As  I  waited,  various  articles  were  sold  to  pay 
expenses.  I  ate  my  stove  I  remember,  and  I 
think  I  drank  up  my  bureau,  At  length,  when 
nearly  everything  had  gone,  I  believe  that  Ward 
had  gone,  too,  taking  another  agent.  I  was  natur- 
ally incensed,  and  resolved  that  there  would  be  a 
severe  settlement  when  next  we  met  I  rehearsed 
the  anticipated  scene  frequently,  and  resolved  how 
I  would  go  to  work  and  annihilate  him. 

"Our  meeting  was  in  New  York  in  July,  1864. 
I  had  heard  of  his  return  from  California,  and  pre- 
pared to  empty  the  vials  of  wrath  upon  his  head. 
We  accidentally  ran  against  each  other  on  Broad- 
way. My  slumbering  indignation  flamed  up  at 
once.  I  thought  of  the  cooking  stove  I  had  de- 
voured, and  the  various  articles  of  household  fur- 
niture I  drank  up,  and  was  about  to  go  for  him 
when  Ward  suddenly  rushed  forward,  and,  grasp- 
ing me  warmly  by  the  hand,  exclaimed : 

' '  '  Why,  Gris. ,  old  boy,  how  are  you  ?  When 
did  you  get  back  from  California  ?  ' 


Il6  FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

"As  I  looked  at  him,  speechless  with  amaze- 
ment, he  continued:  'They  told  me  you  came 
home  around  the  "horn,"  but  I  never  knew  you 
to  go  around  a  horn  yet — join  me  !  ' 

' '  Now  Ward  had  a  -very  persuasive  way  of  lock- 
ing his  arm  in  with  another's,  and  in  a  momentary 
fit  of  weakness,  I  went  along. 

"  '  Ward  ! '  said  I  sternly,  '  I  owe  you  a  licking 
on  account  of  .the  California  agency  business,  but 
will  put  it  off  until  we  drink. ' 

"'Put  it  off  as  long  as  you  want  to,'  replied 
Ward,  in  a  tone  of  generous  accommodation,  as 
though  I  was  speaking  about  returning  him  a  loan. 
'  If  you  owe  me  a  licking,  pay  me  when  you  get 
ready.  I  am  in  no  hurry.  Don't  care  if  you 
never  pay  it. ' 

"  Numerous  jwere  the  unavailing  efforts  that  I 
made  to  bring  Ward  to  a  settlement.  When  I 
would  commence :  '  Now,  Artemus,  how  about 
that  California  business  ?  '  he  would  interrupt — 
'  Oh,  never  mind  that  whipping.  No  hurry  at  all. 
Send  it  to  me  through  the  mail — or  telegraph  it. 
Let's  drink. ' 

' '  I  have  got  even  with  Browne,  however,  in  a 
measure — I  have  engaged  a  number  of  agents  my- 
self." < 


BILL    NYE.  II/ 


BILL  NYE. 

Away  out  in  the  wilds  of  Wyoming  Territory, 
in  the  fast  growing  city  of  Laramie,  dwells  one  of 
the  most  noted  funny  men  of  to-day.  Bill  Nye  is 
a  modest  looking  name,  and  at  first  sight  looks 
like  a  nom  de  plume;  yet  Bill  Nye  is  the  ' '  only 
and  original"  of  that  name.  He  is  a  young  man, 
and  has  been  in  the  journalistic  profession  only 
three  or  four  years.  He  began  work  on  the  Lara- 
mie City  Boomerang,  and  is  at  present  the  managing 
editor  of  that  publication.  The  Boomerang  is  a 
newspaper  of  metropolitan  proportions,  and  issues 
both  daily  and  weekly  editions. 

Bill  Nye  has,  during  the  past  two  years,  written 
a  larger  quantity  and  a  better  quality  of  first-class, 
genuine  humor,  than  any  other  funny  man  in 
America.  He  is  widely  quoted,  and  has  issued 
one  book  entitled,  Bill  Nye  and  his  Mule  Boome- 
rang. This  volume  was  issued  in  Chicago  in  1881, 
and  had  a  tremendous  sale.  Like  others  of  his 
class,  Nye  is  modest,  and  prefers  to  relate  to  the 


Ug  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

awaiting  world  his  own  misfortunes,  in  his    own 
peculiar  style.      He  writes  as  follows : 

"Mv  DEAR  CLEMENS:  I  herein  make  a  few 
brief  statements,  which  you  are  at  liberty  to  enlarge 
upon  in  such  a  way  as  to  give  my  life  that  odor  of 
holy  calm  and  unblemished  smirchlessness  which 
will  sound  well  in  history. 

"I  was  born  on  the  25th  day  of  August,  A.  D., 
1850,  somewhere  in  the  State  of  Maine.  I  do  not 
remember  where.  It  was  either  along  the  Atlantic 
seaboard,  or  on  the  Kennebec  river,  and  the  exact 
spot  has  escaped  my  memory.  As  soon  as  I  could 
walk  I  left  Maine  and  came  west,  where  I  have 
been  for  about  thirty  years. 

' '  Looking  over  my  whole  eventful  career,  I  see 
nothing  to  regret,  except  the  fact  that  I  was  born 
in  Maine.  Probably  the  State  of  Maine  regrets  it 
as  much  as  I  do." 

"  My  early  childhood  was  spent  in  acquiring 
knowledge  relative  to  the  habits  and  movements 
of  the  bumble-bee  and  the  water-melon. 

"There  is  nothing  in  particular,  perhaps,  to 
distinguish  my  youth  from  that  of  other  em- 
inent men.  I  did  not  study  the  Greek  gram- 
mar by  the  light  of  a  pine  knot  when  I  was  a 
child.  I  did  not  think  about  it.  Had  I  sup- 
posed that  I  would  ever  rise  to  the  proud  pinnacle 
of  fame,  I  might  have  filled  my  system  full  of  de- 


BILL    NYE.  lip 

ceased  languages,  but  as  it  was,  I  thought  I  was 
in  luck  to  acquire  sufficient  education  to  last  me 
from  one  meal  to  another. 

' '  I  did  not  do  any  smart  things  as  a  child.  It  re- 
mained for  later  years  to  bring  out  the  latent  genius 
and  digestive  strength  which  I  now  possess.  I  did 
not  graduate  first  in  my  class.  I  did  not  rise  to 
distinction  in  two  weeks.  I  did  not  dazzle  the 
civilized  world  with  my  sterling  ability.  I  just 
plugged  along  from  day  to  day,  and  when  I  had 
an  afternoon  to  myself  it  did  not  occur  to  me  that 
I  might  read  Horace,  or  Cicero,  or  the  dictionary. 
I  fooled  away  those  priceless  moments  carrying 
water  to  the  elephant,  so  that  I  could  acquire 
information  at  the  circus. 

"My  journalistic  career  has  been  short,  but  full 
of  interest.  Though  only  covering  a'  space  of 
three  or  four  years,  it  has  been  rich  in  amusement 
and  gory  personal  encounter. 

"  The  West  is  well  known  as  the  home  of  fearless 
and  deadly  journalism.  It  brings  out  all  there  is 
in  a  man  and  throws  him  upon  his  own  resources. 
It  also  throws  him  down  stairs  if  he  is  not  con- 
stantly on  his  guard. 

"la  man  attorney  by  profession  and  a  newspaper 
man  by  force  of  circumstances.  I  am  married  and 
have  been  for  five  years.  I  do  not  regret  this 
step. 


I2O  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

"  I  am  six  feet  high,  of  commanding  appearance, 
and  would  be  selected  in  any  audience  as  a  man 
who  would  not  rob  an  overland  train  while  there 
was  anyone  looking. 

"I  am  in  robust  health,  with  the  exception  of  a 
corn,  which  I  inherited  from  the  old  stock  of 
Nyes,  who  first  invaded  the  free  lunch  counters  of 
of  Skouhegan,  Maine. 

"To  any  one  who  is  curious  to  investigate  my 
career  while  in  the  West,  I  would  say  that  I  cheer- 
fully refer  them  to  any  vigilance  committee  of  this 
section. 

"  If  I  can  throw  any  more  light  on  this  delicate 
topic,  or  should  the  public  care  for  a  fuller  diag- 
nosis, I  am  always  at  your  service. 

•   BILL  NYE. 

"  LARAMIE  CITY,  Wyoming,  January  27,  1882." 

There  is  no  doubt  that  during  later  years  Bill 
Nye  has  been  more  extensively  copied  than  any 
other  humorist  of  the  day.  Among  the  hundreds 
of  good  things  he  has  produced,  I  select  a  few  of 
the  most  touching  and  pathetic : 

THE    ENGLISH    JOKE. 

The  average  English  joke  has  its  peculiarities. 
A  sort  of  mellow  distance,  a  kind  of  chastened 
reluctance,  a  coy  and  timid,  yet  trusting,  though 


BILL    NYE.  121 

evanescent  intangibility  which  softly  lingers  in  the 
troubled  air,  and  lulls  the  tired  senses  to  dreamy 
rest,  like  the  subdued  murmur  of  a  hoarse  jackass 
about  nine  miles  up  the  gulch.  He  must  be  a 
hardened  wretch  indeed,  who  has  not  felt  his 
bosom  heave  and  the  scalding  tears  steal  down  his 
furrowed  cheek  after  he  has  read  an  English  joke. 
There  can  be  no  hope  for  the  man  who  has  not 
been  touched  by  the  gentle,  pleading,  yet  all 
potent,  sadness  embodied  in  the  humorous  para- 
graph of  the  true  Englishman.  One  may  fritter 
away  his  existence  in  chasing  follies  of  our  day 
and  generation,  and  have  naught  to  look  back 
upon  but  a  choice  assortment  of  robust  regrets, 
but  if  he  will  stop  in  his  mad  career  to  read  an 
English  pun,  his  attention  will  be  called  to  the 
solemn  thought  that  life  is,  after  all,  but  a  tearful 
journey  to  the  tomb.  Death  and  disaster  on  every 
hand  may  fail  to  turn  the  minds  of  a  thoughtless 
world  to  serious  matters,  but  when  the  London 
funny  man  grapples  with  a  particularly  skittish 
and  evasive  joke,  with  its  weeping  willow  attach- 
ment, and  hurls  it  at  a  giddy  and  reckless  human- 
ity, a  prolonged  wail  of  anguish  goes  up  from 
broken  hearts  and  a  sombre  pall  hangs  in  the 
gladsome  sky  like  a  pair  of  soldier  pants  with 
only  one  suspender. 


122  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

MR.    NYE    EMBARRASSED. 

There  was  an  entertainment  at  Laramie  a  few 
evenings  ago,  at  which  the  guests  appeared  in 
such  costumes  as  their  taste  suggested.  The  fol- 
lowing will  give  some  idea  of  the  occasion : 

Mr.  Nye  wore  a  Prince  Albert  coat  with  tails 
caught  back  with  red  jeans,  and  home  made  sun- 
flowers. He  also  wore  a ,  pair  of  velvet  knee 
breeches,  which,  during  the  evening,  in  an  un- 
guarded moment,  split  up  the  side  about  nine  feet. 
This,  together  with  the  fact  that  one  of  his  long 
black  stockings  got  caught  on  the  top  of  a  window 
cornice,  tearing  a  small  hole  in  it,  letting  out  the 
saw-dust  and  baled  hay  with  which  he  was  made 
up,  seemed  to  cast  a  gloom  over  the  countenance 
of  this  particular  guest  With  one  large  volup- 
tuous calf,  and  the  other  considerably  attenuated, 
Mr.  Nye  seemed  more  or  less  embarrassed. 


JOSEPH    C.    NEAL.  123 


JOSEPH  C.   NEAL. 

A  series  of  humorous  descriptive  articles,  Known 
as  Charcoal  Sketches,  appeared  in  1837  m  a  Phila- 
delphia newspaper.  They  became  famous,  and  for 
years  their  author  was  noted  as  a  leading  Amer- 
ican humorist  Joseph  C.  Neal,  the  author  of  the 
Charcoal  Sketches,  was  born  on  the  third  day  of 
February,  1807,  in  the  town  of  Greenland,  New 
Hampshire.  t  His  father  had  for  many  years  beer, 
the  principal  of  a  popular  academy  in  Philadelphia, 
but  his  health  failing  him,  he  was  compelled  to  re- 
tire to  a  country  residence  at  Greenland,  where, 
along  with  his  other  duties,  he  officiated  as  pastor 
in  the  Congregational  church  of  the  village. 

When  the  subject  of  this  sketch  was  two  years 
old  his  father  died,  and  the  family  soon  after  re- 
moved to  Philadelphia,  and  thence  to  Pottsville, 
in  the  same  State.  Mr.  Neal  resided  here  until 
1831,  when  he  settled  in  Philadelphia,  and  assumed 
the  duties  of  editor  of  the  Pennsylvanian,  a  journal 
which  became  very  popular,  and  conspicuous  for 
its  influence  on  the  political  character  of  the  State. 


124  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

It  was  in  the  office  of  this  journal  that  the  elder 
James  Gordon  Bennett  passed  a  portion  of  his 
early  years  in  journalism. 

For  nearly  ten  years  Mr.  Neal  devoted  his  tal- 
ents to  the  Pennsylvanian,  but  at  length  his  health 
failed  him,  and  in  1841  he  went  abroad,  trav- 
eling in  Europe  and  Africa  for  nearly  two  years. 
In  1844  he  retired  from  the  editorial  chair  of  the 
Pennsylvanian,  and  established  in  the  autumn  of 
the  same  year  a  weekly  literary  miscellany,  under 
the  title  of  Neal's  Saturday  Gazette.  Neal's  repu- 
tation as  a  writer  secured  for  the  Gazette  an  im- 
mediate and  continued  success. 

Joseph  C.  Neal's  humorous  sketches  of  that 
character  for  which  he  afterwards  became  distin- 
guished, first  appeared  in  the  Pennsylvanian  under 
the  title  of  "City  Worthies."  These  sketches 
were  reprinted  and  praised  in  hundreds  of  Amer- 
ican newspapers.  In  1837  he  published  Charcoal 
Sketches,  or  Scenes  in  a  Metropolis.  In  these 
sketches  he  drew  from  life  a  class  of  characters 
peculiar  to  the  lower  classes  and  Disreputable 
haunts  in  large  cities.  The  appearance  of  the 
sketches  in  book  form  was  hailed  with  delight, 
and  several  large  editions  were  readily  disposed  of. 
The  work  was  also  republished  in  London  under 
the  auspices  of  Charles  Dickens,  who  took  a  great 
interest  in  the  American  humorist  and  his  works. 


JOSEPH    C.    NEAL.  12$ 

In  1844  Mr.  Neal  issued  his  second  book,  Peter 
PJocldy  and  Other  Oddities,  and  soon  after,  another 
and  newer  series  of  Charcoal  Sketches.  Both 
of  these  books  commanded  a  large  and  ready 
sale.  Neal  continued  to  edit  the  Saturday 
Gazette  until  July  3,  1848,  when  he  died  very 
suddenly  at  his  home  in  Philadelphia,  of  a  com- 
plication of  diseases.  His  widow  published  a 
second  and  revised  edition  of  his  works  some  years 
after  his  death. 

Soon  after  his  death,  R.  W.  Griswold,  in  his 
Prose  Writers  of  America,  said  of  Mr.  Neal:  "He 
writes  as  if  he  had  little  or  no  sympathy  with  his 
creations,  and  as  if  he  were  a  calm  spectator  of 
acts  and  actors,  whimsical  or  comical, — an  observer 

rather  by  accident  than  from  desire 

His  style  is  compact  and  pointed,  abounding  in 
droll  combinations  and  peculiar  phrases,  which 
have  the  ease  and  naturalness  of  transcripts  of  real 
conversations.  He  had  too  much  good  nature  to 
be  caustic,  and  too  much  refinement  to  be  coarse. 
In  some  of  his  sketches  he  exhibits  not  only  a 
happy  faculty  for  the  burlesque,  and  singular  skill 
in  depicting  character,  but  a  generality  and  hearti- 
ness of  appreciation  which  carry  the  reader's  feel- 
ings along  with  his  fancy." 

The  following  selection  from  Peter  Ploddy  will 
tend  to  show  Mr.  Neal's  peculiar  style  of  writing: 


126  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

'"Common  people,  Billy — low,  common  people, 
can't  make  it  out  when  nature  raised  a  gentleman 
in  the  family— a  gentleman  all  complete,  only  the 
money's  been  forgot.  If  a  man  won't  work  all 
the  time — day  in  and  day  out — if  he  smokes  by  the 
fire,  or  whistles  out  of  the  winder,  the  very  gals 
bump  agin  him,  and  say,  ' '  Git  out  of  the  way, 
loaf!" 

' ' '  But,  Billy,  my  son,  never  mind,  and  keep  not  a 
lettin'  on,"  continued  Nollikens,  and  a  beam  of  hope 
irradiated  his  otherwise  Saturnine  countenance; 
"the  world's  a  railroad,  and  the  cars  is  comin' 
— all  we'll  have  to  do  is  to  jump  in,  chalked  free. 
There  will  be  a  time — something  must  happen. 
Rich  widders  are  about  yet,  though  they  are 
snapped  up  so  fast.  Rich  widders,  Billy,  are 
"special  providences,"  as  my  old  boss  used  to  say 
when  I  broke  my  nose  in  the  entry,  sent  here  like 
rafts  to  pick  up  deservin'  chaps  when  they  can't 
swim  no  longer.  When  you've  bin  down  twy'st, 
Billy,  and  are  jist  off  agin,  then  comes  the  widder 
afloatin'  along.  Why,  splatter  docks  is  nothin' 
to  it,  and  a  widder  is  the  best  of  all  life-preservers, 
when  a  man  is  most  a  case,  like  you  and  me. ' 

' '  Wall,  I'm  not  perticklar,  not  I,  nor  never  was. 
I'll  take  a  widder,  for  my  part,  if  she's  got  the 
mint  drops,  and  never  ask  no  questions.  I'm  not 
proud — never  was  harrystocratic — I  drinks  with 


JOSEPH    C.    NEAL.  12; 

anybody,  and  smokes  all  the  cigars  they  give  me. 
What's  the  use  of  bein'  stuck  up,  stiffy  ?  It's  my 
principle  that  other  folks  are  nearly  as  good  as 
me,  if  they're  not  constables  nor  aldermen.  I 
can't  stand  them  sort.' 

"  'No,  Billy,'  said  Nollikens,  with  an  encourag- 
ing smile,  '  no,  Billy,  such  indiwidooals  as  them 
don't  know  human  natur' — but,  as  I  was  agoin  to 
say,  if  there  happens  to  be  a  short  crop  of  wid- 
ders,  why  can't  somebody  leave  us  a  fortin? — that 
will  do  as  well  if  not  better.  Now  look  here — 
what's  easier  than  this  ?  I'm  standin'  on  the 
wharf — the  rich  man  tries  to  go  aboard  of  the 
steamboat — the  niggers  push  him  off  the  plank — 
in  I  jumps,  ca-splash !  The  old  gentleman  isn't 
drowned  ;  but  he  might  have  been  drowned  but 
for  me,  and  if  he  had  a  bin,  where's  the  use  of 
his  money  then  ?  So  he  gives  me  as  much  as  I 
want  now,  and  a  great  deal  more  when  he  defuncts 
riggler,  accordin'  to  law  and  the  practice  of  civil- 
ized nations.  You  see — that's  the  way  the  thing 
works.  I'm  at  the  wharf  every  day — can't  afford 
to  lose  a  chance,  and  I  begin  to  wish  the  old  chap 
would  hurry  about  comin'  along.  What  can  keep 
him  ? ' 

"  '  If  it  'ud  come* to  the  same  thing  in  the  end,' 
remarked  Billy  Bunkers,  '  I'd  rather  the  niggers 
would  push  the  old  man's  little  boy  into  the  water, 


128  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

if  it's  all  the  same  to  him.  Them  fat  old  fellers 
are  so  heavy  when  they're  skeered,  and  hang  on 
so — why  I  might  get  drowned  before  I  had  time 
to  go  to  the  bank  with  the  check  !  But  what's  the 
use  of  waitin'  ?  Couldn't  we  shove  'em  in  some 
warm  afternoon  ourselves  ?  Who'd  know  in  the 
crowd  ? ' 

"  '  I've  thought  of  that,  Bunkers,  when  a  man 
was  before  me  who  looked  the  right  sort, — but, 
Billy,  there  might  be  mistakes — perhaps,  when  you 
got  him  out,  he  couldn't  pay.  What  then  ?  ' 

"  '  Why,  keep  puttin  new  ones  to  soak  every  day, 
till  you  fish  up  the  right  one. ' 

"  '  It  won't  do, — my  friend — they'd  smoke  the 
joke — all  the  riffraff  in  town  would  be  pushin'  old 
gentlemen  into  the  river,  and  the  elderly  folks 
would  have  to  give  up  travelin'  by  the  steamboat. 
We  must  wait  till  the  real  thing  happens.  The 
right  person  will  be  sure  to  come  along. ' 

;  '  I  hope  so  ;  and  so  it  happens  quick,  I  don't 
much  care  whether  the  old  man,  his  little  boy,  or 
the  rich  widder  gets  the  ducking.  I'm  not  proud. ' 
'  Then  you'll  see  me  come  the  nonsense  over 
the  old  folks — who's  loafer  now  ? — and  my  dog 
will  bite  their  cat — who's  ginger  pop,  and  jam 
spruce  beer,  at  this  present  -writin',  I'd  like  to 
know  ? ' 

"Thus,  wrapped  in  present  dreams  and  future  an- 


JOSEPH    C.    NEAL.  1 29 

ticipations — a  king  that  is  to  be — lives  Nicholas 
Nollikens — the  grand  exemplar  of  the  corner 
loungers.  Nicholas  and  his  tribe  exist  but  for  to- 
morrow, and  rely  firmly  on  that  poetic  justice, 
which  should  reward  those  who  wait  patiently  un- 
til the  wheel  of  fortune  turns  up  a  prize." 


FAMOUS    FUNNY   FELLOWS. 


GEORGE  H.  DERBY. 

"Before  'John  Phoenix'  there  was  scarcely  any 
American  humorist — not  of  the  distinctly  literary 
sort — with  whom  one  could  smile  and  keep  one's 
self  respect,"  says  William  Dean  Howells,  the 
novelist,  in  a  recent  magazine  article.  This  may 
indeed  be  true,  but  there  were  others  in  the  time 
of  George  H.  Derby,  better  known  by  his  nom  dc 
plume  of  John  Phoenix,  who  were  of  the  same 
school  of  humorists,  yet  they  were  far  inferior  as 
wits.  Derby,  had  he  lived,  would  have  become  per- 
haps one  of  the  leading  humorists  of  the  country. 
As  it  was,  he  was  known  to  the  public  as  a  humor- 
ous writer  for  only  a  few  years  before  his  death. 

George  H.  Derby  was  born  of  poor  but  well 
educated  parents  in  Norfolk  county,  Massachus- 
etts, in  1823.  Little  is  known  of  his  boyhood  or 
early  life.  He  entered  the  West  Point  military 
academy  while  yet  a  youth,  and  graduated  from 
that  institution  in  1846.  The  same  year  he  be- 
came engaged  in  the  war  with  Mexico  and  con- 
tinued in  the  field  during  the  larger  part  of  the 
year  following.  He  was  present  at  the  battle  of 


GEORGE    H.     DERBY.  131. 

Vera  Cruz  and  Cerro  Gordo,  and  was  made  brevet 
first  lieutenant  at  the  former  place.  He  received 
a  severe  wound  during  the  latter  engagement. 
He  remained  with  the  regular  army  at  the  close 
of  the  war,  and  was  sent  upon  various  surveys  and 
expeditions  from  1847  to  1852.  During  the  two 
years  following  the  last  named  date,  Derby  was 
engaged  on  the  improvement  of  San  Diego,  Cali- 
fornia, harbor,  and  the  next  year  he  was  on  the 
staff  of  the  commanding  general  and  had  charge 
of  the  military  roads,  department  of  the  Pacific. 
In  1856  he  was  on  the  coast  survey,  and  in  the 
two  years  following  was  light-house  engineer. 

While  sojourning  on  the  Pacific  coast  Derby 
first  began  writing  for  the  San  Francisco  papers 
and  magazines.  His  contributions  consisted  mainly 
of  humorous  sketches  written  under  the  signature 
of  John  Phoenix.  These  sketches  attracted  gen- 
eral attention  among  the  Pacific  States,  and  in 
1855  were  published  in  book  form  under  the  title 
of  Phoenixiana,  or  Sketches  and  Burlesques.  The 
book  was  well  received,  and  ten  or  twelve  editions 
were  exhausted.  Four  years  later  a  second  volume 
was  issued  under  the  title  of  Squibob  Papers. 
This  volume  also  met  with  a  large  and  ready  sale. 
Early  in  1861  Derby  took  up  his  residence  in  New 
York,  and  produced  a  number  of  humorous 
sketches  which  were  never  published  in  book  form. 


J32  FAMOUS    FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

He  died  suddenly  on  the  i$th  of  May,  1861,  at  the 
age  of  thirty-eight.  Although  young  in  years  and 
not  having  reached  the  acme  of  his  fame,  his  work 
still  lives  and  is  recognized  as  one  of  the  most 
prominent  species  of  American  humor. 

Derby's  humor  is  something  like  that  of  Arte- 
mus  Ward,  yet  it  is  peculiarly  original  and  is  vastly 
different  from  the  writings  of  the  so-called  funny 
men  of  the  present  day.  Among  the  many  good 
things  from  Derby's  pen  are  the  following : 
LATE. 

Passing  by  one  of  our  doggeries  about  3  A.  M. 
the  other  morning,  from  which  proceeded  "a. 
sound  of  revelry  by  night,"  a  hapless  stranger  on 
his  homeward  way  paused  to  obtain  a  slight  re- 
freshment, and  to  the  host  he  said :  "It  appears 
to  me  your  visitors  are  rather  late  to-night"  "  Oh, 
no,"  replied  the  worthy  landlord,  "the  boys  of 
San  Diego  generally  run  for  forty-eight  hours, 
stranger ;  it 's  a  little  late  for  night  before  last,  but 
for  to-night!  why,  it's  just  in  the  shank  of  the 
evening."  Volumes  could  not  have  said  more. 

FOR  SALE. 

A  valuable  law  library,  lately  the  property  of  a 
distinguished  legal  gentleman  of  San  Francisco,  who 
who  has  given  up  practice  and  removed  to  the 
Farralone  Islands.  It  consists  of  one  volume  of 


GEORGE    H.    DERBY.  133 

"Hoyle's  Games,"  complete  and  may  be  seen  at 
this  office 

WANTED. 

Back  numbers  of  the  Democratic  Review, 
speeches  and  writings  of  Jefferson,  Coffroth,  Cal- 
houn,  Bigler,  Van  Buren  and  others.  Copies  of 
the  San  Joaquin  Republican,  files  of  the  Times 
and  Transcript  (a  few  at  a  time),  and  a  diagram 
representing  the  construction  of  the  old  United 
States  bank,  for  the  use  of  a  young  man  desirous 
of  turning  Democrat.  Apply  at  this  office  (by 
firing  a  gun,  or  punching  on  the  ceiling,  he  being 
deeply  engaged  in  study  in  the  garret),  to 

J.  PHOENIX. 

AN  EPITAPH. 

This  is  all,  but  I  writ  at  the  time  a  epitaff  which 
I  think  is  short,  and  would  do  to  go  over  his  grave: 

Here  lies  the  body  of  James  Hambrick 

Who  was  accidentally  shot 
On  the  banks  of  the  Peacus  river 

By  a  young  man. 

He  was  accidentally  shot  with  one  of  the  large  sized 
Colt's  revolvers  with  no  stopper  for  the  cock  to  rest 
on  it  was  one  of  the  old  fashion  kind  brass  mounted 
and  of  such  is  the  kingdom  of  Heaven. 


134  FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 


GEORGE  W.  PECK. 

A  common-sized-mustache-and-goatee  young 
man  is  George  W.  Peck,  of  Milwaukee,  Wiscon- 
sin. He  is  rather  a  handsome  chap,  and  just  after 
he  has  left  the  barber's  chair  he  looks  for  all  the 
world  like  a  military  officer.  However,  he  looks 
like  a  common  citizen  when  Saturday  night 
comes  around,  and  he  has  not  been  shaved  for 
several  days.  Peck  has  attained  quite  a  reputa- 
tion as  a  humorist,  through  the  columns  of  his 
paper,  Peck's  Sun.  Though  only  established,  as 
a  weekly  journal  with  a  humorous  foundation, 
something  over  two  years,  the  Sun  has  already 
a  circulation  of  twenty  thousand  copies,  and  is  rap- 
idly increasing. 

George  W.  Peck  is  a  ready  writer,  and  takes 
more  to  the  narrative  style  than  paragraphing. 
His  paper  is  well  liked  among  his  fellow  humorists, 
and  is  widely  quoted.  Peck  is  still  a  compara- 
tively young  man,  and  is  "fair,  fat,  and  thirty." 
He  is  one  of  the  few  newspaper  men  who  are 
bashful  by  nature,  as  the  following  letter  plainly 
shows : 


GEORGE   W.    PECK.  135 

"  I  do  not  believe  the  time  has  arrived  when  the 
American  people  are  consumed  with  a  desire  to 
know  where  I  was  born,  how  old  I  am,  or  any  of 
the  particulars  of  an  uneventful  life.  If  I  should 
ever  become  of  so  much  importance,  which  is 
hardly  liable  to  be  the  case,  while  you  and  I  live, 
I  will  resurrect  the  necessary  data  from  the  orphan 
asylum,  the  reform  farm,  the  State  prison,  and 
other  places  of  that  kind,  too  numerous  to  men- 
tion. At  the  present  time  I  think  it  is  a  charity 
to  spare  the  people.  Whatever  you  do,  please  do 
not  call  me  funny.  If  you  do,  it  is  very  evident 
that  you  do  not  know  me. 

' '  Yours  truly, 

GEORGE  W.  PECK." 

Here  is  one  of  Mr.  Peck's  recent  paragraphs : 
' '  Those  who  take  the  Sun  take  it  for  the  fun  there 
is  in  it,  and  we  feel  a  confounded  sight  funnier  if 
we  are  making  something  than  if  we  are  losing. 
We  are  too  old  to  work  for  glory,  and  too  lazy  to 
work  for  fun." 

In  a  recent  article  in  the  Sun,  Mr.  Peck  dis- 
courses as  follows  on  the 

PECULIARITIES    OF    THEATRICAL    SUPES. 

About  the  most  laughable  thing  around  a 
theatre  is  the  "supes."  However  funny  a  play 
may  be,  the  actions  of  the  supes  are  funnier 


136         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

than  the  comedians.  Men  may  act  as  supes  for 
twenty  years,  and  they  can  never  come  on  the 
stage  without  appearing  awkward  and  falling  all 
over  themselves.  The  actors  tell  them  where  to 
stand,  and  they  get  into  another  place.  They 
act  as  if  they  expected  to  be  stabbed  and  they 
cannot  appear  natural  to  save  them.  Take  a  far 
western  scene,  where  they  want  a  lot  of  miners  in 
a  bar-room  to  take  a  drink.  One  would  think  fel- 
lows who  are  in  bar-rooms  a  dozen  times  a  day 
would  know  how  to  act,  but  they  don't.  They 
all  go  up  to  the  bar  in  a  crowd,  and  fall  around, 
and  then  take  tin  cups  of  alleged  whiskey  and 
stare  at  vacancy  until  told  to  sit  down,  and  then 
they  all  try  to  sit  down  on  the  same  chair.  When 
they  are  wanted  for  a  scene  in  the  Roman  forum, 
they  get  on  the  red  night-gowns  and  walk  around 
toeing  in,  and  walking  knock-kneed,  making  the 
sickest  lot  of  Roman  citizens  that  ever  robbed  a 
hen  roost.  It  is  a  singular  coincidence  that  a  supe 
always  has  a  black  patch  on  the  seat  of  a  pair  of 
gray  pants.  Where  in- the  world  they  all  get  gray 
pants,  and  why  they  don't  have  gray  patches  on 
them,  is  more  than  anybody  can  find  out.  Let  a 
couple  of  supes  come  on  the  stage  to  remove  a 
table,  and  they  will  have  those  patches  dead  sure, 
and  they  will  arrange  to  stand  with  the  patches  to 
the  audience.  They  probably  reason  that  their 


GEORGE    W.    PECK.  137 

faces  are  liable  to  betray  emotion,  or  that  they  may 
blush,  but  that  the  patches  can  maintain  a  stern  and 
dignified  demeanor  under  the  most  trying  circum- 
stances of  guying  and  cat-calls  on  the  part  of  the 
gallery  boys.  Female  supes  are  even  worse  than 
men  in  stubbing  their  toes  on  the  carpet,  or  back- 
ing against  the  wings.  They  are  hired  to  come 
on  to  fill  up  a  scene  at  half  a  dollar  a  night,  and 
they  usually  wear  octagon  shaped  tights,  with 
more  bran  than  legs,  and  it  is  painful  to  see  them 
stand  around.  But  they  get  confidence  in  them- 
selves quicker  than  men,  and  they  want  to  star 
after  appearing  one  or  two  times.  The  supe  busi- 
ness has  lots  of  fun  in  it. 


138  FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 


ALEXANDER  EDWIN  SWEET. 

Texas  is  known  to  be  the  largest  State  in  the 
Union,  yet  in  all  the  vast  territory  there  resides 
but  one  genuine  humorist.  Alexander  Edwin 
Sweet  is  the  proud  possessor  of  that  title.  Dur- 
ing the  last  few  years  the  Texas  Siftings  has  been 
universally  quoted  and  ranked  "A  I  "  among  the 
funny  papers  of  this  country.  It  is  needless  to 
state  in  this  connection  that  Alexander  E.  Sweet 
is  one  of  the  editors  of  Siftings. 

Mr.  Sweet  is  a  Canadian  by  birth,  an  American 
by  adoption,  and  a  paragrapher  and  funny  man 
by  instinct.  He  was  born  in  St.  Johns,  New  Bruns- 
wick, March  28,  1841.  His  father  was  James  R. 
Sweet,  a  well-known  and  prosperous  merchant  of 
that  city.  As  early  as  1 849  young  Sweet  removed 
with  his  parents  to  San  Antonio,  Texas.  His 
education  was  obtained  at  College  Hill,  Pough- 
keepsie,  New  York,  in  1857  and  1858.  The  next 
year  he  went  to  Europe  and  entered  the  Polytech- 
nic institute  at  Carlsruhe,  Baden,  Germany.  Here 
he  studied  for  several  years,  and  in  1861  he  fell  in 


ALEXANDER    E.    SWEET. 


'39 


love  with  a  handsome  German  girl,  and  led  Miss 
Marie  Zittel  to  the  altar. 

Returning  to  America  and  to  Texas  in  1862,  he 
served  two  years  in  the  war  as  a  private  in 
company  A,  Thirty-third  regiment  of  Texas 
cavalry,  Confederate  army,  principally  on  the 
Rio  Grande,  and  in  the  Indian  nation.  At  the 
close  of  the  war  he  studied  law  in  the  office  of 
Thomas  I.  Devine.  From  the  law  Mr.  Sweet 
drifted  into  journalism,  and  in  1869  became  editor 
of  the  San  Antonio  Express.  In  1871,  he  was 
appointed  city  attorney  of  San  Antonio  by  Gov- 
ernor Davis.  Mr.  Sweet  had  as  yet  written  noth- 
ing of  note,  but  with  the  Herald  his  work  became 
widely  known.  Some  years  ago  the  Herald  sprang 
into  sudden  fame  on  account  of  the  funny  articles 
that  appeared  in  it,  descriptive  of  the  ludicrous 
side  of  life  in  Texas.  The  articles  were  copied 
far  and  wide,  and  then  they  suddenly  ceased. 

Mr.  Sweet  transferred  his  labors  to  the  Galveston 
News  and  consequently  that  journal  sprang  into 
popularity  all  over  the  country.  He  possesses 
that  peculiar  journalistic  trait  of  carrying  an  entire 
newspaper  at  the  end  of  his  pen.  His  column  of 
Siftings  in  the  News  were  widely  copied,  and  a 
New  York  journal  in  commenting  upon  them  had 
this  to  say  of  the  author :  ' '  Mr.  Sweet's  sketches, 
paragraphs  and  bon  mots  are  second  to  no  living 


1 40          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

writer  in  freshness,  originality,  sparkling  wit,  and 
refined  humor.  Mr.  Sweet  is  far  more  than  a 
humorous  writer,  as  his  brilliant  editorials  in  the 
News  from  time  to  time  will  show." 

A  year  or  two  ago,  Mr.  Sweet  sought  a  partner 
in  the  person  of  Mr.  J.  Amroy  Knox,  and  began 
the  publication  of  Texas  Siftings.  Mr.  Knox  is 
also  well  known  as  an  author,  having  written  for 
several  prominent  newspapers  and  magazines.  In 
conjunction  with  Mr.  Knox,  Alexander  E.  Sweet 
wrote  an  interesting  volume,  which  was  but 
recently  issued  from  the  press.  It  is  entitled 
Through  Texas,  or  from  the  Gulf  to  the  Rio 
Grande  on  the  back  of  a  Mexican  Mustang.  The 
book  is  a  narrative,  descriptive  and  humorous,  and 
has  commanded  a  ready  sale. 

Since  the  establishment  of  Texas  Siftings  that 
journal  has  risen  rapidly  into  public  favor,  and  is 
sold  and  read  in  every  State  in  the  union.  Mr. 
Sweet  does  the  larger  portion  of  the  humorous 
writing  for  the  paper.  The  Graphic  of  New  York 
published  a  portrait  of  the  rollicking  humorist  in 
1877,  but  time  and  a  heavy  beard  have  changed 
him  so  that  the  picture  does  not  now  resemble 
him.  He  has  a  pleasant  home,  and  surrounded 
by  his  wife  and  five  bright  children,  his  life  is  a 
most  happy  one. 


ALEXANDER    E.    SWEET.  14! 

Many  clever  articles  have  appeared  in  Texas 
Siftings,  but  none  more  clever  than  the  following : 

DOMESTIC  LIFE  IN  TEXAS. 

"It  wasn't  that!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Sanders,  in- 
dignantly "You  see,  I  didn't  say  a  word  at 
all." 

"  How'd  she  find  out,  then  ?  "  asked  one  of  the 
party. 

"  Why,  I  went  home,  and  she  asked  if  it  was 
me.  I  told  her  it  was.  Took  the  chances  on  that, 
you  know.  Then  she  asked  me  if  I'd  been  drink- 
ing. I  told  her  no.  And  there  I  stopped.  Never 
said  another  word." 

"  But  you  say  she  caught  on  somewhere.  How 
was  it?" 

"Just  a  blunder  I  made.  When  I  told  her  I 
hadn't  drank  anything  she  was  satisfied,  but  when 
I  come  to  go  to  bed,  I  put  on  my  overcoat  in- 
stead of  my  night-shirt.  That  excited  suspicion." 

DISGUSTING   GREED. 

Fitznoodle  is  an  Austin  nimrod  who  goes  out 
every  Sunday  and  brings  in  a  jack-rabbit  or  so. 
Fitznoodle  is  an  enormous  eater,  and  nobody  else 
gets  much  of  a  taste  of  the  rabbit. 

' '  I  wonder  why  nobody  gets  any  of  the  shot 
except  me,"  said  Fitznoodle,  taking  a  shot  out 
of  his  mouth. 


142          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

Because  nobody  else  gets  any  of  the  rabbit,  I 
suppose,"  responded  Mrs.  Fitznoodle,  with  telling 
sarcasm. 


SAMUEL   W.    SMALL.  143 


SAMUEL  W.  SMALL. 

The  humorous  writings  in  the  Atlanta  (Georgia) 
Constitution  have  made  that  paper  famous.  It 
has  been  quoted,  perhaps,  as  much  as  as  any  other 
daily  newspaper  in  this  country.  Among  those 
bright  journalists  employed  upon  its  editorial  staff, 
none  have  added  more  to  the  popularity  of  the 
Constitution  than  Samuel  W.  Small,  better  known 
to  his  admirers  as  "Old  Si." 

Small  was  born  in  Knoxville,  Tennessee,  in 
1851,  and  spent  his  youth  in  that  city  and  vicinity. 
In  1 86 1  he  removed  to  Georgia  with  his  parents. 
Here  he  divided  his  time  in  going  to  school  and 
loafing  around  the  depots  and  railroad  tracks.  In 
1865  he  lived  in  New  Orleans,  and  four  years  later 
he  graduated  from  the  high  school  in  that  city. 
After  his  graduation,  Samuel  was  sent  by  his 
parents  to  Henry  college,  in  Virginia,  and  he 
graduated  from  that  institution  in  1871.  He  then 
returned  to  Nashville,  began  the  study  of  law, 
and  was  admitted  to  the  bar  by  the  supreme  court 
of  Tennessee  in  1872. 


144  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

Mr.  Small  failed  to  adopt  the  law  as  his  profes- 
sion and  turned  his  entire  attention  to  journalism. 
He  first  became  a  reporter  on  the  Nashville  Repub- 
lican Banner,  but  soon  after  removed  to  Greenville, 
Tennessee  where  he  edited  a  weekly  paper,  and 
acted  as  private  secretary  to  ex-President  Johnson 
for  nearly  two  years.  The  year  1874  found  him 
in  Houston,  Texas,  still  in  the  newspaper  business. 
After  laboring  on  nearly  all  the  journals  of  Hous- 
ton, he  returned  to  Georgia  in  May,  1875.  It 
was  in  this  month  that  he  became  connected  with 
the  Atlanta  Constitution,  in  whose  columns  his 
humorous  writings  first  came  under  public  notice. 

The  humor  of  Old  Si,  his  nom  de  plume,  began 
by  his  writing  short  and  spicy  paragraphs  as  com- 
ing from  an  aged  negro.  These  grew  into  larger 
paragraphs,  and  gradually  into  lengthy  articles, 
which  were  widely  copied.  Mr.  Small  is  an  ex- 
pert stenographer  and  reports  the  official  proceed- 
ings of  the  circuit  court  of  Atlanta.  He  was  con- 
nected with  the  Constitution,  and  was  one  of  that 
journal's  most  valued  writers,  up  to  March,  1882, 
when  he  became  sole  editor  and  proprietor  of  a 
prosperous  weekly  paper  in  Florida. 

In  his  Florida  venture,  the  Jacksonville  Union, 
Old  Si  appears  as  brilliant  as  ever,  as  the  annexed 
selection  will  show : 


SAMUEL   W.    SMALL.  145 

FLORIDA  POLITICIANS  AND  ALLIGATORS. 

"I  kinder  likes  dis  sort  ob  climack!"  said  Old 
Si,  as  he  come  into  the  office  last  evening. 

"  In  what  way?" 

"Well,  I  likes  to  be  'round  whar  yer  kin  hang 
up  yer  obercoat  soon  ez  yer  buys  it  an'  set  'round  in 
yur  shurt-sleebes  jest  ez  well  on  New  Year  ez  yer 
kin  on  de  Foth  o'  July  !  " 

"That  is  pleasant." 

' '  Yes,  sah,  an'  dat's  what  meks  me  say  what  I 
do.  Bar's  plenty  ob  helth  down  heah  if  you  jess 
knows  how  to  fin'  it.  De  only  place  whar  you  kant 
fin'  it  is  in  er  allygator's  mouf!" 

"Then  your  advice  is  that  people  should  come 
to  Florida,  but  beware  of  the  alligator?" 

"  Dat's  hit !  I  ain't  got  no  use  for  'er  allygator 
hits  to  much  like  er  pollytishun — got  mo'  mouf 
dan  vittals  an'  mo'  hide  dan  honisty ! " 

And  with  this  epigram  the  old  man  bowed  him- 
self out  of  the  sanctum. 


146         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 


CHARLES  HOVT. 

Frederick  Hudson,  in  his  History  of  Journalism 
in  America,  credits  the  Boston  Post  with  having 
originated  the  column  of  funny  paragraphs  which 
are  now  seen  in  nearly  all  the  leading  newspapers 
of  the  United  States.  The  All  Sorts  column  of 
the  Post  was  started  when  that  paper  first  appeared, 
over  half  a  century  ago.  It  was  in  this  depart- 
ment that  Mrs.  Partington  and  her  son  Ike  were 
first  introduced  to  the  humor-loving  public,  and 
scores  of  writers  have  sent  forth  their  wit,  during 
the  fifty  years  past,  through  this  same  medium. 

George  F.  Babbit  began  writing  the  All  Sorts  for 
the  Post  seven  or  eight  years  ago,  but  relinquished 
the  position  a  few  years  later.  Babbitt  was  a 
graduate  of  Harvard  college,  and  his  witticisms  in 
the  Post  were  of  a  very  brilliant  character.  The 
present  "funny  man"  of  the  Post  is  Charles 
Hoyt,  better  known  to  his  Boston  friends  as 
Charley  Hoyt. 

A  well-known  Boston  journalist  in  a  recent 
article  says  of  him:  "  He  is  a  well-proportioned 


CHARLES    HOYT.  147 

man,  lithe,  active,  and  nervy  in  physique,  a  broad 
forehead,  an  open  face  on  which  candor  is  written 
in  every  feature,  bright,  restless  eyes,  firm  mouth 
and  chin,  a  clear,  ruddy  complexion,  and  a  voice  not 
loud  or  strident  but  clear  as  a  bell  in  its  enunciation. 
His  column  of  All  Sorts  in  the  Post  is  a  fine 
example  of  conscientious  paragraphing,  where 
neither  time  nor  diverse  labor  interfere  to  distract 
or  hurry  the  writer.  It  is  enjoyed  by  thousands 
every  day,  who  laugh  at  his  quaint  conceits  and 
genuine  wit." 

Hoyt  is  a  native  of  Vermont,  and  comes  of 
good,  old  Puritan  stock.  In  early  youth  he  held 
a  public  office,  being  page  in  the  State  Senate. 
In  this  school  his  intellect  was  sharpened,  and  his 
naturally  retentive  memory  gathered  together  and 
carried  away  much  which  has  been  useful  in  later 
years.  His  knowledge  of,  and  acquaintance  with, 
public  men,  is  wide  and  varied.  In  his  personal 
address  he  is  both  pleasing  and  attractive.  These 
are  both  admirable  points  in  his  favor,  consider- 
ing that  he  is  a  bachelor,  and  young  at  that 

Hoyt's  Ragbag  stories  are  very  entertaining : 
RAGBAG'S  PRACTICAL  JOKE. 

The  other  night,  after  Mr.  Ragbag  had  gone  to 
bed,  the  idea  of  a  very  funny  joke  occurred  to 
him.  It  seemed  so  funny  that  he  went  into  a 
paroxysm  of  laughter,  and  twisted  and  squirmed 


148         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

so  that  he  pulled  the  bed  clothes  all  out  at  the 
foot  and  had  to  get  out  to  tuck  them  in  again,  and 
got  awful  cold,  and  made  as  much  noise  as  to 
awaken  his  wife  in  the  next  room,  and  she,  on 
hearing  the  cause  of  the  commotion,  told  Ragbag 
he  was  a  fool  and  advised  him  to  go  to  bed.  He 
did  so,  but  lay  awake  half  the  night  thinking  of 
the  joke,  and  the  next  morning  Ragbag  hastily 
swallowed  his  breakfast,  and  hastened  out  on  the 
street  to  play  his  joke.  The  first  man  he  met  was 
Gallagher.  Gallagher's  business  compels  him  to 
carry  about  one  hundred  keys,  and  Ragbag  knew 
this.  Gallagher  was  just  the  man  Ragbag  wanted 
to  see.  Rushing  up  to  Gallagher  he  said : 

"Ah,  Gallagher,  have  you  lost  a  key?" 

"Don't  know,"  replied  the  victim.  "Let  me 
see  it." 

"First  see  if  you  have  lost  one,"  said  Ragbag. 

So  Gallagher  took  off  his  gloves  and  went  to 
work.  He  searched  pocket  after  pocket,  and  ex- 
amined each  and  every  bunch  of  keys  carefully. 
It  was  sharp  weather,  and  his  fingers  got  cold  and 
numb,  But  he  kept  at  it.  One  hundred  keys 
were  a,  good  many  to  keep  track  of,  and  Gallagher 
had  to  think  of  every  lock  about  his  establish- 
ment, and  then  look  for  that  particular  key,  and 
it  was  a  tedious  job.  And  it  wasn't  satisfactory, 
either,  for  Gallagher  couldn't  quite  make  up  his 


CHARLES    HOYT. 


149 


mind  that  one  key  was  not  missing.  He  demanded 
a  sight  of  the  key  found.  Then  Ragbag's  self- 
control  gave  way.  With  a  howl  of  laughter  he 
cried : 

"  Why,  I  haven't  found  any.  I  only  asked  if 
you  had  lost  one  as  a  matter  of  curiosity." 

It  didn't  take  %  three  seconds  for  Gallagher  to 
decide  what  to  do.  The  snow  for  forty  feet 
around  was  clawed  and  kicked  into  a  cloud  that 
filled  the  air.  Folks  looked  out  of  the  windows 
and  howled  to  see  the  fun.  And  when  Ragbag 
re-entered  the  house  with  his  clothes  torn,  ear 
chawed,  and  eyes  blacked,  and  explained  that  he 
had  been  playing  his  joke,  his  wife  was  more  than 
ever  convinced  that  he  was  an  old  donkey,  and 
told  him  so.  Somehow,  at  times,  humor  is  fear- 
fully discouraging  in  this  country. 


ISO 


FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 


HENRY  CLAY  LUKENS. 

The  New  York  Daily  News,  like  all  other  first- 
class  journals,  possesses  its  paragrapher.  In  the 
person  of  Henry  Clay  Lukens,  the  News  has  for 
many  years  had  a  valuable  contributor,  and  one  of 
the  best  humorous  writers  in  America.  Under 
the  name  of  Erratic  Enrique,  he  has  written  early 
and  late,  noon,  morning,  and  night,  and,  in  fact, 
about  all  the  time. 

Lukens  is  of  Dutch  ancestry.  He  was  born  in 
Germantown,  near  Philadelphia,  on  the  i8th  day  of 
August,  1838.  His  first  newpaper  enterprise  was 
a  monthly  publication  issued  in  his  native  city, 
during  the  winter  of  1857.  For  this  paper,  George 
Alfred  Townsend  wrote  some  of  his  first  articles. 
Lukens  worked  at  his  journalistic  profession  for 
many  years  in  different  States  in  the  Union. 

In  1874  he  went  to  South  America,  where  he 
remained  as  a  traveling  correspondent  for  nearly 
two  years.  While  there  he  wrote  interesting 
letters  to  the  Danbury  News  and  the  St.  John 
(New  Brunswick)  Torch,  under  the  quaint  pseu- 
donym of  Erratic  Enrique.  He  also  wrote  for 


HENRY    CLAY    LUKENS.  15! 

various  other  American  journals  under  the  same 
name. 

It  was  not  until  March,  1877,  that  Henry  Clay 
Lukens  settled  down  to  steady  work  on  a  daily 
newspaper.  He  then  associated  himself  with  the 
sprightly  little  News,  with  which  paper  he  has 
ever  since  been  connected.  He  originated  a 
column  of  humor  called  Pith  and  Point,  which 
has  brought  both  the  paper  and  himself  into 
prominence.  It  is  said  he  has  not  missed  a 
week's  labor  since  his  first  day's  connection  with 
the  News.  He  is  one  of  the  few  hard-worked  city 
journalists. 

Early  in  1881,  he  began  a  series  of  articles, 
entitled  Sanctum  Sketches,  in  Hubbard's  Adver- 
tiser, of  New  Haven,  Connecticut.  In  this  series 
of  articles  he  produced  the  biographies  of  six  or 
eight  well  known  paragraphers.  He  is  also  a  reg- 
ular contributor  to  several  weekly  and  monthly 
periodicals. 

Lukens  is  quite  inclined  to  poetry,  and  at  times 
jingles  some  very  clever  and  witty  rhymes.  The 
following  is  from  his  pen : 

ESPRIT  MALIN. 

What  hideous  yell  assails  my  ear  ? 

Whose  shuffling  feet  distract  my  nerves  i 

Insatiate  demon,  nothing  serves 
To  clinch  thy  clutch  !  All  day  I  hear, 

"More  copy!" 


152  FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

My  brain's  a-whirl,  my  senses  swim— 
What  cares  the  screeching  imp  for  that? 
He's  got  two  words,  so  tonguey  pat, 

He  slits  the  air  with  vocal  vim, 

"More  copy!" 

A  sapient  smirk  illumes  his  phiz — 

He  feels  his  power,  and  grinning  grips, 
The  ink-wet  pages,  scissored  slips, 

And  cabled  specials;  that's  his  '  'bir"— 
"More  copy!" 

Intense  disgust  has  hobbled  hate, 
Else  would  I  slay  this  vampire  scorned. 
Though  neither  cloven-toed  nor  horned, 

His  devilish  yawpings  ne'er  abate — 

"More  copy!" 

ERRATICS. 

It  is  not  so  very  painful  to  lose  a  fortune  as  it 
is  to  hear  what  your  neighbors  will  say  about  it 
afterwards. 

When  the  prodigal  son  comes  home  they  no 
longer  kill  the  fatted  calf  for  him.  They  just  turn 
the  animal  into  a  vaccine  farm  and  give  him  the 
profits. 

A  new  serial  yarn  by  Besant  and  Rice  is  enti- 
tled, All  Sorts  and  Conditions  of  Men.  The  plot 
is  probably  worked  out  in  the  caucus  room  of  a 
delegates  convention. 

"Man  Reading,"  a  picture  by  Meissonier,  has 
been  sold  for  $10,000.  It  was  cheap  as  dirt.  The 
man  readtng  was  an  editor  with  a  contribution 


HENRY    CLAY    LUKENS.  153 

written   on  both  sides  of  the  paper,  and  sponta- 
neously interlined  besides. 

Our  agricultural  contemporary,  the  Herald,  has 
a  learned  and  highly  interesting  article  on  "Our 
Codfish  Culture."  We  trust  it  maybe  followed 
by  another,  equally  able,  on  ' '  Our  Goat  Fisher- 
ies." Both  are  subjects  of  intense  and  universal 
concern. 


154  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 


WILLIAM  A.  WILKINS. 

A  country  newspaper  rarely  makes  its  mark  in 
the  journalistic  world,  and  especially  a  paper 
printed  in  such  an  obscure  village  as  is  Whitehall, 
New  York.  The  Whitehall  Times,  however,  is 
one  of  the  few  exceptions,  and,  although  a  country 
newspaper,  has  been  quoted  in  every  paper  of  any 
note  in  the  land. 

William  Albert  Wilkins,  the  editor  and  proprie- 
tor of  the  Times,  and  the  one  man  who  has  made 
that  journal  famous,  was  born  on  the  26th  day  of 
March,  1840,  in  the  village  of  Cherry  Valley, 
Otsego  county,  New  York.  At  the  age  of  ten  he 
removed  with  his  parents  to  Cohoes,  in  the  same 
State,  where  he  attended  a  common  district  school 
for  several  years.  He  entered  business  as  office 
boy  in  the  village  post-office.  From  this  position 
he  was  elevated  to  a  travelling  salesman,  doing 
business  for  a  firm  in  Albany.  A  year  later,  how- 
ever, he  settled  down  to  real  life  as  a  retail  cloth- 
ing merchant  at  Whitehall.  In  this  pursuit  Wil- 
kins was  quite  successful,  and  for  eleven  years  he 
continued  in  the  business. 


WILLIAM    A.    WILKINS.  155 

Wilkins  says  that  the  first  important  discovery  of 
his  life  was  when  he  embarked  in  the  printing  busi- 
ness. ''Then,"  says  he,  "it  was  easier  to  convince 
nine-tenths  of  the  human  family  that  the  inhabit- 
ants of  the  infernal  regions  employ  their  time  skat- 
ing on  real  ice  ponds,  than  it  is  to  convince  them 
that  they  cannot  conduct  a  live  newspaper.  While 
a  merchant  in  the  town  of  Whitehall,  Mr.  Wilkins 
began  writing — along  in  the  fall  of  1 869 — several 
humorous  communications  for  the  Weekly  Times, 
the  very  paper  which  he  afterwards  owned.  His 
articles  were  signed  "Hiram  Green,  esquire, 
Lait  justiss  of  the  Peece. "  His  sketches  were 
bright  and  original,  and  after  doing  all  he  could  to 
supply  the  crusty  Whitehallites  with  humor,  he 
began  a  series  of  letters  in  the  Troy  Budget,  which 
he  continued  for  several  years. 

In  1870  what  appeared  as  his  guiding  star  shone 
over  his  horizon.  A  new  comic  weekly  paper  had 
just  been  introduced  to  the  residents  of  New  York. 
It  was  known  as  Punchinello,  and  its  publisher 
made  William  Albert  Wilkins,  of  Whitehall,  a 
handsome  offer  to  assume  the  editorial  chair. 
Wilkins  was  not  long  in  making  a  decision  whether 
to  accept  the  offer  or  no.  In  an  evil  moment  he 
bade  good-bye  to  the  clothing  business  and  hied 
himself  to  New  York.  His  salary  and  the  paper 
ended  their  existence  in  five  months'  time,  and 


156         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

the  Whitehall  merchant  was  cast  adrift  in  the  great 
metropolis.  He  remained  in  New  York  and  was 
employed  with  a  leading  wholesale  clothing  house 
until  April,  1873.  During  his  sojourn  in  the 
city  he  wrote  regularly  for  the  Tribune,  Sun,  and 
Mail,  as  well  as  doing  occasional  work  for  the 
Brooklyn  Eagle,  Albany  Argus,  and  several  of  the 
many  weekly  journals  published  in  Gotham. 

In  the  early  May  days  of  1874  Wilkins  returned 
to  Whitehall,  and  his  first  love,  the  Times,  became 
his  property.  Since  that  time  he  has  been  its 
editor  and  proprietor,  and  has  made  for  it  a  name 
that  takes  first  rank  among  the  newspapers  of 
America  made  famous  by  their  humorous  para- 
graphs. 

Mr.  Wilkins  has  a  wife,  two  children,  and  a 
charming  home.  Of  his  family  he  says :  "None 
of  my  relatives  have  ever  been  hung,  but  once 
a  brother-in-law  came  near  going  to  Congress. 
My  war  record  is  good — as  during  the  rebellion  I 
did  not  have  a  hand  in  the  public  treasury,  but  a 
second  cousin  of  my  wife  sent  a  substitute,  who  by 
jumping  bounties  like  a  true  patriot,  covered  the 
family  with  glory  enough  to  reach  me." 

As  a  politician,  Mr.  Wilkins  succeeded  through 
the  aid  of  his  paper  and  his  friends,  in  holding  one 
office,  three  times  being  collector  of  canal  tolls  at 
the  port  of  Whitehall,  during  the  years  1874,  1875, 


WILLIAM    A.    WILKINS.  I5JT 

and  1878.  He  is  a  very  small  man,  being  some- 
thing like  five  feet  four  inches  in  height.  He  pos- 
sesses a  pleasant  cheery  face,  and  adorns  the  lower 
portion  of  it  with  a  moustache  of  a  heavy  and  a 
beard  of  a  light  growth.  His  literary  work  has  of 
late  years  been  devoted  almost  exclusively  to 
the  Times.  Recently  he  has  essayed  domestic 
sketches,  stories  of  the  home  circle,  and  romantic 
tales  of  travel  and  adventure.  .  • 

A  New  York  humorist  says  admiringly  of  Wil- 
kins:  "  He  is  a  trump  card  in  the  fraternity  he 
adorns.  Never  a  stone  has  he  laid  in  the  path 
of  an  earnest  fellow  laborer.  Meet  him  when 
you  will  and  where  you  will,  there  is  the  same 
cordial  impressment,  the  same  hand-grip  that 
goes  straight  to  your  marrow  of  susceptibility. 
It  has  been  my  lot  to  meet  him  when  convivi- 
ality held  full  sway,  and  again  when  family  afflic- 
tion had  tightly  drawn  the  chords  of  sympathy ; 
but  the  same  gentle  spirit  was  the  thrall.  The 
world  is  better  for  such  lives;  better  for  the  kindly 
sentiments  that  emanate  from  minds  charged  less 
with  self-opinion  than  liberal  thoughts  of  and  for 
mankind ;  better  for  the  outflow  of  their  broad 
religion,  and  safer  because  it  is  a  religion  of  im- 
pulse, a  creed  born  of  sentiment  and  fostered  by 
philanthrophy. " 

Wilkins'   admirable  essay  on  Father  Adam  is. 


158         ^AMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

undoubtedly  the  best  thing  he  has  written.  It 
was  originally  published  in  the  Whitehall  Times 
in  1879,  and  is  as  follows  : 

ADAM'S  FALL. 

Adam  was  the  first  man — if  he  had  been  a  shoe- 
maker he  would  have  been  the  last  man. 

He  was  'placed  in  the  Garden  of  Eden  and  was 
himself  the  guardian  of  Eden.  He  consequently 
had  no  partner  to  order  him  up  mornings,  and  he, 
therefore,  played  it  alone. 

All  the  clothes  he  had  for  a  long  time  was  the 
close  of  day,  while  a  mantle  of  night  was  his  bed- 
clothes. 

He  had  dominion  over  the  fish  of  the  sea,  the 
birds  of  the  air,  and  he  also  had  hoe-minion  over 
the  earth. 

He  was  finally  furnished  with  a  woman  of 
A-rib-ia,  who  was  sent  to  Eden  for  Adam's  Ex- 
press Company.  She  was  bone  of  his  beauin',  and 
if  she  had  been  called  Nancy,  she  would  have 
been  his  bone-nancy. 

She  was  a  pretty  good  cook,  for  she  soon 
cooked  up  trouble  for  Adam,  and  got  him  into 
hot  water. 

When  Adam  went  down  to  his  office  morn- 
ings, Eve  always  went  to  her  household  duties; 
but  she  was  a  fortunate  woman  in  one  respect;  she 
had  no  washing  to  do  on  Monday,  so  Adam  was 


WILLIAM    A.    WILKINS. 


'59 


never  afflicted  by  being  obliged  to  eat  mush  and 
milk  from  the  clock-shelf. 

Eve  never  called  him  back  and  told  him  to  send 
home  some  soap  and  starch  at  once,  nor  did  it 
cost  Adam  five  shillings  a  week  for  clothes  pins, 
for  the  beautiful  smile  that  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Adam 
always  wore  could  be  licked  clean  with  the  tip 
ends  of  their  tongues. 

But  they  were  not  a  happy  couple,  for  the 
Fourth  of  July  was  unknown  to  Eden. 

They  never  listened  to  the  bang  of  the  cannon, 
the  gun,  or  the  fire-cracker,  but  Eve  used  to  bang 
her  hair  quite  often. 


had 


Adam  never - 


Eve  never 


wore  tight  boots. 
(  corns. 

I  shirts  with  buttons  off. 
1  holes  in  his  stockings. 
Lholes  in  his  pockets, 
wore  patched  pantaloons, 
spilt  ice  cream  on  his  lavender 
pawned  his  ulster, 
pulled  down  his  vest, 
burst  his  suspender  buttons, 
paid  $2  per  day  for  washing, 
.owed  his  tailor, 
corsets. 

striped  stockings, 
rats, 
mice, 
^frizzes. 

was  bothered  to  find  a  dressmaker, 
found  fault  with  her  milliner, 
gossiped  with  her  next  door  neighbor.  ( 
went  to  church  and  made  fun  of  a  rival's 

new  bonnet, 
had  beaux  from  church. 


When  we  say  never,  no  one  need  say  hardly 


i6o 


FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 


ever.  But  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Adam  fell  just  the  same. 
As  we  draw  a  veil  over  their  fall,  let  us  ask  every 
head  of  a  family,  if  he  doesn't  feel  like  howling 
when  he  remembers  that  Adam  didn't  know  what 
a  good  thing  he  had 


When  he  did  not  have  any 


dressmakers' 

milliners' 

shoemakers' 

hosiery 

jewelry 

false  hair 

ribbon 

taffy 


bills  to  pay. 


But  he  could  have  laid  in  his  hammock  from 
sunrise  to  sunset,  and  read  the  daily  papers  with- 
out feeling  that  he  must  go  down  town  and  work 
like  thunder,  so  his  wife  and  daughters  could  all 
have  new  bonnets  to  wear  to  church  on  next  Sab- 
bath day. 

Adam  was  a  queer  duck  and  the  fathers  of  to- 
day owe  him  a  sockdologer. 


CHARLES    H.    HARRIS.  l6l 


CHARLES  H.  HARRIS. 

"Carl  Pretzel"  is  a  name  generally  known 
throughout  the  West  and  Northwest.  It  is  the 
literary  sobriquet  of  Mr.  Charles  H.  Harris,  of 
Chicago,  Illinois.  He  was  born  in  the  city  of 
Rochester,  New  York,  on  the  2Oth  day  of  May, 
1841.  His  father  was  a  well-known  politician  of 
the  Empire  State,  and  Charles,  having  a  living 
example  of  the  New  York  State  politician  con- 
stantly before  him,  resolved  at  an  early  age  not  to 
enter  politics — at  least  not  in  New  York  State. 
After  receiving  a  common-school  education,  and 
passing  his  early  youth  at  home,  Mr.  Harris  went 
to  New  York  city  in  1862.  He  .was  accompanied 
by  other  youngsters  of  his  native  town. 

Harris  shipped  as  a  landsman  in  the  navy,  and 
soon  after  was  transferred  to  the  navy  yard  at 
Washington,  where,  in  a  few  months  after  his 
arrival,  he  received  the  appointment  of  captain's 
clerk.  He  was  promoted  to  the  position  of  pay- 
master's clerk,  and  did  service  on  the  Potomac 
river  during  his  one  year  term  of  enlistment. 


1 62          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

After  the  war  he  came  home,  and  after  remaining 
a  very  short  time  in  Rochester,  he  set  out  to  seek 
his  fortune. 

The  oil  fever  having  broken  out  at  this  time, 
Harris  was  one  of  the  first  to  become  afflicted. 
He  started  for  Pennsylvania,  and  became  inter- 
ested jn  oil  wells  and  oil  territory.  To  use  his  own 
words,  '  'he  made  a  barrel  of  money,  and  left  it 
there,  it  being  too  cumbersome  to  carry  home. " 
In  speaking  of  himself,  Harris  says:  "In  1866 
I  was  notified  that  an  appointment  awaited  me  in 
Wyoming  Territory,  that  of  Secretary  of  the  Ter- 
ritory. I  started  at  once  to  grasp  the  prize.  Ar- 
riving in  Chicago,  I  learned  that  my  next  friend, 
who  had  been  nominated  for  Governor  of  the  Ter- 
ritory, did  not  have  friends  enough  in  the  Senate 
to  ratify  his  nomination,  consequently  his  failure 
to  secure  the  Governorship  settled  me." 

Harris  was  left  in  Chicago  like  a  stranded  ship. 
He  embarked  into  journalism  soon  after  his  arrival, 
and  began  inflicting  the  public  with  "Pretzelisms," 
by  "Carl  Pretzel."  These  consisted  of  short  and 
witty  paragraphs  in  broken  German  dialect.  They 
took  well,  and  Harris  has  made  a  national  reputa- 
tion through  them.  He  says :  "I  began  the  'Pret- 
zelisms' to  get  even  with  the  world,  and  I  will  not 
let  up  on  them." 

For  a  number  of  years  Mr.  Harris   has  issued 


CHARLES    H.    HARRIS.  l6$ 

his  annual  almanac,  which  has  commanded  a 
large  and  ready  sale.  A  few  years  ago  he  issued 
his  first  book,  "My  Book  of  Expressions, "  which 
has  had  a  wide  circulation.  It  contained  only 
articles  in  the  Dutch  dialect.  The  Almanac  for 
1882,  written  by  Mr.  Harris,  is  overflowing  with 
his  peculiar  humor,  and  another  large  volume, 
"My  Book  of  Parodies,"  will  soon  appear. 

"Carl  Pretzel,"  outside  of  his  book  work,  is 
a  thorough  and  hard-working  journalist.  He  is  at 
present  engaged  in  editing  and  publishing  a  weekly 
newspaper  at  119  Clark  street,  Chicago.  "The 
National  Weekly  is  eight  years  old,"  says  Harris 
in  a  private  letter,  ' '  and  is  a  healthy,  growing  en- 
terprise." 

Here  is  one  of  Carl's  best  small  efforts: 

"One  nite  time  I  corned  me  home  on  mine 
house,  und  dook  mine  leedle  daughter,  Gretchen, 
Jr.,  on  mine  kneeses.  I  told  her  some  shtory  rid- 
dles, und  vas  make  her  some  lafe.  Pooty  gwick 
she  vas  creeb  on  my  bosom,  und  vas  so  shleepy, 
I  dook  her  on  her  leedle  ped,  und  say  of  her : 

"'Gretchy,  would  you  gone  on  vour  ped  mitout 
saiding  your  prayers  ?  ' 

1 '  She  opened  dem  beautiful  leedle  blue  eyses, 
und  radder  dreamily  exclaimed : 

'  Now  I  vas  lay  me  down  to  shleep, 
I  pray  der ' 


1 64  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

dhen  adding  in  one  shweet  leedle  vhisper,  '  He 
knows  der  rest, '  she  sunk  down  an  her  leedle  ped, 
in  His  watchful  care,  who  gifs  His  belofed  shleeb." 


JOEL   CHANDLER   HARRIS.  l6$ 


JOEL  CHANDLER  HARRIS. 

"  Uncle  Remus "  is  a  well-known  character 
throughout  the  South,  and  his  fame  has  even 
found  its  way  northward.  "  Uncle  Remus  "  is  the 
literary  nickname  adopted  by  Mr.  Joel  Chandler 
Harris,  a  well-known  journalist-of  the  South.  He 
was  born  in  Eatonton,  Georgia,  on  the  8th  of 
December,  1846.  At  a  very  early  age  he  was 
taken  out  of  school,  and  placed  at  work  as  ' '  printer's 
devil"  in  the  office  of  a  country  newspaper. 

Charles  Pilsbury,  in  a  recent  article,  says  of 
Harris :  "  He  must  have  had  access  to  many  books, 
and  those  of  the  best  sort,  and  he  mastered  them 
thoroughly.  One  can  readily  imagine  him  pursu- 
ing his  studies  in  some  shady  nook  in  the  summer 
time,  and  in  the  winter  evenings  by  the  blaze  of 
pine  knots  or  the  modest  tallow  dip.  It  was  in 
these  days  and  evenings,  we  may  be  sure,  that  he  • 
obtained  the  insight  into  negro  character,  which 
has  enabled  him  to  portray  in  '  Uncle  Remus,'  the 
ante  bellum  negro." 

In  1866  Mr.    Harris   oecame  connected  wih  at 


1 66         FAMOUS  FUNNY,  FELLOWS. 

publishing  house  at  New  Orleans,  and  he  had 
plenty  of  spare  time  to  devote  to  literature.  He 
has  written  a  good  deal  for  southern  periodicals, 
during  the  last  five  years;  essays,  sketches  and 
lyrics  have  appeared  from  his  pen  that  would  have 
done  honor  to  older  heads.  In  January,  1867,  he 
published  in  the  New  Orleans  Times,  a  poem 
entitled  The  Sea  Wind,  which  has  been  greatly 
admired 

He  returned  to  Eatonton,  Georgia,  in  May, 
1867,  where  he  wrote  many  articles  in  both  prose 
and  verse.  In  1868  Mr.  Harris  was  in  Forsythe, 
Georgia,  still  bent  on  following  literature  as  a  pro-  * 
fession.  In  June  of  the  same  year  he  was  work- 
ing at  the  case,  and  thought  some  of  going  to  New 
York,  to  seek  his  fortune  and  a  name.  About 
this  time  he  received  the  promise  of  an  editorial 
position  on  a  paper  about  to  be  established  at 
Savannah,  Georgia;  and  on  the  1 2th  of  July  he 
writes  to  a  friend  that  he  ' '  thinks  he  was  cut  out 
for  a  paragraphing  journalist. " 

His  newspaper  promise  failed  to  realize  any- 
thing for  him,  however,  and  in  October  he  was 
still  at  the  case  in  a  country  newspaper  office, 
longing  for  journalistic  life  in  a  great  city.  Two 
years  later  we  find  his  hopes  realized,  and  Mr. 
Harris  became  the  associate  editor  of  the  Savan- 
nah Morning  News.  He  worked  hard,  and  soon 


JOEL  CHANDLER  HARRIS.          l6/ 

placed  his  name  high  in  rank  among  Georgia  jour- 
nalists. 

After  six  years  of  work  on  the  Morning  News, 
Harris  purchased  an  interest  in  the  Atlanta  Con- 
stitution, and  immediately  joined  its  editorial  staff. 
It  was  in  the  columns  of  the  Constitution  that 
Uncle  Remus  and  his  quaint  humor  first  appeared. 
From  this  time  forward  his  success  has  been  rapid, 
and  he  has  placed  his  name  in  the  front  rank  among 
American  humorists.  Last  year  Mr.  Harris  pub- 
lished his  first  book,  Uncle  Remus;  His  Songs 
and  Sayings.  The  work  took  wonderfully  well 
with  the  public  and  has  had  an  immense  sale. 

Of  the  later  works  of  Uncle  Remus,  the  follow- 
ing are  very  popular : 

PLANTATION    PROVERBS. 

Drive  out  de  dreamin'  dog. 

Mighty  few  horses  fits  a  barley  hatch. 

Noddin'  nigger  gives  the  ash-cake  a  chill. 

Don't  fall  out  wid  de  fat  what  cook  de  'possum. 

Fightin'  nigger  ain't  far  from  de  callaboose. 

Ole  cloze  better  go  'round  de  picket  fence. 

You  kin  sell  mo'  patter  rallers  dan  boozer- 
bears. 

Short  stirrups  en  a  do'-back  horse. 

Mighty  good  sheep  w'ats  wuff  mo'  dan  his 
wool. 

Sunday  pra'rs  ain't  gwineter  las'  all  de  week. 


1 68          FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

Lazy  folks  got  too  many  ter-morrers  ahead  of 
um. 

Don't  hoi'  yo'  head  too  high,  less  you  gwineter 
eat  out'n  de  hoss-rack.  . 

Hotter  de  wedder,  de  fresher  de  nigger.  Dis 
w'at  save  de  salt. 

One  eye  on  de  overseer  en  t'er  on  de  mule  don't 
make  de  furrer  straight. 

De  shote  w'at  stays  out  in  der  dark  er  de  moon, 
done  gone  from  home  fer  good. 

Some  marsters  gotter  be  tuck  on  trus'.  How 
de  wurm  git  in  de  scaly-bark?  Who  raised  de 
row  twixt  de  bee-martin  en  de  buzzard  ? 

A  PLANTATION  BALLAD. 

I. 
De  boss,  he  squall  ter  de  rompin'  boys : 

Don't  bodder  dot  jug  in  de  spring  I 
De  jug,  he  guzzle  out  good,  good,  good  I 

Nigger,  he  holler  en  sing : 
Oh,  gimme  de  gal,  de  big  greasy  gal 
Wat  -wrap  up  'er  ha'r  wid  a  string! 

II. 
Little  bird  flutter  w'en  de  big  speckle  hawk 

Sail  up  en  light  in  de  pine; 
W'en  de  overseer  qome  en  look  thro  de  fence 

Nigger  don't  cut  no  shine, 
But  he  roll  up  he  eye,  en  he  break  loose  en  sing : 

En  I  wish  dat  big  gal  'us  mine  I 

III. 

Oh,  de  speckle  hawk  light  in  de  top  ob  de  pine, 
En  dar  he  set  en  swing; 


JOEL  CHANDLER  HARRIS.          169 

De  overseer  lean  his  chin  on  de  fence, 

En  lissen  at  de  cotton-choppers  sing : 
Don't  nobody  bodder  dat  sway-back  gal 

W at  wrap  up  'er  ha'r  wid  a  string  f 


Oh,  de  strappin'  black  gal,  de  big  greasy  gall 

She  kyar  hersef  mighty  fine  I 
How  de  boys  gwineter  foller  along  in  de  row, 

A^juaitin'  for  ter  ketch  her  sign  ? 
De  boss  mighty  close,  yet  I  study  en  I  wish — 

EnJ  wish  dat  big  gal  uz  mine! 

[The  italics  seem  to  mark  what  may  be  called 
the  refrain  choruses.  The  variable  nature  of  these 
gives  unexpected  coloring — not  to  say  humor — to 
the  songs  in  which  they  occur.  Any  typograph- 
ical arrangement  of  these  choruses  must  be,  in  the 
very  nature  of  things,  awkward  and  ineffective.] 


1 70  FAMOUS   FUNNY  FELLOWS. 


DAVID  ROSS  LOCKE. 

"David  Ross  Locke,  an  American  satirist," 
says  the  American  Encyclopedia,  yet  Locke  is  a 
newspaper  humorist  of  the  modern  school.  True, 
he  does  not  subject  himself  to  the  painful  necessity 
of  forcing  humorous  paragraphs  into  the  world, 
neither  is  he  given  to  punning.  Yet  throughout 
his  writing  is  easily  distinguished  a  dry,  uncertain, 
yet  entertaining  humor. 

David  Ross  Locke  was  born  in  Broome  county, 
New  York,  in  or  near  the  village  of  Vestal,  on  the 
2Oth  day  of  September,  1833.  After  a  common 
school  education,  lasting  but  a  year  or  two,  young 
Locke,  in  1844,  or  when  he  was  but  eleven  years 
of  age,  became  apprenticed  to  a  printer  in  Cort- 
land,  a  few  miles  distant  from  Vestal.  Learning 
his  trade,  he  sought  out,  Bohemian-like,  to 
seek  his  fortune.  He  drifted  around  the  country, 
North  and  South,  varying  the  occupation  with 
which  he  earned  his  daily  bread.  At  different  times 
he  acted  in  the  capacity  of  compositor,  reporter 
and  general  writer  for  various  newspapers  and 
magazines. 


DAVID    ROSS    LOCKE.  17! 

It  was  in  1852  that  young  Locke  settled  down 
for  the  first  time,  at  Plymouth,  Ohio,  where  he 
became  connected  with  the  Advertiser,  a  weekly 
village  newspaper,  with  a  few  hundreds  circulation. 
Locke  afterwards  removed  his  talents  to  the  Herald, 
at  Mansfield,  Ohio  ;  then  he  drifted  into  the  offices 
of  the  Journal  at  Bucyrus,  Bellefontaine  Repub- 
lican, and  the  Jeffersonian,  a  prosperous  weekly 
published  at  Findlay.  It  was  during .  his  connec- 
tion with  the  last  named  paper  that  Locke  wrote 
for  the  Journal,  an  article  signed  by  the  "Rev. 
Petroleum  Vesuvius  Nasby. "  The  letter  purported 
to  have  come  from  an  ignorant  and  penniless  bour- 
bon Democrat,  who  resided  in  Kentucky.  This 
character  was  apparently  devoted  entirely  to  free 
whisky,  perpetual  slavery,  and  a  position  as  post- 
master. The  letter  was  dated  ' '  Confederit  Cross 
Roads,"  and  soon  after  its  appearance  created  con- 
siderable comment. 

Not  long  after  the  appearance^of  the  first  Nasby 
letter,  Locke  changed  his  location  once  more,  and 
turned  up  in  the  office  of  'the  Blade,  at  Toledo. 
Here  he  came  to  stay.  He  has  stayed  there  ever 
since ;  has  grown  up  with  the  Blade,  and  now  owns 
and  controls  the  paper.  The  "Nasby"  letters 
have  made  both  the  Blade  and  Locke  famous  all 
over  the  country.  In  a  private  letter  to  the  writer, 
Nasby  says:  "I  have  kept  up  the  letters  ever 


1^2  FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

since  1860,  for  which  I  ask  forgiveness."  At  the 
close  of  the  war  Locke,  like  others  of  his  class, 
entered  the  lecture  field  for  a  short  time,  and 
lectured  in  nearly  all  the  Northern  States.  His 
first  volume  of  letters  appeared  in  1865,  in  Cin- 
cinnati, under  the  title  of  Divers  Views,  Etc.  In 
1867  appeared  another  volume  of  Nasby  letters, 
published  in  Boston,  under  the  title  of  Swingin' 
Round  the  Cirkle."  In  1868,  appeared  a  third 
volume,  Ekkoes  From  Kentucky,  and,  in  1874,  a 
Boston  house  published  his  Morals  of  Abou  ben 
Adhem.  This  was  followed  by  A  Paper  City, 
published  by  Lee  &  Shepard,  Boston,  and  Hannah 
Jane,  a  poem.  This  last-named  work  has  had  a 
large  sale,  and  is  quite  popular.  Of  this  work 
a  leading  critic  said :  "It  is  certainly  one  of  the 
best  things  the  Rev.  P.  V.  Nasby  ever  produced. 
It  has  the  extraordinary  attraction  of  being  in 
popular  and  excellent  verse.  It  is  real  life,  and 
true  nature.  It  touches  a  chord  that  will  vibrate 
everywhere ;  a  subject  near  the  heart  of  many, 
and  in  the  experience  of  all.  It  touches  it  with 
honesty,  frankness,  and  self-condemnation,  that 
stings  with  conviction  while  it  thrills  with  admira- 
tion." One  is  fully  convinced  of  these  facts  after 
a  careful  perusal  of  Hannah  Jane.  The  following 
is  a  fragment  from  the  poem : 


DAVID    ROSS    LOCKE. 


173 


"  I  was  but  little  better.     True,  I'd  longer  been  at  school; 
My  tongue  and  pen  were  run,  perhaps,  a  trifle  more  by  rule; 
But  that  was  all:  the  neighbors  round,  who  knew  us  thro'  and  thro", 
Spoke  but  the  truth  in  calling  her  the  better  of  the  two. 

"  She  blundered  in  her  writing,  and  she  blundered  when  she  spoke, 
And  ev'ry  rule  of  syntax  that  old  Murray  made  she  broke; 

But  she  was  fresh  and  beautiful,  and  I well,  I  was  young; 

Her  form  and  face  far,  far  outweighed  the  blunders  of  her  tongue." 

In  1 88 1  Mr.  Locke,  with  his  eldest  son,  sailed  for 
Europe,  where  they  travelled  for  nearly  a  year. 
On  his  return  he  began  a  series  of  papers  in  the 
Toledo  Blade,  entitled  " Nasby  in  Exile."  These 
letters  were  afterwards,  in  1882,  published  in  book 
form  by  the  Locke  Publishing  Co.,  of  Toledo, 
under  the  same  title.  The  work  is  principally  de- 
scriptive of  travel  in  Ireland,  England  and  on  the 
Continent.  Locke  is  the  author  of  two  plays,  "  In- 
flation" and  "Widow  Bedott. "  The  last  named 
has  proved  very  successful,  financially  and  other- 
wise. 

"  Nasby"  was  married  to  a  very  estimable  lady, 
upwards  of  twenty-six  years  ago,  and  is  the  proud 
father  of  three  children.  He  lives  in  a  quiet,  but 
elegant  manner  in  the  city  of  Toledo,  and  is  con- 
siderably engrossed  with  the  business  interests  of 
the  city.  Under  his  able  management  the  weekly 
Toledo  Blade  has  become  one  of  the  leading 
family  papers  of  the  country,  and  circulates  in 
every  State  and  Territory  of  the  Union.  Locke 


174  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

writes  solely  for  his  paper,  even  his  most  success- 
ful books  being  made  up  of  material  taken  from 
the  columns  of  the  Toledo  newspaper. 


ROBERT   J.    BURDETTE. 


ROBERT  JONES  BURDETTE. 

The  famous  funny  man  of  the  Burlington,  Iowa, 
Hawkeye,  was  born  at  Greensboro,  Pennsylvania, 
on  the  30th  of  July,  1844.  At  the  early  age  of 
seven  months  he  went  West  with  his  parents,  to 
grow  up  with  the  country.  They  settled  in  Peoria, 
Illinois,  where  at  the  age  of  eighteen  Robert  en- 
listed as  a  private,  in  1862,  in  the  Forty-seventh 
Illinois  Infantry.  He  served  through  the  war  as 
a  private,  was  present  at  the  siege  of  Vicksburg, 
and  was  a  member  of  the  famous  Red  River  expe- 
dition. He  showed  himself  to  be  a  brave  and 
fearless  man  on  various  occasions,  especially  at  the 
battle  of  Corinth. 

Robert  J.   Burdette,  at  the  close  of  the  wai 
found  life's  struggle  rather  severe.     He  was  the 
oldest  son  of  a  family  of  nine,  and  aided  them  as 
best  he  could.     In  after  years  he  made  the  remark: 
"As  the  oldest  son  I  saw  it  was  my  duty  to  help 
pull  the  others  through. "     His  facilities  for  acqu.r- 
ing  an  academic  education  were  limited,  and  h 
ambition  to  enter  college  has  never  been  gratifie,. 


i;6  FAMOUS    FUNNY    FELLOWS. 


While  on  a  visit  to  New  York  he  penned  several 
letters  from  that  city  to  the  Peoria  Transcript,  and 
the  publication  of  these  letters  betrayed  his  natural 
inclination  for  the  journalistic  life.  Upon  his  re- 
turn to  Peoria  he  secured  a  position  as  proof- 
reader on  the  Transcript.  In  the  meantime  he 
wrote  numerous  sketches  for  the  different  New 
York  magazines,  but  few  of  which  were  published 
or  even  accepted. 

Burdette  says  of  his  life  from  this  time  forward : 
' '  After  a  while  I  started  a  paper  of  my  own — the 
Peoria  Review.  I  ran  it  two  years.  It  was  a  com- 
forting sort  of  a  paper.  It  brought  to  me  a  few 
cares  but  no  uncertainty.  I  knew  every  Monday 
morning  that  on  the  next  Saturday  night  I  would 
not  have  money  enough  to  pay  the  hands.  During 
.my  career  as  editor  of  that  wretched  sheet  it  never 
disappointed  me  in  that  particular — not  once. 
Finally  the  sheriff  took  me  into  partnership,  and 
there  was  a  glorious  increase  of  activity.  He  was 
an  enterprising  man,  very.  He  realized  more  in 
an  hour  than  I  had  done  in  two  years.  Pres- 
ently the  partnership  dissolved,  and  I  looked 
around  for  something  to  do.  I  thought  I  would 
try  and  get  on  the  Burlington  Hawkeye.  It  was 
a  sober,  staid  old  paper,  financially  solid.  I  was 
young  and  active.  Thought  I,  '  I  think  I  can  do 
that  paper  good.  If  I  can  get  on  the  staff  I  am 


ROBERT   J.     BURDETTE.  177 

sure  it  will  do  me  good.  Well,  I  was  thinking  of 
going  over  there  when  one  day  its  manager,  Mr. 
Wheeler,  came  to  see  me,  and  offered  me  the  po- 
sition of  city  editor  and  reporter.  Well,  if  I  live 
ten  thousand  years  it  will  not  be  long  enough  time 
for  me  to  be  sufficiently  thankful  that  I  accepted 
the  offer,  and,  besides  that,  I  am  very  proud  of  the 
fact  that  they  sent  for  me.  It  gave  me  an  inde- 
pendence of  personal  satisfaction  that  I  have  never 
recovered  from.  I  don't  try  to  be  funny  in  my 
writings.  I  have  an  idea,  occasionally,  and  when 
I  get  it  loose  people  [laugh.  Then  I  review  the 
remark  and  shake  it  out  to  find  the  fun.  My  per- 
ception of  a  joke  is  not  hung  on  a  hair  trigger. " 

In  1870,  Mr.  Burdette  became  affianced  to  Miss 
Carrie  Garrett,  of  Peoria,  Illinois.  She  was  a  frail 
and  delicate  young  lady,  and  on  visiting  her  one 
afternoon,  Robert  was  met  at  the  door  by  her 
friends,  who  announced  that  she  was  lying  at  the 
point  of  death.  The  situation  was  a  grave  one,  but 
in  fifteen  minutes'  time  he  had  procured  a  marriage 
license  from  the  county  clerk's  office,  and  Miss 
Garrett  became  Mrs.  Robert  J.  Burdette  at  a  time 
when  her  responses  could  only  be  made  by  a  slight 
motion  of  the  eyes  and  a  faint  pressure  of  the 
hand.  But  little  hope  was  entertained  for  her  life, 
but  she  passed  the  ordeal,  and  after  some  length 
of  time  rallied  sufficiently  to  go  with  her  husband 


1/8  FAMOUS    FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

on  a  short  bridal  tour  to  their  quiet  home  in  a 
neighboring  street,  in  Peoria.  Mrs.  Burdette  has 
been  an  invalid  all  her  life,  and  i  he  genial  humorist 
has  been  a  patient  attendant  and  companion  for 
her  in  her  dreary  hours  of  life.  The  major  por- 
tion of  the  rollicking  humor  that  Burdette  produces, 
is  written  at  the  bed  side  of  his  invalid  wife. 

It  was  soon  after  his  marriage,  when  he  was  do- 
ing editorial  work  on  the  Peoria  Transcript,  that 
Burdette  began  his  humorous  writing.  He  tells 
of  it  in  his  own  words  as  follows :  ' '  When  I  was 
on  the  Transcript,  I  would  try  to  think  of  some- 
thing pleasant  to  tell  the  folks  when  I  went  home 
at  night — something  that  would  make  a  tea-table 
lively.  And  when  nothing  of  a  funny  nature 
occurred,  I  would  make  up  something,  such  as  one 
of  the  burlesques  concerning  the  Middle  Rib 
Family.  They  seemed  to  be  enjoyed  around  the 
tea-table,  and  finally  Mrs.  Burdette  urged  me  to 
write  them  up.  I  told  her  that  they  would  sound 
as  flat  as  dish-water  in  print — that  it  was  nothing 
but  tea-table  chatter,  and  that  she  must  not  be  so 
highly  impressed  by  my  nonsense.  But  she  per- 
sisted, and  so  I  would  occasionally  write  in  a  light 
vein  for  the  Transcript.  The  sketches  seemed  to 
tak*e,  and  then  I  plunged  into  deep  water.  *  After- 
wards Burdette  said  of  his  humor:  "You  see,  I 
don't  know  how  I  do  say  things  people  think 


ROBERT   J.    BURDETTE.  \Jg 

funny,  and  sometimes  I  am  in  a  state  of  mind 
bordering  on  insanity  to  know  why  people  think 
they  are  so.  I  certainly  had  no  school  except  the 
wide  world,  from  which  to  learn  the  lesson  of  fun ; 
and,  now  I  come  to  think  of  it,  perhaps  the  page 
was  the  most  instructive  that  could  have  been 
placed  before  me." 

From  1874  to  the  date  of  his  joining  the  edi- 
torial corps  of  the  Burlington  Hawkeye,  Mr. 
Burdette  rose  rapidly  as  a  humorist,  and  after  his 
writings  and  the  Hawkeye  both  had  become  fa- 
mous, he  entered-the  lecture  field.  His  first  lec- 
ture was  decided  upon  and  written  by  the  prompt- 
ings of  his  wife.  This  little  episode  Robert  tells 
as  follows :  ' '  One  day  when  she  was  lying  help- 
less, she  said  she  believed  that  I  could  write  a 
lecture  and  deliver  it  successfully,  and  so  she  sat 
me  down  to  write  that  lecture;  and  from  time  to 
time  I  rebelled  with  tears  and  groans  and  prayers. 
I  told  her  that  I  was  too  little,  that  I  had  no 
voice,  that  I  couldn't  write  a  funny  lecture,  any- 
how. She  kept  me  at  it,  and  in  due  time  we  had 
a  lecture  on  our  hands: — 'The  Rise  and  Fall  of 
the  Mustache. '  That  was  all  right  enough ;  now 
how  to  get  the  audience.  I  thought  I  would  try 
it  first  at  Keokuk.  If  I  delivered  it  first  in  Tur- 
lington, even  though  it  were  tame,  tamer,  tamest, 
I  thought  they  might  pat  me  on  the  back.  But 


l8O  FAMOUS   FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

Keokuk  hated  Burlington.  I  thought  that  if  it 
was  flat  the  Keokuk  folks  would  tell  me  so.  Mrs. 
Burdette  said  that,  as  she  was  responsible  for  that 
lecture,  she  was  going  to  hear  it  first  delivered. 
So  I  carried  her'aboard  the  cars.  We  went  down 
to  Keokuk,  and  they  pronounced  it  good." 

The  whole  of  the  United  States  have  since 
agreed  with  Keokuk.  Burdette  has  lectured  in 
about  every  State  in  the  Union  to  delighted  audi- 
ences. Taking  his  age  into  consideration,  Mr. 
Burdette  is  very  youthful  in  appearance.  He  is 
short  in  stature,  easy  in  manner,  and  affable  in 
conversation.  He  has  a  low,  broad  forehead,  a 
black  mustache,  rounded  chin,  and  dark,  yet 
bright,  penetrating  eyes.  When  writing  at  any 
considerable  length,  he  scarcely  ever  has  a  definite 
plan  for  his  effusion,  and  lets  it  take  its  own  free 
way  from  the  point  of  his  pen.  He  has  written 
much  in  verse  and  prose,  but  his  humorous  de- 
scriptions and  pen  pictures  of  those  he  meets  in 
every-day  life,  are  the  most  readable  of  his  pro- 
ductions. It  is  natural  for  him  to  be  funny,  and 
in  speaking  of  the  most  common-place  things  he 
expresses  himself  in  the  most  humorous  way. 

Burdette  has  published  two  books:  The  Rise 
and  Fall  of  the  Mustache,  and  Hawkeye  Glances, 
both  volumes  commanding  a  large  sale.  He  has 
written  much  for  the  literary  weeklies,  and  his  pen 


ROBERT   J.     BURDETTE.  l8l 

is  never  idle.     Among  his  attempts  and  successes 
in  poetry  nothing  equals  his  touching  tribute  to 

WILHELMJ. 

Oh,  king  of  the  fiddle,  Wilhelmj, 
Jf  truly  you  love  me,  just  tellmj; 

Just  answer  my  sigh 

By  the  glance  of  your  eye, 
Be  honest,  and  don't  try  to  sellmj. 

With  rapture  your  music  did  thrillmj; 
With  pleasure  supreme  did  it  fillmj, 

And  if  I  could  believe 

That  you  meant  to  deceive — 
Wilhelmj,  I  think  it  would  killmj. 

Among  the  thousand  and  one  "good  things" 
that  Burdette  has  given  us,  none  contains  more  of 
his  genuine,  characteristic  humor  than  his 

NIGHT  THOUGHTS. 

Don't  judge  a  man  by  his  clothes.  Can  you 
tell  what  the  circus  is  going  to  be  like  by  looking 
at  the  Italian  sunset  pictures  on  the  fence?  Do 
you  value  the  turkey  for  its  plumage?  And  isn't 
the  skin  of  the  mink  the  most,  and,  indeed,  the 
only  valuable  part  of  him  ?  There  be  men,  fair 
to  look  upon,  who  wander  up  and  down  this 
country,  and  sit  in  the  coolest  places  on  the  hotel 
piazzas,  who  are  arrayed  in  fine  linen  and  cardinal 
socks,  and  who  have  to  hold  their  hand  over  their 
scarf-pin  when  they  want  to  see  the  moonlight, 
who,  unassisted  and  unprompted,  do  not  possess 


1 82  FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

the  discretion  to  come  in  when  it  rains,  and  don't 
know  enough  to  punch  a  hole  in  the  snow  with  an 
umbrella — new,  soft  snow  at  that,  without  any 
crust  on  it.  Now  and  then,  son,  before  you  are 
as  old  as  Methuselah,  you  will  meet  a  man  who 
wears  a  hat  that  is  worth  twice  as  much  as  the 
head  it  covers.  On  the  other  hand,  don't  fall  into 
the  error  of  believing  that  all  the  goodness,  and 
honesty,  and  intelligence  in  the  world  goes  about 
in  shreds  and  patches.  We  have  seen  the  tramp 
dressed  in  worse  rags  than  you  could  rake  out  of 
the  family  rag-bag,  and  more  dirt  and  hair  on  him 
than  would  suffice  to  protect  a  horse,  who  would 
step  up  to  the  front  door  and  demand  three  kinds 
of  cake,  half  an  apple  pie,  and  then  steal  every 
moveable  thing  in  the  yard,  kill  the  dog,  choke  up 
the  pump  with  sand,  tramp  on  the  pansy  bed  and 
girdle  the  cherry  trees,  because  he  couldn't  carry 
them  away.  Good  clothes  or  bad  are  never  an 
infallible  index  to  a  man  that  is  in  them. 


JOE   C.    ABY.  183 


JOE   C.  ABY. 

The  subject  of  this  sketch  is  a  resident  of  New 
Orleans.  His  entire  life,  almost,  has  been  spent 
there.  His  name, — that  of  Aby, — is  an  uncom- 
mon one  and  a  short  one,  and  with  the  short,  very 
short,  surname  of  Joe  prefixed,  makes  the  whole 
an  extraordinary  short  name.  Joe  C.  Aby  has 
written  much  in  the  way  of  humor,  under  the 
rather  curious  name  of  "  Hofienstein."  The  larger 
portion  of  his  productions  have  appeared  in  the 
way  of  sketches,  in  the  columns  of  that  well 
known  Southern  newspaper,  the  New  Orleans 
Times-Democrat. 

Joe  C.  Aby  was  born  on  the  23d  day  of  July, 
1858,  and  is  consequently  one  of  the  youngest  of 
our  American  humorists.  According  to  his  own 
story,  he  was  in  boyhood  "a  tame  sort  of  individ- 
ual. I  was  not  vicious,  nor  was  I  given  to  saying 
smart  things,  for  the  reason  that  my  father,  whose 
kindly  hand  is  now  still  in  death,  had  a  habit  of 
hovering  around  the  rear  portion  of  my  anatomy 
with  a  strap,  in  order  to  impress  upon  my  tender 


1 84  FAMOUS   FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

mind  the  fact  that  it  was  not  oecoming  in  a  small 
boy  to  get  '  too  big  for  his  old  clothes.'  His  the- 
ory was,  that  the  seat  of  a  boy's  pants  was  the 
proper  medium  through  which  to  reach  the  mind, 
and  the  demonstrations  of  his  theory  were  invari- 
ably successful. 

' '  My  school  life  was  -not  at  all  remarKaoie,  or 
different  from  that  of  the  average  urchin.  It 
consisted  of  thrashings,  which  I  received  from  the 
pedagogue  for  not  knowing  my  lessons.  He  was 
a  man  who  clung  to  the  motto :  'Hit  for  the 
basement,  let  the  rod  fall  where  it  may ; '  but  even 
while  he  was  doing  so,  I  felt  that  there  was  a  des- 
tiny that  would  model  my  end,  despite  his  efforts 
to  hammer  it  out  of  shape.  At  the  age  of  four- 
teen years  I  entered  a  collegiate  institute,  but  at 
sixteen,  my  career  there  was  abruptly  terminated 
by  the  right  boot  of  the  principal,  who  foolishly 
believed  that  a  student  deserved  immediate  expul- 
sion, who  was  bold  enough  to  attempt  to  punch 
the  head  of  a  German  professor.  After  my  hasty 
exit  from  college,  I  migrated  to  Texas  for  the 
benefit  of  my  health. 

' '  For  seven  or  eight  years  I  lived  among  the 
cattle  ranches  in  the  southwestern  portion  of  the 
Lone  Star  State.  While  in  Texas  I  drifted  around 
promiscuously  from  one  kind  of  business  to  an- 
other, until  a  position  was  offered  me,  as  a  re- 


JOE    C.    ABY.  185 

porter,  on  the  local  staff  of  the  Houston  Daily 
Post — a  journalistic  venture  which  has  since  proved 
a  success,  and  is  now  a  leading  paper  in  Texas.  I 
made  my  appearance  as  a  journalist  with  the  first 
issue  of  the  paper.  During  my  sojourn  on  the 
staff  of  the  paper,  I  dabbled  somewhat  in  humor- 
ous writing,  which  attracted  some  attention.  Fin- 
ally, I  received  an  offer  from  the  New  Orleans 
Times  to  join  its  staff  of  writers.  This  offer  I 
accepted  at  once,  and  returned  to  my  native  city. 
I  remained  with  the  Times  until  its  consolidation 
with  the  New  Orleans  Democrat  was  effected, 
when  I  was  offered  a  position  on  the  local  staff  of 
the  hyphenated  journal — The  Times-Democrat 
This  offer  I  also  accepted,  and  have  since  served 
that  paper." 

Under  the  nom  de  plume  of  "  Hoffenstein,"  Mr. 
Aby  has  written  much  that  is  not  only  funny,  but 
ridiculously  so.  His  Hoffenstein  sketches  in  the 
Times-Democrat  have  won  for  him  a  national 
reputation,  and  his  writings  are  reproduced  in 
papers  in  various  parts  of  the  country.  He  is  a 
young  man,  unmarried,  handsome  and  dignified. 
A  volume  of  the  Hoffenstein  sketches  has  been 
issued  by  a  New  York  publishing  house,  and  has 
been  nattered  by  a  ready  sale. 

One  of  the  most  popular  of  these  sketches  is 
the  following  • 


1 86  FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

THERMOMETER    PANTS. 

Hoffenstein  was  busily  engaged  scolding  Her- 
mann for  not  polishing  a  lot  of  brass  jewelry  there 
was  in  a  show  case,  when  a  thin,  stoop-shouldered 
countryman  entered  the  store  and  inquired : 

"  Have  you  got  any  good  jean  pants  here?" 

"Certainly,  my  frent,"  replied  Hoffenstein, 
"ve  makes  a  specialty  uf  goods  in  dot  line,  und 
ve  defy  competition.  If  ve  sells  anyding  und  you 
don't  lik  it,  you  gets  your  money  back  or  some- 
ding  else  in  exshange,  you  know.  Vas  you  a 
farmer?" 

"Yes,  sir,  I  live  up  on  Red  River." 

' '  Veil,  den,  you  need  a  bair  uf  bants  like 
dese,"  said  Hoffenstein,  pulling  out  a  sky-blue 
pair  from  a  pile  of  clothing  on  the  counter.  ' '  Dey 
vas  de  genervine  doeskin,  und  will  last  de  whole 
year  oud." 

The  countryman  took  the  pants  to  the  light,  ex- 
amined the  texture  of  the  cloth,  and  then  shaking 
his  head  knowingly  said: 

"There's  too  much  cotton  in  them;  they  will 
shrink." 

' '  Of  course  my  frent  dey  will  shrink,  but  vait 
und  I  tells  you  someding.  If  a  man  vat  owns  a 
pank  or  keeps  a  store  comes  here,  I  don't  sell  him 
dem  kind  uf  pants.  Vy  ?  Because  dey  vas  made 
exbressly  for  de  farming  pisiness.  Dey  vas  de 


JOE   C.    ABY.  IS/ 

dermometer  pants,  und  a  plessing  to-  every  farmer 
vat  vears  a  bair  uf  dem.  Do  you  know,  *my 
frent,  dose  bants  vill  dell  you  exactly  vat  de  ved- 
der  will  be.  Ven  it  vas  going  to  be  vet  and  cold, 
dose  bants  vill  begin  to  shrink  up,  und  ven  it  vas 
going  to  be  dry  und  varm,  dey  comes  right  down, 
you  know.  Dree  years  ago,  I  sell  a  bair  of  dem 
to  a  man  vat  vas  named  Vilking,  und  eber  since 
den  he  makes  good  crops,  ven  de  oder  beoble 
don't  make  noding,  because  he  always  knows  py 
his  dermometer  pants  vat  de  vedder  vill  be.  After 
avile  de  beoble  in  de  neighborhood  finds  oud  de 
segret  uf  Vilkin's  success,  and  at  the  beginning  of 
the  planting  season,  you  know,  dey  comes  for 
dirty  miles  around,  and  if  dey  see  Vilkin's  bants 
crawling  up  his  leg  dey  holds  off  und  vaits  for  a 
change,  but  if  his  bants  vas  down  dey  goes  right 
back  home,  und  puts  in  de  crop.  Dink  of  it,  my 
frent ;  mit  de  thermometer  bants,  you  can  tell  ex- 
actly ven  to  put  in  cabbage  seed,  und  plant  corn 
twice  as  better  as  mit  an  almanac,  besides  ven  de 
vedder  gets  so  cold  und  vet  dot  de  bants  goes  up 
under  your  arms,  you  sew  buttons  on  the  front 
and  vear  him  as  a  vest." 

When  Hoffenstein  finished  his  yarn  concerning 
the  pants,  the  countryman  smiled,  and,  turning 
abruptly  on  his  heel,  left  the  store. 


1 88  FAMOUS   FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

' '  Did  you  see  de  vay  dot  my  acted,  Her- 
mann?" said  Hoffenstein,  angrily. 

"  Yes,  sir, "  replied  his  clerk. 

"Veil,  it  shust  shows  dot  de  more  you  dry  to 
help  beoble  along,  de  more,  py  tarn,  you  don't  got 
any  tanks  for  it." 


EDWARD   E.    EDWARFS.  189 


EDWARD  E.  EDWARDS. 

The  subject  of  this  sketch  is  known  but  little, 
although  his  humor  has  acquired  fame  widespread 
and  universal.  Edward  E.  Edwards  is  the  para- 
grapher  and  ''funny  man  "  of  the  Boston  Trans- 
cript. This  journal  has  become  famous  for  its 
bright  and  racy  column  of  "Facts  and  Fancies," 
and  for  the  hundreds  of  sparkling  humorous 
sketches  that  have  appeared  in  its  columns  during 
a  great  number  of  years. 

Edward  E.  Edwards,  the  life  of  the  journal,  is  a 
New  Englander.  Born  and  reared  in  the  vicinity 
of  the  great  metropolis  of  culture,  Edwards  has 
become  one  of  the  institutions  of  Boston.  While 
yet  a  youth  he  entered  into  the  employ  of  the 
Transcript,  in  the  capacity  of  assistant  in  the  mail- 
ing-room in  the  basement.  He  worked  steadily ; 
and  gradually,  as  he  became  a  man,  ascended  in 
the  business  he  had  chosen,  step  by  step,  until  he 
now  holds  a  remunerative  position  in  the  editorial 
rooms  on  the  fifth  floor  of  the  Transcript  building. 

Edwards  is  the  fortunate  possessor  of  a  vein  of 


1 90         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

humor  of  very  peculiar  composition,  and  he  occu- 
pies in  the  world  of  wit  a  field  entirely  his  own. 
The  column  of  bright  paragraphs  published  under 
the  caption  of  Facts  and  Fancies  has  long  been 
one  of  the  leading  features  of  the  Boston  Trans- 
cript, and  is  widely  quoted.  Edwards  has  made 
his  most  happy  hits,  however,  in  his  descriptive 
sketches,  lectures  to  the  young,  etc.,  that  have 
appeared  in  his  paper.  These  have  been  more 
widely  copied,  perhaps,  than  any  one  class  of 
humorous  sketches  that  have  appeared  in  this 
country  during  the  last  decade.  Their  author  is  a 
small  man,  of  good  appearance,  weighing  one  hun- 
dred and  sixty  pounds,  and  is  about  six  and  thirty 
years  of  age. 

As  a  fair  specimen  of  the  humor  that  springs 
from  the  pen  of  Edwards,  I  annex  the  following 
discourse  to  little  children  on 

THE   EDITOR. 

The  editor  is  a  member  of  that  race  of  animals 
called  mankind.  He  is  invariably  a  kind  man. 

He  is  perfectly  harmless.  You  may  go  into 
his  den  without  fear.  But  he  has  his  peculiarities. 
The  sight  of  a  poet  makes  him  wild.  He  is  then 
very  dangerous,  and  is  apt  to  do  bodily  harm  to 
all  within  his  reach.  He  is  also  wrought  up  when 
a  man  comes  in  with  a  little  trifle  he  has  just 
dashed  off. 


EDWARD    E.    EDWARDS.  IQI 

There  is  one  thing  that  must  be  said  in  the  edi- 
tor's dispraise.  His  mind  is  so  biased  by  long 
thinking  in  a  certain  direction,  that  he  dislikes 
very  much  to  look  upon  both  sides  of  a  question. 
Therefore,  if  you  value  your  safety,  never  ap- 
proach him  with  manuscript  written  on  both  sides 
of  your  paper.  Let  me  say  right  here,  children, 
that  a  good  deal  of  sheer  nonsense  has  been  writ- 
ten about  the  editor.  He  uses  his  shears  only 
when  composing  an  entirely  original  article.  He 
usually  writes  with  his  pen,  but  his  most  cutting 
articles  are  the  product  of  his  shears. 

The  editor  would  make  a  good  public  speaker 
but  for  his  propensity  for  clipping  words.  The 
editor's  hardest  task  is  to  dispose  of  his  time.  It 
is  a  monotonous  life,  indeed,  were  it  not  for  the 
kindness  of  the  few  hundred  people  who  call  upon 
him  every  day,  to  enliven  his  dull  life  with  stories 
of  their  grievances,  of  their  new  enterprises  and 
with  antediluvian  anecdotes. 

When  you  grow  up  to  be  men  and  women, 
children,  remember  this,  and  spend  all  the  time 
you  can  in  the  sanctum  of  the  editor.  He  loves 
company  so  much,  you  know,  and  sometimes  he 
has  to  sit  silent  alone  for  a  whole  half  minute.  Is 
it  not  too  bad  ?  The  business  of  the  editor  is  to 
entertain  itinerant  lecturers,  book  canvassers,  ex- 
change fiends,  and  other  philanthropists.  He 


IQ2  FAMOUS   FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

gives  his  whole  day  to  these.  He  writes  his  edito- 
rials at  night  after  he  has  gone  to  bed. 

The  editor  is  never  so  happy  as  when  he  is 
writing  complimentary  notices.  For  ten  cents 
worth  of  presents  he  will  gladly  give  ten  dollars 
worth  of  advertising — all  on  account  of  the  pleas- 
ure it  gives  him  to  write,  you  know,  children. 
He  loves  to  write  neat  little  speeches  and  bright, 
witty  poems  for  people  without  brains,  who  wish 
to  speak  in  public.  It  is  so  easy  to  do  this  that 
he  is  sometimes  .quite  miserable  when  an  hour  or 
two  passes  without  an  opportunity  to  do  some- 
thing of  the  kind. 

The  editor  dines  at  all  the  hotels  free,  he  trav- 
els free,  theaters  open  wide  their  doors  to  him, 
the  tailor  clothes  him  gratis,  his  butcher  and  gro- 
cer furnish  him  with  food  without  money  and 
without  price.  In  short,  his  every  want  is  pro- 
vided for.  He  spends  his  princely  salary  in  build- 
ing churches  and  school-houses  in  foreign  lands. 

By  all  means,  children,  be  editors.  Of  course, 
it  would  be  better  if  you  could  be  hod-carriers  or 
dray  horses,  but,  as  that  is  impossible,  by  all 
means  be  editors. 


EUGENE    FIELD. 


EUGENE  FIELD. 

One  of  the  most  clever  of  Western  humorists  is 
Eugene  Field.  He  is  a  native  of  Missouri,  having 
been  born  in  St.  Louis,  September  2,  1850.  His 
mother  died  when^he  was  but  six  years  of  age,  and 
he  was  sent,  with  a  younger  brother,  to  Amherst, 
Massachusetts,  and  placed  under  the  care  of  his 
cousin,  Miss  French.  He  was  fitted  for  college  by 
the  Rev.  James  Tufts,  of  Monson,  and  entered 
Williams  college  in  1868.  Upon  the  death  of 
his  father,  in  1869,  he  returned  to  the  West,  and 
has  since  then  made  his  home  on  the  western 
side  of  the  Mississippi.  He  left  the  State  Univer-. 
sity  of  Missouri  at  the  close  of  his  junior  year, 
and  went  to  Europe,  where  he  remained  for  seven 
months. 

In  1873  Mr.  Field  became  a  reporter  on  the 
St.  Louis  Evening  Journal,  of  which  paper  Stan- 
ley Huntley  (now  of  the  Brooklyn  Eagle)  was 
then  city  editor.  He  changed  his  location  soon 
after  to  St.  Joseph,  where  for  eighteen  months  he 
was  associate  editor  of  the  St.  Joseph  Gazette. 


194  FAMOUS    FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

He  then  moved  to  Kansas  City,  where,  for  a 
period  of  twenty  months,  he  acted  as  managing 
editor  of  the  Daily  Times.  He  was  with  the  St. 
Louis  Times-Journal  during  its  best  days,  and  was 
twice  elected  poet  of  the  Missouri  Press  Associa- 
tion. He  is,  at  the  present  writing,  managing  editor 
of  the  Denver  Tribune.  He  has  been  married 
eight  years  and  is  the  father  of  four  living  chil- 
dren. 

It  was  in  1878  that  Mr.  Field  first  began  writ- 
ing verse,  and,  for  a  young  poe.t,  his  productions 
were  highly  complimented.  His  first  effort  was 
a  little  poem  of  ten  stanzas,  which  was  printed  in 
a  St.  Louis  paper.  It  was  entitled  : 

THE    CHRISTMAS   TREASURES. 
I  count  my  treasures  o'er  with  care — 
A  little  toy  that  baby  knew — 
A  little  lock  of  faded  hue — 
A  little  lock  of  golden  hair. 

Long  years  ago  this  Christmas  time, 

My  little  one — my  all  to  me — 

Sat,  robed  in  white,  upon  my.  knee, 
And  heard  the  Merry  Christmas  chime. 

"  Tell  me,  my  little  golden-head, 

If  Santa  Claus  should  come  to-night, 
What  shall  he  bring  my  baby  bright — 

What  treasure  for  my  boy  ?  "  I  said. 

And  then  he  named  the  little  toy, 

While  in  his  round  and  truthful  eyes 
There  came  a  look  of  glad  surprise 

That  spoke  his  trustful,  childish  joy. 


EUGENE    FIELD.  195 

And  as  he  lisped  his  evening  pray'r, 

He  asked  the  boon  with  baby  grace, 
And  toddling  to  the  chimney  place, 

He  hung  his  little  stocking  there. 

That  night,  as  length'ning  shadows  crept, 
I  saw  the  white-winged  angels  come 
With  music  to  our  humble  home 

And  kiss  my  darling  as  he  slept. 

They  must  have  heard  his  baby  pray'r, 
For  in  the  morn,  with  glowing  face, 
He  toddled  to  the  chimney  place 

And  found  the  little  treasure  there. 

They  came  again  one  Christmas  tide — 
That  angel  host,  so  fair  and  white — 
And,  singing  all  the  Christmas  night, 

They  lured  my  darling  from  my  side. 

A  little  sock,  a  little  toy — 

A  little  lock  of  golden  hair— 

The  Christmas  music  on  the  air — 
A  watching  for  my  baby  boy. 

But  if  again  that  angel  train 

And  golden-head  come  back  for  me, 
To  bear  me  to  eternity, 

My  watching  will  not  be  in  vain. 

Other  efforts  in  a  similar  vein  followed,  of  which 
the  following  is  a  fair  sample : 

THE    PRAYER. 

Long  years  have  passed  since  that  sweet  time 

When  first  I  breathed  upon  the  air 

My  simple  little  baby  prayer— 
A  prayer  with  earnestness  sublime; 
Since  first  my  mother  clasped  my  hands, 

And  bade  me,  ere  I  went  to  sleep, 


196         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

Pray  God  my  little  soul  to  keep, 
Or  take  to  dwell  in  heav'nly  land. 

And  now,  tho'  years  on  years  have  fled, 

And  tho'  the  mother's  passed  away, 

And  tho'  my  head  be  bowed  and  gray. 
The  little  prayer  that  then  I  said 
Comes  floating  back  on  angel  wing, 

As  if,  upon  the  other  shore, 

A  little  child  had  lisped  it  o'er 
For  God's  own  messengers  to  bring. 

His  work  in  a  lighter  vein  is  fairly  represented 
by  the  following: 

THE  SAME  DEAR  HAND. 

The  bells  ring  out  a  happy  sound, 

The  earth  is  mantled  o'er  with  white, 

It  is  the  merry  Christmas  night, 
And  love  and  mirth  and  joy  abound. 
And  here  sit  you  and  here  sit  I ; 

I  should  be  happiest  in  the  land,    • 

For,  oh,  I  hold  the  same  dear  hand 
I've  held  for  many  a  year  gone  by ! 

It  is  not  withered  up  with  care; 

It  is  as  fresh  and  fair  to  see, 

As  sweet  to  hold  and  dear  to  me, 
As  when  with  chimes  upon  the  air 
On  Christmas  nights  of  years  ago 

I  held  the  same  dear  little  thing 

And  felt  its  soft  caresses  bring 
The  flushes  to  my  throbbing  brow. 

Ah,  we  were  born  to  never  part ! 

This  little  hand  I  hold  to-night, 

And  I,  so  with  a  strange  delight, 
I  press  it  to  my  beating  heart, 
And  in  the  midnight's  solemn  hush 

I  bless  the  little  hand  I  hold. 


EUGENE    FIELD. 


I97 


In  broken  whispers  be  it  told, 
It  is  the  old-time  bobtail  flush. 

Then  again  in  the  following : 

THE  WARRIOR. 
Under  the  window  is  a  man 

Playing  an  organ  all  the  day — 
Grinding  as  only  a  cripple  can, 

In  a  moody,  vague,  uncertain  way. 
His  coat  is  blue  and  upon  his  face 

Is  a  look  of  high-born,  restless  pride — 
There  is  somewhat  about  him  of  martial  grace 

And  an  empty  sleeve  hangs  at  his  side. 
"Tell  me,  warrior,  bold  and  true, 

In  what  carnage,  night  or  day, 
Came  the  merciless  shot  to  you, 

Bearing  your  good  right  arm  away?" 
Fire  dies  out  in  the  patriot's  eye, 

Changed  my  warrior's  tone  and  mien- 
Choked  by  emotion,  he  makes  reply— 

"Kansas— harvest — threshing  machine." 

In  October,  1881,  Mr.  Field  commenced  the 
publication  of  the  Denver  Tribune  Primer,  which 
he  abandoned  as  soon  as  it  began  to  be  generally 
imitated.  Samples  of  his  primer  style  are  ap- 
pended : 

MENTAL    ARITHMETIC. 

How  many  Birds  are  there  in  Seven  soft-boiled 
Eggs? 

If  you  have  Five  Cucumbers  and  eat  Three, 
what  will  you  have  Left?  Two?  No,  you  are 
Wrong.  You  will  have  More  than  that.  You 
will  have  Colic  enough  to  Double  you  up  in  a  Bow 


198  FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 

Knot  for  Six  Hours.  You  may  go  to  the  Foot  of 
the  Class. 

A  Man  had  Six  Sons  and  Four  Daughters.  If 
he  had  had  Six  Daughters  and  Four  Sons,  how 
many  more  Sons  than  Daughters  would  He  have 
had? 

If  a  Horse  weighing  1600  pounds  can  Haul  four 
tons  of  Pig  Iron,  how  many  Seasons  will  a  Front 
Gate  painted  Blue  carry  a  young  Woman  on  One 
Side  and  a  young  Man  on  the  Other? 

THE   WASP. 

See  the  wasp.  He  has  pretty  yellow  stripes 
around  his  Body,  and  a  Darning  Needle  in  his 
Tail.  If  You  Will  Pat  the  Wasp  upon  the  Tail, 
we  will  Give  You  a  Nice  Picture  Book. 

THE  EDITOR'S  HOME. 

Here  is  a  Castle.  It  is  the  Home  of  an  Editor. 
It  has  Stained  Glass  windows  and  Mahogany  stair- 
ways. In  front  of  the  Castle  is  a  Park.  Is  it  not 
Sweet?  The  lady  in  the  Park  is  the  editor's  wife. 
She  wears  a  Costly  robe  of  Velvet  trimmed  with 
Gold  Lace,  and  there  are  Pearls  and  Rubies  in  her 
Hair.  The  editor  sits  on  the  front  Stoop  smoking 
an  Havana  Cigar.  His  little  Children  are  Playing 
with  diamond  Marbles  on  the  Tesselated  Floor. 
The  editor  can  afford  to  Live  in  Style  He  gets 
Seventy-Five  Dollars  a  month  Wages. 


EUGENE    FIELD.      /  199 

THE    SWEET    HOME. 

Mamma  is  Larruping  Papa  with  the  Mop  Han- 
dle. The  children  are  Fighting  over  a  Piece  of 
Pie  in  the  Kitchen.  Over  the  Piano  there  is  a 
Beautiful  Motto  in  a  gilt  Frame.  The  Beautiful 
Motto  says  there  is  no  Place  like  Home. 

THE     CATERPILLAR. 

The  Caterpillar  is  Crawling  along  the  Fence. 
He  has  Pretty  Fur  all  over  his  Back,  and  he 
Walks  by  Wrinkling  up  his  Skin.  He  is  Full  of 
Nice  yellow  Custard.  Perhaps  you  had  better 
take  him  Into  the  house,  where  it  is  Warm,  and 
Mash  him  on  the  Wall  Paper  with  Sister  Lulu's 
Album.  Then  the  Wall  Paper  will  Look  as  if 
a  Red  Headed  Girl  had  been  leaning  Against  it. 

THE    DIAMOND    PIN. 

Here  is  a  Diamond  Pin.  The  Editor  won  it  at 
a  Church  Fair.  There  were  Ten  Chances  at  Ten 
Cents  a  Chance.  The  Editor  Mortgaged  his  Paper 
and  Took  one  Chance.  The  Pin  is  Worth  seven 
hundred  Dollars.  Editors  like  Diamonds.  Some- 
times they  Wear  them  in  their  Shirts,  but  Gener- 
ally in  their  Mind. 

Eugene  Field  has  written  a  number  of  stories, 
all  of  a  sombre  nature.  He  has  at  various  times 
been  solicited  to  contribute  to  Eastern  publica- 
tions, but  has  steadily  declined  to  do  so. 


2OO         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 


STANLEY  HUNTLEY. 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Spoopendyke "  are  well-known 
characters.  The  exceedingly  funny  descriptions 
of  the  home  life  of  Spoopendyke  and  his  better- 
half,  that  first  appeared  in  the  columns  of  the  Daily 
Eagle,  of  Brooklyn,  New  York,  in  1881,  have  been 
reproduced  in  thousands  of  newspapers  in  this 
country,  and  in  Europe.  They  are  written  in  a 
style  highly  original,  and  occupy  a  field  entirely 
their  own. 

Mr.  Stanley  Huntley,  the  author  of  these  lively 
sketches,  is  a  resident  of  Brooklyn,  and  has  for 
years  occupied  a  prominent  position  in  the  editorial 
rooms  of  the  Daily  Eagle.  He  is  a  born  jour- 
nalist, and  has  been  engaged  on  many  newspapers 
in  both  the  East  and  West  For  many  years  he 
was  city  editor  of  the  St.  Louis  Evening  Journal, 
and  has  also  held  positions  on  other  St.  Louis  pa- 
pers. It  was  not  until  1881,  early  in  the  year, 
that  Mr.  Huntley's  humorous  writings  began  to 
attract  the  attention  of  the  public.  They  were  so 
original,  so  brilliantly  witty,  and  such  oddities  in 


STANLEY    HUNTLEY.  2OI 

themselves,  that  the  Brooklyn  Eagle  became  fa- 
mous through  their  publication.  Spoopendyke  at 
once  sprang  into  popular  favor,  and  the  name  was 
known  in  every  city  and  village  in  the  country. 

During  this  season  of  popularity,  Mr.  Huntley 
gathered  together  his  best  sketches,  and  brought 
them  out  in  book  form  through  the  New  York 
publishing  house  of  W.  B.  Smith  &  Company. 
The  book  sold  with  a  rapidity  that  was  simply 
wonderful,  and  under  the  simple  title  of  Spoopen- 
dyke, over  300,000  copies  of  the  work  were 
manufactured  and  disposed  of  within  three  months 
after  its  first  appearance.  Several  revised  and 
enlarged  editions  have  since  been  published. 

Mr.  Huntley  is  of  middle  age,  of  lively  tem- 
perament, pleasing  manners,  and  is'kind  and  sym- 
pathetic. He  has  been  married  for  a  number  of 
years  to  a  handsome  and  highly  cultured  lady,  and 
lives  with  happy  surroundings  in  "a  retired  street 
in  Brooklyn.  Early  in  1882,  he  was  compelled, 
by  serious  illness,  to  cease  his  labors  for  a  number 
of  months. 

It   is  extremely  difficult  to  determine  which  is 
his  best  production.     The  Spoopendyke  sketches 
are  all  good.      Here  is  a  fair  specimen  of  them: 
SPOOPENDYKE'S  ILLNESS. 

"  How  long  have  I  been  in  this  measly  old  bar- 
racks ?"  asked  Mr.  Spoopendyke,  turning  pain- 


202  FAMOUS   FUNNY    FELLOWS. 

fully  in  his  bed,  and  gazing  in  a  vague,  half-dazed 
way  toward  a  long  line  of  antidotes  on  the 
mantel. 

"  About  two  weeks,  dear,"  said  Mrs.  Spoopen- 
dyke,  coming  toward  him  with  a  bowl  of  gruel, 
and  smiling  pleasantly.  "The  doctor  says  you 
are  not  likely  to  have  another  attack  if  you  keep 
very  quiet,  and  follow  his  instructions." 

"Oh,  he  does,  does  he?"  said  Mr.  Spoopen- 
dyke,  making  a  vain  effort  to  sit  up,  and  falling 
back  with  a  groan.  "  He  says  I  won't  have  an- 
other attack?  Now,  what  do  you  suppose  the 
dod-gasted,  bald-pated  pill-roller  knows  about  my 
case,  anyway  ?  Perhaps  you  think  he  could  make 
an  Egyptian  mummy  dance  a  Highland  fling,  and 
put  life  into  a  cigar  sign.  All  he  needs  is  three 
bulletins  a  day  and  unlimited  chin  to  become  one 
of  the  leading  physicians  of  the  country.  I  sup- 
pose if  I  take  all  that  stuff,  up  there  I  shall  be 
born  again,  and  see  the  next  centennial.  What 
does  that  bone-sawing,  blistering  old  ape  know 
about  the  future,  anyway.  How  can  he  tell 
whether  I  will  have  another  attack  or  not  ?  Perhaps 
he  will  tell  you  the  name  of  your  next  husband, 
and  the  color  of  his  hair,  for  fifty  cents.  Perhaps 
he  is  a  dod-gasted  Spiritualist.  What's  that  ?  " 

"Gruel,"  said  Mrs.  Spoopendyke. 

"  Gruel,  always  gruel,"  said  Mr.  Spoopendyke, 


STANLEY    HUNTLEY.  2O3 

turning  his  face  to  the  wall.  "  Do  you  .magine 
I'm  a  Sheltering  Arms  and  St.  John's  Guild  ex- 
cursion thrown  into  one  ?  Why  don't  you  tie  a 
bib  around  my  neck,  get  me  a  rubber  to  chew  on, 
and  put  a  rattle  in  my  hand?" 

' '  But  the  doctor  says  you  must  not  eat  solid 
food  at  pres  " — 

Oh,  I'm  not  to  eat  solid  food,"  said  Mr.  Spoo- 
pendyke,  kicking  viciously  at  the  foot-board.  "A 
diet  of  cannon-balls  and  scrap-iron  won't  agree 
with  me.  It  won't  do  for  me  to  attempt  digest- 
ing steel  rails  and  bridge  girders.  He  thinks  they 
won't  agree  with  me,  does  he?  The  measly  old 
rattle-brained  powder-mixer.  Here,  give  me  that 
stuff,"  and  Mr.  Spoopendyke  knocked  the  bowl 
out  of  his  wife's  hands,  spilling  the  contents  over 
the  bed-clothes.  "  There,  now  I  suppose  you  are 
satisfied,"  he  said,  squirming  over  toward  the  wall, 
and  digging  his  face  in  the  pillow,  while  Mrs. 
Spoopendyke  gathered  up  the  pieces,  and  said  it 
was  so  fortunate  that  the  bowl  was  only  earthen- 
ware. 


The  following  excellent  satire  on  the  current 
juvenile  literature  of  the  day,  was  originally  pub- 
lished in  the  columns  of  the  Brooklyn  Eagle: 


2O4 


FAMOUS   FUNNY   FELLOWS. 


INVESTIGATING    LIGHT    LITERATURE. 

The  other  day  a  stout  woman,  armed  with  an 
umbrella  and  leading  a  small  urchin,  called  at  the 
office  of  a  New  York  boys'  story  paper. 

"Is  this  the  place  where  they  fight  Indians  ?" 
she  inquired  of  the  gentleman  in  charge.  "Is  this 
the  locality  where  the  brave  boy  charges  up  the 
canyon  and  speeds  a  bullet  to  the  heart  of  the 
dusky  red-skin?"  and  she  jerked  the  urchin  around 
by  the  ear  and  brought  her  umbrella  down  on  the 
desk. 

"We  publish  stories  for  boys,"  replied  the 
young  man  evasively. 

"I  want  to  know  if  these  are  the  premises  on 
which  the  daring  lad  springs  upon  the  fiery  mus- 
tang and,  darting  through  the  circle  of  thunder- 
struck savages,  cuts  the  captive's  cords  and  bears 
him  away  before  the  wondering  Indians  have  re- 
covered from  their  astonishment!  That's  the 
information  I'm  after.  I  want  to  know  if  that 
sort  of  thing  is  perpetrated  here  !  "  and  she  swung 
the  umbrella  around  her  head  and  launched  a  crack 
at  the  young  man's  head. 

"I  don't  remember  those  specific  acts,"  pro- 
tested the  young  man. 

"  I  want  to  know  if  this  is  the  precinct  where 
the  adventurous  boy  jumps  on  the  back  of  a  buf- 
falo and  with  unerring  aim,  picks  off  one  by  one, 


STANLEY    HUNTLEY.  2C>5 

the  bloodthirsty  pursuers,  who  bite  the  dust  at 
every  crack  of  his  faithful  rifle !  I'm  looking  for 
the  place  where  that  sort  of  thing  happens!  "  and 
this  time  she  brought  the  unlucky  young  man  a 
tremendous  whack  across  the  back. 

"I  think—?'   commenced  the  dodging  victim. 

"I'm  in  search  of  the  shop  in  which  the  boy 
road  agent  holds  the  quivering  stage  driver  pow- 
erless with  his  glittering  eye,  while  he  robs  the 
male  passengers  with  an  adroitness  born  of  long 
and  tried  experience,  and  kisses  the  hands  of  the 
lady  passengers  with  a  gallantry  of  bearing  that 
bespeaks  noble  birth  and  a  chivalrous  nature!" 
screamed  the  woman,  driving  the  young  man  into- 
the  corner.  "I'm  looking  for  the  apartment  in 
which  that  business  is  transacted !  "  and  down  came 
the  umbrella  with  trip-hammer  force  on  the  young 
man's  head. 

5 'Upon  my  soul,  ma'am — !"  gasped  the 
wretched  youth. 

' '  I  want  to  be  introduced  to  the  jars  in  which 
you  keep  the  boy  scouts  of  the  Sierras !  Show  me 
the  bins  full  of  the  boy  detectives  of  the  prairie ! 
Point  out  to  me  the  barrels  full  of  boy  pirates  of 
the  Spanish  main  !  "  and  with  each  demand  she 
dropped  the  umbrella  on  the  young  man's  skull, 
until  he  skipped  over  the  desk  and  sought  safety 
in  a  neighboring  canyon. 


2O6  FAMOUi   FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

"I'll  teach  'em!"  she  panted,  grasping  the 
urchin  by  the  ear  and  leading  him  off.  "  I'll  teach 
'em  to  make  it  good  or  dance.  Want  to  go  fight 
Indians  any  more  ?  Want  to  stand  proudly  upon 
the  pinnacle  of  the  mountain  and  scatter  the  plain 
beneath  with  the  bleeding  bodies  of  uncounted 
slain  ?  Want  to  say  '  hist '  in  a  tone  that  brooks 
no  contradiction?  Propose  to  spring  upon  the 
taffrail  and  with  a  ringing  word  of  command  send 
a  broadside  into  the  richly  laden  galley,  and  then 
mercifully  spare  the  beautiful  maiden  in  the  cabin, 
that  she  may  become  your  bride?  Eh !  Going  to 
do  it  any  more  ?  " 

With  each  question  she  hammered  the  yelping 
urchin  until  his  bones  were  sore  and  he  protested 
his  permanent  abandonment  of  all  the  glories 
enumerated. 

' '  Then  come  along, "  said  she,  taking  him  by  the 
collar.  "Let  me  catch  you  around  with  any 
more  ramrods  and  carving  knives,  and  you'll  think 
the  leaping,  curling,  resistless  prairie  fire  had 
swept  with  a  ferocious  roar  of  triumph  across  the 
trembling  plains  and  lodged  in  your  pantaloons  to 
stay  ! " 


SOME  OTHER  FUNNY  FELLOWS.       2O/ 


SOME  OTHER  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

There  are  hundreds  of  humorists  in  America 
who  are  comparatively  unknown — humorists  who 
are  intensely  funny,  but  who  do  not  know  it; 
persons  who  write  one  or  two  good  things  and 
then  cease  to  write ;  journalists  of  the  staid,  old 
school,  who  once  in  a  decade  or  so  say  something 
really  witty.  During  the  last  ten  years  I  have 
endeavored  to  accumulate  a  portion  of  the  many 
stray  bits  of  fun  that  have  appeared  in  the  Ameri- 
can newspapers  from  time  to  time. 

As  an  example  I  quote  the  following  from  an 
unknown  humorist:  "The  editor  of  a  mining 
camp  newspaper  went  to  Denver  to  hear  Emma 
Abbott  sing,  and  in  a  review  of  the  opera  said  : 
'  As  a  singer  she  can  just  wallop  the  hose  off  any- 
thing that  ever  wagged  a  jaw  on  the  boards.  From 
her  clear,  bird-like  upper-notes,  she  would  canter 
away  down  on  the  base  racket  and  then  cushion 
back  to  a  sort  of  spiritual  treble,  which  made 
every  man  in  the  audience  imagine  every  hair  on 
his  head  was  the  golden  string  of  a  celestial  harp, 


208         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

over  which  angelic  fingers  were  sweeping  in  the 
inspiring  old  tune,  Sallie  Put  the  Kettle  on.  Here 
she  wouid  rest  awhile,  trilling  like  an  enchanted 
bird,  and  hop  in  among  the  upper  notes  again 
with  a  get-up  and-git  vivacity  that  iingled  the  glass 
pendants  on  the  chandeliers,  and  elicited  a  whoop 
of  pleasure  from  every  galoot  in  the  mob.  In  the 
last  act  she  made  a  neat  play,  and  worked  in  that 
famous  kiss  of  hers  on  Castle.  He  had  her  in  his 
arms  with  her  head  lying  on  his  shoulder,  and  her 
eyes  shooting  red-hot  streaks  of  galvanized  love 
right  into  his.  All  at  once  her  lips  began  to 
twitch  coaxingly  and  get  into  position,  and 
when  he  tumbled  to  her  racket,  he  drawed  her 
up  easy  like,  shut  his  eyes,  and  then  her  ripe, 
luscious  lips  glewed  themselves  to  his  and  a 
thrill  of  pleasure  nabbed  hold  of  him,  and  shook 
him  till  the  audience  could  almost  hear  his  toe- 
nails  grind  against  his  boots.  Then  she  shut  her 
eyes  and  pushed  harder  and  dash — O,  Moley 
Hoses ! — the  smack  that  followed  started  the 
stitching  in  every  masculine  heart  in  the  house." 


A  Montana  editor  writes  as  follows  of  a  hated 
rival: — "The  blear-eyed  picture  of  melancholy 
and  imbecility  who  has  ravaged  his  exchanges  to 
fill  up  The  Insect  during  the  past  year,  and  the 
cheerful  looking  corpse  who  has  acted  lately  as 


SOME  OTHER  FUNNY  FELLOWS.       2Op 

his  man  Friday,  and  who  is  a  tenderfoot,  equally 
soft  at  both  ends,  will  doubtless  paralyze  every- 
body to-day  with  his  thunderbolts  of  choice  sar- 
casm and  polite  invective.  The  intelligibility  of 
their  phillippics,  however,  will  depend  largely  on 
whether  they  could  borrow  that  dictionary  or  not, 
their  vocabulary  being  painfully  abridged  if  left  to 
their  own  resources." 


The  editor  of  the  Solid  Muldoon,  a  weekly 
journal  published  at  Ouray,  Colorado,  thus  vaunted 
his  own  paper :  ' '  It  is  tke  most  powerful  antidote 
for  meanness  and  kindred  diseases,  ever  offered  to 
a  suffering  community.  Elder  Ripley,  who  hasn't 
told  the  truth  in  thirty-two  years,  feels  better,  and 
he  has  only  been  on  our  list  two  months.  Cap- 
tain Stanley,  who  hasn't  tasted  water  for  thirteen 
years,  can  now  look  at  a  brooklet  without  serious 
results.  Ed  Snydom,  who  has  been  troubled  with 
his  spine  ever  since  the  Ute  outbreak,  put  out  a 
large  washing  Monday.  Jim  Vance,  who  came  to 
this  country  with  an  Arkansas  record,  now  moves 
in  the  first  society.  O,  it  is  a  perfect  balsam; 
two-fifty  per  annum.  One  annum  contains  fifty- 
two  doses." 

An  editor  in  Texas  gives  the  following  figures 
from  a  statistical  memorandum  of  his  life : 


2IO         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

Been  asked  to  drink ",362  times 

Drank 11,362  times 

Requested  to  retract 416  times 

Didn't  retract 416  times 

Been  invited  to  parties  and  receptions  by  parties  fishing 

for  puffs 3-333  times 

Took  the  hint 33  times 

Didn't  take  the  hint 3,300  times 

Threatened  to  be  whipped 170  times 

Been  whipped o  times 

Whipped  the  other  fellow 4  times 

Didn't  come  to  time 166  times 

Been  promised  whiskey,  gin  etc.,  if  we  would  go  after 

them S,6iotimes 

Been  after  them 5,610  times 

Been  asked  what's  the  news 300,000  times 

Told '. 23  times 

Didn't  know 200,000  times 

Lied  about  it 99.977  times 

Been  to  church 2  times 

Changed  politics 32  times 

Expect  to  change  still 50  times 

Gave  to  charity $5.00 

Gave  for  terrier  dog. $25.00 

Cash  on  hand $1.00 

The  following  cheerful  valedictory  of  an  editor 
was  printed  in  the  Asheville,  North  Carolina, 
Journal:  "In  this  issue  of  the  paper  I  offer  my 
Chouse  and  lot  for  sale.  My  object  is  to  quit  the 
country — possibly  for  the  country's  good.  For 
the  past  nine  years  I  have  endeavored  to  make  a 
livelihood  here  at  the  newspaper  business,  and  at 
this  writing  I  am  a  good  breathing  representation 
of  the  Genius  of  Famine,  or  an  allegory  of  Ireland 


SOME  OTHER  FUNNY  FELLOWS.       211 

during  the  potato  rot.  The  day  star  of  my  pros- 
perity has  gone  down  behind  a  dark  cloud  of 
unpaid  and  uncancelled  obligations.  As  a  dernier 
resort,  I  propose  to  cast  my  lot  among  the  Mon- 
golians of  the  Pacific  coast,  and  with  this  view  my 
leisure  moments  are  devoted  to  deciphering  the 
hieroglyphics  on  a  Chinese  tea-chest,  while  I 
patiently  await  the  advent  of  a  purchaser. " 


The  following  criticism  of  the  acting  of  Mary 
Anderson  was  written  by  a  Milwaukee,  Wisconsin, 
journalist :  ' '  Mary  is  about  six  feet  in  height  when 
in  repose,  but  when  her  frame  is  charged  with 
emotion,  and  she  gets  mad,  or  excited,  she  seems 
to  rise  right  up  out  of  the  stage  and  telescope 
until  she  is  eighteen  or  nineteen  feet  high,  and 
others  look  like  dwarfs.  At  times  she  puts  on  a 
sweet,  lovely  look,  and  you  would  have  to  be  held 
by  two  persons  to  keep  you  from  mounting  the 
stage,  and  telling  her  that  you  loved  her  like  a 
steam  engine;  and  then  she  would  put  on  a  dying 
look,  and  a  wild,  scared,  desperate  expression,  so 
you  want  to  rush  out  after  a  doctor.  She  has 
lungs  like  a  blacksmith's  bellows;  when  she 
contracts  them,  she  looks  so  thin  that  her  back 
bone  can  be  traced  with  the  naked  eye ;  but  when 
she  inflates  them,  her  dress  fits  her  like  paper  on 
the  wall." 


212         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

Thomas  Snell  Weaver,  the  funny  man  of  the 
New  Haven,  Connecticut,  Register,  is  one  of  the 
coming  humorists  of  the  day.  He  is  widely 
quoted.  The  following  is  from  his  writings : 

"There  was  an  extra  air  of  refinement  about  the 
front  parlor.  The  storks  on  a  shingle  and  the 
Egyptian  figures  on  panels  had  all  been  removed 
to  the  back  parlor  to  make  room  for  the  super- 
aestheticism  of  the  aureolan  glory  of  the  sunflower 
and  the  drooping  grace  of  the  lily  embroidered  on 
bannerets  and  hung  in  fitting  corners  of  the  grand 
old  room.  In  this  room  they  sat,  and  quietly  en- 
joyed each  other's  presence,  bound  together  by 
ties  yet  undiscovered. 

' ' '  Angela  '  said  he,  '  I  think  it  is  four  years 
this  very  night  since  we  gazed  into  the  firelight 
together. '  .  \ 

"'So  long,  Mr.  Thistlewaite  ?  '  said  she  tremu- 
lously, and  in  expectant  mood. 

'"Now,  I  should  think  that  after  so  long  a 
time — it  occurs  to  me  to  say — or  rather  to  ask — 
why  wouldn't  it  be  well — to  call  me  "George" 
hereafter  ? ' 

"'Oh,  is  that  all?'  she  said.  The  harpstrings 
•  of  her  expectancy  had  just  been  struck  with  a 
chord,  but  alas  !  the  matrimonial  overture  was  not 
then  to  be  played.  The  whole  orchestra  was  out 
of  tune  for  her  for  the  next  six  weeks. 


SOME    OTHER    FUNNY    FELLOWS.  213 

Mr.  H.  T.  White,  a  member  of  the  editorial 
staff  of  the  Chicago  Tribune,  is  also  designed  to 
make  his  mark  in  the  world  as  a  humorist.  His 
style  is  peculiar,  as  the  following  selection  will  no 
doubt  show: 

"'Do  not  go,  darling' — and  as  she  spoke  the 
words — spoke  them  in  low,  tender  tones,  that 
thrilled  him  from  mail-truck  to  keelsom — Gwen- 
dolen Mahaffey  laid  her  soft,  white  cheek  on  Plu- 
tarch Riordan's  shoulder,  and  gave  him  a  look 
with  her  lustrous,  dove-like  eyes  that  would  make 
your  head  swim. 

'"I  cannot  stay,'  he  replied,  kissing  the  peachy 
red  lips  as  he  spoke,  and  feeling  wistfully  in  his 
overcoat  pocket  tor  a  plug  of  tobacco,  '  I  must  go 
now  right  away.' 

"  But  the  girl  placed  her  arms  around  his  neck — 
arms  whose  soft,  rounded  curves  and  pink-tinted 
skin  would  have  made  an  anchorite  throw  up  his 
job,  and  pleaded  with  him  to  stay  a  little  longer. 

' ' '  I  cannot, '  he  again  said,  looking  at  her  ten- 
derly. 

' ' '  Cannot  ? '  repeated  the  girl,  a  shade  of  anger 
tinging  the  tone  in  which  the  words  were  uttered. 
'And  pray,  sir,  what  is  it  that  so  imperatively 
calls  you  hence  ? ' 

' '  Bending  over  her  with  a  careless  grace  that  art- 
fully concealed  the  slight  bagginess  at  the  knees 


214         FAMOUS  FUNNY  FELLOWS. 

of  his  pants,    Plutarch  said,  in  low,  bitter  tones 
that  were  terrible  in  their  intensity  : 
"  '  I  have  broken  my  suspenders! ' " 

H.  C.  Dodge,  as  a  writer  of  humorous  and 
witty  verse,  has  few  equals  in  America.  His  style 
is  somewhat  like  that  of  the  late  lamented  Tom 
Hood.  One  of  Mr.  Dodge's  productions  is  entitled 

CONTRARY  MAN. 

Some  men  do  write  when  they  do  wrong 

And  some  do  live  who  dye; 
And  some  are  short  when  they  are  long 

And  stand  when  they  do  lie. 

A  man  is  surly  when  he's  late, 

And  round  when  he  is  square; 
He  may  die  early  and  dilate, 

And  may  be  foul  when  fair.' 

He  may  be  fast  when  he  is  slow, 

And  loose  when  he  is  tight, 
And  high  when  he  is  very  low, 

And  heavy  when  he's  light 

He  may  be  wet  when  he  is  dry, 
He  may  be  great  when  small; 
May  purchase  when  he  won't  go  by; 
.  Have  naught  when  he  has  awl. 

He  may  be  sick  when  he  is  swell, 

And  hot  when  he  is  cold; 
He's  skilled  so  he  on  earth  may  dwell, 

And  when  he's  young  he's  old. 


UNIVERSITY  or 
A. 
LOS  ANGELES 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below, 

_^_"_ 


LD 


6 

Y  "LOANS 


FEB241976 


J>UE  TWO 


OF  RECEIPj 


IN 


£  NOV 101986 
OCT291986 

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*     I ' 

Kcro  LO-IIH 

FEB251987 

Form  L9-Series  444 


1993 


«tO  D  jht  JiRC 


3  1158  01109  9628 


